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I constantly tell myself “hey, we’re still living off grid, primitive, what comes off as just everyday living to you is weird and strange to others still so chill”
I constantly have to tell myself that I HAVEN’T changed. It´s just that living here, further south, well, it DOES change things and I can’t seem find my own two feet in that mist between change and non-change.

One of the things that have changed the most after the great move has to do with the spiritual. This is something I didn’t write about in this space before and I’m not quite sure as how to integrate it with the “persona” or the “story” here- but the fact remains that I am asatru and have been a gythja (a sort of priestess) for nearly 15 years.
It is a huge part of me. But something broke, I think it was my heart, and it’s taken some time to mend it.
Six years to be specific.

There was a divorce. This is the giant clusterfuck, the abomination, the hurt. My faith was a part of this divorce- because my faith was not allowed and more so was used against me in the setting of a court case which was actually a great battle, it was slaughter, it was evil and I won but I lost.

Then there was a guy whom I met in the faith when I finally dived into it (this is the story) and then there was Jeppe.
“Come, let’s be like the pioneers” he said “let´s take back the landscape of our childhood, lets settle in the old land, not the new land, lets try and do something” and so we did, you know this; we lived in the wilderness for six years (I tell myself we still live in the wilderness)

I recount this story with my fingertips. I organize it.
I simply, simply… as Thoreau would say. “I WANT TO SUCK OUT THE MARROW OF LIFE”.

I am writing my book of the Vølva right now, it’s the most difficult book to write, it´s taken ages already. And I pick the foxglove and the st. johns wort as I have always done, I crawl into the earth on full moon and I see signs everywhere.  And I go back to my old community and I say “hey there, how ya all doing?” and all of these old friends of mine smile to me. But there is hurt, of course, and weirdness-  as well as the special fever running wild on the night after blót, yes!
I “used to be somebody” in this community, I had a role and was behind the largest forum in Scandinavia (Kindir, it´s dead now). It´s not like things have been on hold all of this time. Man, has it changed! Everything have changed! I have changed!
It´s only now I realize… as I am being confronted with the “old” me.

That´s why it’s been difficult to write here.
I tell myself I am still the same, that we still live off grid and primitive (we do), I tell myself that we are still pioneers but maybe we’re not. Maybe we were – but now we’ve come home. Different, not the same, changed.

I mean… you can´t be a pioneer forever. At some point you’ve lived like that for so long that it is no longer a transitory experience – but a lifestyle. At some point you need to connect the red threads of your past and your future. Make the ends meet. Tie it all together.
So I have changed. And I have not changed.

This entry was posted in Blog.

3 comments on “I used to be somebody

  1. nicoleaugust says:

    I think we are always changing, but we are spiralling closer and closer to the centre. Which is the end, of course, and the beginning.

    Like

  2. DM says:

    I just finished reading the link as well as this post Andrea, You have been through a lot. (not that I am not telling you anything you don’t already know/ a hundred times over). Abuse is abuse, regardless of the community we live in. There is something healing and powerful when we (I) finally have the clarity to call it like it is. I am glad you are writing these experiences out. A fellow seeker…DM

    Like

  3. Ananda says:

    Can you think you’re awake when actually you’re asleep ?

    Like

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