I constantly tell myself “hey, we’re still living off grid, primitive, what comes off as just everyday living to you is weird and strange to others still so chill”
I constantly have to tell myself that I HAVEN’T changed. It´s just that living here, further south, well, it DOES change things and I can’t seem find my own two feet in that mist between change and non-change.
One of the things that have changed the most after the great move has to do with the spiritual. This is something I didn’t write about in this space before and I’m not quite sure as how to integrate it with the “persona” or the “story” here- but the fact remains that I am asatru and have been a gythja (a sort of priestess) for nearly 15 years.
It is a huge part of me. But something broke, I think it was my heart, and it’s taken some time to mend it.
Six years to be specific.
There was a divorce. This is the giant clusterfuck, the abomination, the hurt. My faith was a part of this divorce- because my faith was not allowed and more so was used against me in the setting of a court case which was actually a great battle, it was slaughter, it was evil and I won but I lost.
Then there was a guy whom I met in the faith when I finally dived into it (this is the story) and then there was Jeppe.
“Come, let’s be like the pioneers” he said “let´s take back the landscape of our childhood, lets settle in the old land, not the new land, lets try and do something” and so we did, you know this; we lived in the wilderness for six years (I tell myself we still live in the wilderness)
I recount this story with my fingertips. I organize it.
I simply, simply… as Thoreau would say. “I WANT TO SUCK OUT THE MARROW OF LIFE”.
I am writing my book of the Vølva right now, it’s the most difficult book to write, it´s taken ages already. And I pick the foxglove and the st. johns wort as I have always done, I crawl into the earth on full moon and I see signs everywhere. And I go back to my old community and I say “hey there, how ya all doing?” and all of these old friends of mine smile to me. But there is hurt, of course, and weirdness- as well as the special fever running wild on the night after blót, yes!
I “used to be somebody” in this community, I had a role and was behind the largest forum in Scandinavia (Kindir, it´s dead now). It´s not like things have been on hold all of this time. Man, has it changed! Everything have changed! I have changed!
It´s only now I realize… as I am being confronted with the “old” me.
That´s why it’s been difficult to write here.
I tell myself I am still the same, that we still live off grid and primitive (we do), I tell myself that we are still pioneers but maybe we’re not. Maybe we were – but now we’ve come home. Different, not the same, changed.
I mean… you can´t be a pioneer forever. At some point you’ve lived like that for so long that it is no longer a transitory experience – but a lifestyle. At some point you need to connect the red threads of your past and your future. Make the ends meet. Tie it all together.
So I have changed. And I have not changed.