The honest truth is that I don’t understand it and more so took it as a slap in the face – spiritually. This what not supposed to happen. Everything was laid out perfectly; the land was a treasure, I took it, I considered it mine. I DESERVED it.
I see now what I did wrong.
Kind of like that pioneer way´s original sin, isn’t it?
This has been a humbling experience and it bothered me because I truly, honestly, wholeheartedly believe that I have been humbled enough. It´s enough now. I can’t take anymore.
I gave gifts to the land, I spoke to it, I did everything I have learned how to do during these last 10 years as a seidr-worker (nordic shamanism)
I took omens. I sacrificed.
– but you can’t make land yours if it is not-
We went to the frontier not having any choices, we didn’t have choices, we didn´t. We CREATED the choices we have now. And so we decided that it was our choice now to relocate to an area that would feel more natural to us- not out of lack of love for the Vármland forest, no, no, no, no. The forest has given us so much, it´s been good to us. So no. It was because if we could CHOOSE we would choose a frontier a little closer to home.
Elderberry trees and oak trees, blackthorn, rose hips and rolling hills. It´s in the marrow/memory of my bone, it’s where I belong.
But I did it wrong. I must have done it wrong.
“Go back to your own country” is a sentence shaping my culture right now, it´s been shouting at people fleeing war, refugee camps are being burned down to the ground – but everybody´s forgetting that we too, our ancestors, travelled to a new land (America) even if it didn’t belong to them, even if somebody else lived there, they took it.
We wanted to be a new kind of pioneers.
We wanted to travel to our OWN land, we wanted take our OWN land (back)- not be white colonizers, not be missionaries.
But then we were, weren’t we?
You asked me “how does one do it?” and I said yadi yadi and then something about my own personal feelings.
How does one rewild? How does one leave, how does one settle? What is the pioneer life like?
It´s hard, lonely and filled with fear, it is not something you do BAM and then succes, eternal bliss, done.
It is beauty. It is meaning. It is whole.
… but truth be told: I don’t know.
The only thing I know is, that there is something about the land, something I don’t understand, something I need to understand. A lost knowledge. A cut thread.
It begins with the land.
It has to do with the land.