Fairyteller

I´ve never tried anything like this before. I can’t believe it.
I`VE BEEN GIVEN A PLACE TO BE QUIET!!

Couple of month ago one of the revolutionaries asked me about going into the wild as an exit strategy. With all what the world has come to, the culture, the craziness. Evil, evil empire.

Does it help? Is it it possible?
(Yes. No)
Made me think about these last five years, what it has done to us, how we have changed. Walked around myself for a couple of days, trying to be intellectual in my answer, trying to be progressive but this place… man, this place… it made me realize the goodness of fairytales.

This is how it is:

We went into the wild, we did, we did.

Threw out all of our belongings, quit the job, took the children out of school. We wanted to be tribe. We wanted to peel off every illusion until we could see and touch TRUTH.

We wanted to be good, strong, free human beings (with a right to live a life that makes sense) instead of the wrecks we had become.
We wanted to find out what it BASICALLY means to be a human being (fire, water, food, shelter)

So we ran. And we settled. We built a tarpaulin tepee and began taking down trees to build our own log cabin. The children quickly changed. Taking on responsibility. Every night we would sit around the fire and talk. I didn’t know them. Such a heartbreak to realize. Such hard work to heal.

Then came this. Then came that. The war I’ve been mentioning is real.
Every young man or woman can run into the wild, I don’t see the problem, but being a family (especially from a scandinavian culture) makes everything much more complicated – because of the children.

And so the deep dark woods paralysed me. In shock. In despair. In need.
We lived on a stone for ages. Centuries went by.

The dark creatures of the wood crawled into my mind.
That’s when I became “rewilded”
Becoming rewilded means having your human shield destroyed.

I couldn´t find happiness anywhere. I turned all of the stones. I climbed all of the mountains until finally I just sat down on that rock, I gave up, I sat still. Completely still.
Seasons changed around me, I became one with my surroundings…

… that´s why the dragon didn’t see me when it came through the forest. I followed it. I found it´s cave in the mountain.
Red eyes. Heavy breath.
I killed the dragon.
I slayed the dragon.
I found the treasure it had been guarding.
I ate the heart and then I could suddenly hear all of the birds sing.

Then I was guided to this place, a milder place, I was given a house and a barn and hazelnuts. Hills of rowan, piles of blackberry, endless heaps of chanterelle.
I was given peace (I fought for it)
I was given quiet (I called out for it)
I was given riches (I took it, I created it, I made it happen, me, myself)
Life is so weird…

I don´t need to become a product, I don´t need to become a brand. There is peace here. Deep, deep peace. I can do whatever I want.
For a while I didn’t even want to be an author anymore, it would suit me fine, I think, to just be the hunter and the gather that I have become.
Every day I emerge myself into the trees. Every day I bathe in the forest.
Too complicated to deal with the culture (my advice to the revolutionary then was: go under the radar, don’t try and influence mainstream (it will kill you), don´t do it for the money, don’t do it for the ideology )
Running into the wild is not an exit strategy – it is a rite de passage, it is an initiation.
(took me FIVE YEARS, paralysed, in shock, sitting on a stone- can’t be done on a weekend hike).
So do I think you should do it?
Yes.
If you’re ready. If you want to.
I think it makes you stronger. I think it makes you prouder and I think it will make you a better warrior.

I wouldn’t have found happiness if I hadn’t gone into the dark forest… where the wild things are. Wouldn’t have found peace if I hadn´t slayed the dragon.
I am eternally grateful and forever a defender of the forest. It made me who I am… and finally, who I am… is ok.

In old norse mythology gold is metaphor for “spirit”.
You see?
The treasure I found, the gold I am wearing… in the depths of the dark I found my light.

I´ve never tried anything like this before. I can’t believe it.
I don’t know what to do with myself quite yet, maybe I´ll just be a fat farmwife, maybe I´ll shut the fuck up forever but I don’t think so.
This place radiates fairytales. This place is alive, it whispers to me, the land and me are aligned. Finally! It happened!

Allow me to be a bit too much:

and my sword is mighty! and my sword is made of gold! and I will never give up!
(better to die fighting)

22 thoughts on “Fairyteller

  1. Thank you! (for writing) again. This jumped out @ me: “don’t try and influence mainstream (it will kill you), ” Made me smile when you said you might “just turn into a fat farm wife.” Some of what you describe sounds very much like the process of unlearning we experienced when we left the mainstream and jumped into homeschooling our little brood for 9 years. it was a slow unpuckering/ unlearning until finally, about 5 years in,I felt like a prisoner set free.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I´m happy to hear that DM. Because I definitivly feel like this is a (long) proces and that unlearning is so… all encompasing, such a deep proces. After we got here (a more southern part of sweden) I´ve gained so much weight, I´m quite content being a fat farm wife 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Good to read your thoughts again:} I think I’ll take your advice about not trying to influence society because it will kill you, that just how I feel right now. Nobody frickin’ cares, nobody wants to grow or hear different perspectives anyway, so fuck it. Might as well be happy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, Tricia. I´m a bit unweary about the whole thing. I think that when you go off the grid or out living on the land a lot of people begin to blog about it (I did myself) and sucees in blogging soon leads to some thoughts about ways to capitalize on this. Think about it, it´s the perfect crime: to get away but to earn money while doing it so that you don´t need to, oh the horror, get a job. But this writing about your life… it´s tempting but it´s dangerous, it´s real dangerous. I´m a writer, I´ve written books before, several books, I even have experience with the mainstream, interviews and such, I know what to say, how to behave, how to be interviewed, how to dust my face with powder…. I used to think it was the logic thing to do. To try and be real in the mainstream, to try and fight for these stories… stories of people doing something ELSE but it´s just, I fear that it´s just… entertainment.
      Existential entertainment.
      And maybe you can´t play the game without becoming a player? I´m conflicted about it. I know that some of my fello writers (like ben hewitt) are struggeling with these same issues and it means a lot to me to know that we´re actually TRYING to figure something out…. (it´s just very, very hard and not un-dangerous). It is NOT the easy solution, that´s for sure…

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Fight if it’s your dharma. (Better is death in your own dharma than that of another’s.) Don’t fight if it is your dharma. There are all levels of fighting. There is fighting on the front lines and there is fighting in the war room, planning, strategizing, supplying. It’s all legitimate. It’s all part of the fight. Only the people whose dharma it is to die should die. And they will.

    I am so thrilled to hear of your peace. I can feel the strong joy coming through every word. (did you take your meds today? Haha). What will you write tomorrow Andrea? Who cares. I love what you wrote today for many reasons. The topmost one is that it follows and speaks my path to a large degree. I, too, dropped out but not in such an extreme way. Yet the challenges are the same and I’m still looking for peace. So, if you have found peace, it gives me hope. For if you, being such a warrior on the front lines, can live to tell the (fairy)tale than I, too, might also.

    Love and peace (continuing)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Reneee, I keep thinkin about your comment from the other day. It really got to me (in a good way) and I just wanted to say thank you again. It´s so crazy with this… feeling of not being alone, feeling of being understood. Thank you!

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      1. It took me years to accept my dharma. I realized that a lot of my confusion came from listening to the people in my head and not to my own voice. The people in my head had a lot of “should” statements. You should be doing this. You should be feeling that. They weren’t me. They were everybody else. Parents. Society. You name it. OK so I finally accepted my true dharma. The fight is not over. It just has become a true fight. Now I know what side I am on. That makes it easier to fight if that’s possible. It is. I can die and then I know I was in my purpose and I will have no regrets. This is a blessed and fortunate situation. Peace and love to you.

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  4. I am sorry if I am too dark. I feel the viking heart. Please, dear gods, let me have my hammer as I die, fighting for what’s right, I mean building that which is right. That’s what a hammer is for, to build. I sometimes get very confused.

    I love your writing.
    I love your thoughts.
    5000 miles
    of space/time continuum.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So you have resurfaced again. Welcome back.
    Good to see you seem to have found a better place. I hope it’ll bring you what you need.

    Writing about your life indeed is dangerous. It exposes you. Makes you vulnerable. But it can also draw in allies. Question is how to reach them and get them to respond. To form a union. That is the strength of the Empire. We are scattered, isolated and easily singled out.
    In my mind you can not beat the mainstream media. You can’t even manipulate it without getting tainted. The only thing you can do is to not participate. Trying to get a pay out of it inherently means you get seriously compromised sooner or later. You and what you do become a product.
    Unless you go independent. Market yourself and what you do. No strings attached to anyone or anything.

    Get a steel sword. Gold looks fancy, but is far too soft.

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    1. @”Question is how to reach them and get them to respond.”
      Answer is: “It so happens”
      Ron, you have allies that you wouldn’t believe if you saw them. That question is not a question. It never was, and never should be your problem. It is taken care of. And, I don’t even know you.

      And, don’t play with swords. Not even figuratively speaking. Kthx.

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  6. You sometimes mention that it’s difficult to do what you’ve done in your part of the world. This time you said “Every young man or woman can run into the wild, I don’t see the problem, but being a family (especially from a scandinavian culture) makes everything much more complicated – because of the children.”
    My question is what makes it more complicated due to the Scandinavian culture? Why more than another country, another culture?
    In the US we think of the scandinavian people as healthy, happy, very family oriented, beautiful, close to nature, organic, well educated. Or at least that’s what I think we think!
    I keep trying to wrap my head around the reality that you touch upon.

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  7. Melissa, I´m glad you ask me (and also to others who might see this; I´m going to change this blog really soon, just needed a couple of months to try and understand some things)

    As a person from Scandinavia it can be difficult to transmit the actual experience of living here, coming from here- because the image of Scandinavia is so… clear. And it´s not wrong, that image, it´s just not the whole story. We have the wellfare state system which grants us a lot of security that other people in other countries don´t have (we have free education, free healthcare and so on). I feel very privileged to have grown up in Scandinavia – I know that my forefathers have fought very hard for this model and these privileges – and so I feel obliged not to waste these privileges but on the contrary really USE them to create something good.

    The Scandinavian culture is extremely tight knitted. We live in a climate were clan and family have been the highest moral obligation and virtue, right down to the viking age this focus, what you call “family- oriented” have colored and shaped our culture. We are tribal.
    It´s not something we often talk about it the open, it´s such an underlying premise for our whole existence that it´s not even articulated. It relates to the landscape too; due to the climate we have, for centuries, spendt 6 months of the year indoor, confined to our houses, confined to our families. Children have always been very highly regarded and cared for. Elders too.

    When we organized in large state and nations this underlying “folk- soul” as we call it- didn´t dissapear; but was merely expanded I believe. Now it was not “the clan is one” but “the nation is one” meaning; we are very, very homogenous nations. We look the same. Our homes look the same. We have the same color. Faith. Backgrounds. Norms and values. We havn´t had a lot of immigration. WE were the emmigrants (60% of the population in Sweden went to settle in America.)

    One of the values that are the strongest here is; children.
    We have very explicit norms about how to raise children- and EVERBODY does the same thing. EVERYBODY leaves them in kindergarden at an early age (to be “raised within the clan”- clearly that´s not the way we talk about it but it is what happens), all children are supposed to be offered certain things (like sports, the whole healthy/organic mindset is very strong)- the state even gives the parent money, each month, so make sure that they provide these things for their children. It´s called “the childmoney” and it´s a 1000 kroner per child per month.
    It´s all splendid. I agree with the mindset. I think children are key, our future, I think they should be raised to be family oriented and healthy ect… but homeschooling for instance is ILLEGAL in Sweden due these very strict specification about what we believe to be a good childhood. And if you DON`T want to leave your kid in an institution (at a very early age) you are told that you are too attached to the child and/or that the child NEEDS other children, like the need food and sleep.
    So, for someone like us to have done what we have done…. defending ourselves, explaining ourselves, has been an extremely big part of our lives not at least when it comes to how we have chosen to raise our kids.

    Kids are used as a social regulator, a sort of social control, even to the point where I have heard many families tell me that they really wanted to do what we have done… but they were afraid that child services would take the children away from them if they did.
    I wrote about this when I studies psychology. It´s called the “the cult of the child” and its something very specific Scandinavian. And it´s not bad you know, this is not to slander my culture, this is just to elaborate upon why and how off gridding, homeschooling, rewilding is DIFFERENT to do here than for instance in america- where you have a other – individualistic- mindset 🙂

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    1. Same here in The Netherlands, homeschooling is illegal, Tiny houses or yurts etc in the wild are illegal,not that there is much wild here..
      Everything here is truly overregulated, and if you don,t fit the mold,you,re screwed..

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  8. You have been told tales. That is sad, as you’ve been told wrong ones. Tales are powerful. The society you left has many things backwards as reflected in its tales, and the tales of that society may not be helpful outside it.

    You can’t kill the dragon. Even Thor could not lift it. The dragon is time itself. It does not take, or keep treasures, it gives. When time is up. A small one, yours; five years. That would be a nice little one small enough for a human to observe. Fortunately you did not take its heart and you did not eat it – I know an euphemism when I see it. What you ate was what it gave. To you. Which is good, as there’s no fun in cooking if there’s no eating. Dragon is pleased and well.

    But then you ask many questions. And, I think the most important one is: Is it safe? No, but it will probably be so anyway. Maybe it is necessary, and maybe it’s not just for your own sake. Certainly it will not be forever – you can stop any time. But then, you are not just yourself/ves, you are also images that others may seek inspiration from. Maybe even catalysts for change, if that sounds nice to you. And, you can put something out there, but you can not dictate the proper consumption. If a person seeks entertainment, s/he will find it, even here. No problem. What is essential is someting else: That what you put out there is what you want and need to put out there, ie: that you keep your integrity. That is a word from pre-civilization tales, by now you will know what it means – not just the meaning of the word. Dragon told me, I’m not psychic. And as you’ve adopted the blog format posts don’t really have to be that deep or conform to any specific requirement – you may even stop posting when you don’t feel like it. Making this thing yours implies writing regardless of readership, comments, etc. Readers can manifest themselves long distance as pressure. Don’t bow to it.

    Please, if you can, keep this comment offline or delete when read. It’s for you.

    Jeg kom tilfældigt og fandt det som var til mig. Jeg gav igen med min bedste mønt og efter bedste evne. Nu går jeg igen. Far vel.

    Like

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