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I killed the deer

And she was my totem animal.

And now everything has changed.

*

Back in those days I lived by the grand forests west of Copenhagen, some of the last woods standing in the country they farmed to death.

I remember the thoussand-year-old- oak. Folklore had it healing folks, it´s just that there wern´t really any folks around anymore, they´d all gone to the city. You´d imagine a thoussand-year-old-oak to be royal of sorts but this one was hidden among the younger trees, almost invisible. The ruffled leaves. The deep imprints in the bark. The twisted branches.

I used to be a different person back then. Wearing heals, trying to get somewhere.

During the nights I would walk into those woods, timid, afraid, all alone with my solitude and my death, with my fears, I would take it there.
The children would be sound asleep and I would tread lightly in the woods.

Sometimes I would run. Just run.

Sometimes I would sit still below the treetops in the dark, there used to be a certain beech, and I would simply breathe.

My secret self remember the trees in those woods very well, me, myself, I only remember in glimpses.

There was a lot of deer in that forest.
I would often experience their damp bodies between the treetrunks, their quiet breath, brown eyes, they scare easily, they run fast, can´t be captured, gone.
They´d stand still and stare at me until my soul would melt together with the animal soul, it happened.

I have identified with deer for the longest time.
I have felt a certain kind of bond.

I have been prey on purpose.

And now the wild hunt is over.

*

Out on the main road, driving fast in the fog.
A certain kind of bond to fog too.
I feel at home in it.

Driving around in unknown territory. Closer to the motherland. Oaks. Beeches. Elders. Ashs.
We´re aiming for an undisclosed location.

A new friend is sitting by my side and as I pierce through the fog I tell her the things I don´t talk about.
“It kind of sounds like you have ptsd” she says.
I know I do, it´s not a secret it´s only un-said.
“Yes”

Deer jumps out of the dark.Fixated in the headlamps I see her damp body, my eyes meet her brown eyes.
“Goodbye” she says.

I can´t believe she did that.

She did that.

She said “it´s allright now let it go”

*

We´re going somewhere with no internet connection.

*

It´s time.

 

 

9 comments on “I killed the deer

  1. wazmn says:

    ! respect !
    Not that this was what you wanted, but that you embraced it.
    A very strong story – thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. marylene says:

    OMG, what you are going trough! This is beyond words! She sacrificed herself for you, but you knew that already, I’m sure. No doubt it is a great honour. By reading what happened to you, a lot of tears came to my eyes but in a strange way things changed for me too. You are going to be fine, it will take a while. Bless you!

    Like

  3. CrimsonKirk says:

    I will miss hearing from you! But I understand❤️.

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Like

  4. b says:

    Going deeper, deeper to a place with no wifi reception–

    see you on the other side

    Like

  5. Tricia says:

    Whoa! Great read!

    Like

  6. Lori says:

    Good luck to you on your journey. I will miss reading about your life.

    Like

  7. Charlotte says:

    Never met you but followed you for a while. Sometimes I didn’t understand what you wrote and said, sometimes I did indeed, liked the both. Followed you because it felt right, in my stomach and anywhere. Felt inspired, uplifted and not so lonely when your voice came through. It gave me hope and some strength, to experience your courage, your honesty, your struggle and fight for the right.

    Thank you for sharing, take care of the important, be loved ❤

    Like

  8. Ananda says:

    Welcome home !

    Like

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