And she was my totem animal.
And now everything has changed.
Back in those days I lived by the grand forests west of Copenhagen, some of the last woods standing in the country they farmed to death.
I remember the thoussand-year-old- oak. Folklore had it healing folks, it´s just that there wern´t really any folks around anymore, they´d all gone to the city. You´d imagine a thoussand-year-old-oak to be royal of sorts but this one was hidden among the younger trees, almost invisible. The ruffled leaves. The deep imprints in the bark. The twisted branches.
I used to be a different person back then. Wearing heals, trying to get somewhere.
During the nights I would walk into those woods, timid, afraid, all alone with my solitude and my death, with my fears, I would take it there.
The children would be sound asleep and I would tread lightly in the woods.
Sometimes I would run. Just run.
Sometimes I would sit still below the treetops in the dark, there used to be a certain beech, and I would simply breathe.
My secret self remember the trees in those woods very well, me, myself, I only remember in glimpses.
There was a lot of deer in that forest.
I would often experience their damp bodies between the treetrunks, their quiet breath, brown eyes, they scare easily, they run fast, can´t be captured, gone.
They´d stand still and stare at me until my soul would melt together with the animal soul, it happened.
I have identified with deer for the longest time.
I have felt a certain kind of bond.
I have been prey on purpose.
And now the wild hunt is over.
Out on the main road, driving fast in the fog.
A certain kind of bond to fog too.
I feel at home in it.
Driving around in unknown territory. Closer to the motherland. Oaks. Beeches. Elders. Ashs.
We´re aiming for an undisclosed location.
A new friend is sitting by my side and as I pierce through the fog I tell her the things I don´t talk about.
“It kind of sounds like you have ptsd” she says.
I know I do, it´s not a secret it´s only un-said.
Deer jumps out of the dark.Fixated in the headlamps I see her damp body, my eyes meet her brown eyes.
“Goodbye” she says.
I can´t believe she did that.
She did that.
She said “it´s allright now let it go”
We´re going somewhere with no internet connection.