I feel like writing you. I read your notice of resignation as columnist, blogger ect- and although I have written you before I still feel like I should somehow apologize for doing so.
I think it´s because you have given so much of your life to others, your story, opened your home to people, because you have this email, it makes you so accessible somehow… You have become a screen of projection for so many different interpretations and emotions and you have been put in a stall, charged, blamed.
My first thought after reading your book was joy over the many conflicting emotions it seemed to contain; that nature was neither idealized nor placed in imperialistic notions of dominance and pissing territories. It was an experience of either/or, yes/no.
My next thought was that I wished I had met you in real life somewhere and not through a book… all of the people I have felt related to have been people who´s words I have read in books. Maybe it´s the words themselves?
Self consiousness can be a curse and because I have allready stated that you have been made into a screen of projection the thought of how this will be read.. is there. But really I just want to express a respect for what you do. You take a step back when you feel you loose yourself.
Capitalism´s insane ability to turn everything real into products, to self-promotion; the hippie movement, punk, paleo diet, eco communities. Bought and sold.
How do we escape that?
Maybe by doing what you do. To all of the time discover and express when it grabs a hold on you, the culture, and choose, choose, choose to free yourself. Again and again
I didn´t quit this life. I didn´t give up. I wont be silenced, of course not (and I won that war, of course, of course). I just don´t want a career. I don´t want to ask for permission, approval, I don´t want to sell, I don´t want to compete and I don´t want to obsess about the money.
But I AM a storyteller.
I DO want to weave these threads and tales.
This is a problem all of us alternative lifestyle communicators face (Ben Hewitt, Mark Boyle, Paul Kingsnorth just to mention a few that have recently faced this problem).
It is a problem that has not been solved. Or maybe it has. Maybe this is how we solve it.
I notice similarities in our coping, that´s for sure.
But it goes deeper than that. One level deeper.
The cultural notions about this “autenthical” simple living lifestyle means that you HAVE to 1) hate technology, 2) should NOT be good at working the mainstream.
They´ll hate you if you are a public person (= the anti thesis of “authenticity”) (interesting, isn´t it) but they´ll also hate you if you don´t engage (fucking unsolidaric, ego trippin´freeloaders).
It´s a loose/loose.
Better to not think about it. Better to not care.
Then I become cold. I don´t want to be cold.
I read your comments.
Andy Jukes comment made me cry.
Keep the path clear. Keep it real.
Kind of like you reminding me of who I am when I´ve forgot.
Kind of like restoring my faith in humanity.
This is what happened:
Jeppe said “I see you are tired. Let me be the one who hunts for money for a while”
It never made sense that he should be one travelling into the labor market. I make good money when I do the speeches. He would have to work for a lot longer to gain the same kind of money. So I was the one who got on my high horse and travelled into the labor market, hidden under my veil, up on the soapbox.
Because we do need the money.
Which sucks. Which is defeat. Which is not ideal.
But in order to have an audience I had to be on social media (remember that time when I quit social media? I didn´t get ONE booking. Not a single one). In order to “be a name” I had to fight to get the attractive freelancejobs (“but if you could maybe write less about your social critism and more about every day life”)
To grow my following, to get into the mainstream; be aware of the power structures, know about social capital (you can insert all kinds of curses and swearwords here)
Every second week I get emails from production companies that want to come and film us. I´ve been saying no to this for many years now- while STILL being called “unauthentical” because my voice was…. there.
Then maybe I know someone else they can ask?
This is so popular. This is gold.
WE HAVE BECOME ENTERTAINMENT.
I see it everywhere. In commercials, tv programes about bare feeted hippies spending time with their kids as if it is the most revolutionary thing you can do (well, it is)
I don´t want to spend my life trying to make a name for myself, not out on the labor market, hell no, I´d like to have a name HERE.
That´s what I meant.
Jeppe will be the one hunting for money now while I go hunting for something else.
My lost soul for instance.
This blog will, shall and must be defended as a free space.
My life has.