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and I hope you do, will.

The winters are not a break, they are not hibernation, they are not “living in the now”, they are not gathering strength, they are not resting, they are not heavy breathing, stand still… no!
Winter is demon. Winter is war.
Our bodies might be recovering from the frenzy of working summers but the mind is at the oilfield, doing the heavy lifting and all of the welding. Winter is motherfucking hard and you don´t stand a chance. Out here.

We´re still good supply-wise
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And sometimes the full moon walk among the trees and it´s holy. All of it.

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The view is still spectacular

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But this is my life and I call it “Save me”

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I wrote about what has happened this year, it took me a couple of days, I realize now that I wont post it and this is the reason: I have an enemy. This enemy have been following me for years, hurt in his own way, just waiting for the right moment to strike back. The right moment was this winter, the attack was brutal and hit target. Bulls eyes. What I fear the most. My enemy did something so unbelievable that I can´t write about it  1) because you wouldn´t believe me and 2) because of shame 3) because of my children.
Shame grows inside. Shame kills. Attacking me and at the same time hindering me from ever speaking about it… this is how plants wither.

The reason why I deleted my story is that I realized how much it holds me down.
(but seriously, if you ever want to run into the wild, count your enemies, don´t be naiive)
(but it´s not only this story, there are more stories, we have been under seige on all flanks)

SHAKE IT OFF. LIT A FIRE. BURN THE HATE.

This is what my life has been like. This is the silence.
How to come back from this war? I´m covered in blood and ashamed.

Winter is demon. Winters are war.
Some winters are worse than others.

The mind is at work while the body rest- soon it will be time for the mind to rest and the body to work. I long for spring and for summer, a raw desire, animal need.

I don´t think life has to be a war and I don´t think we have to be warriors, it´s just that some of us come tainted, some of us carry a burden of sorrow- I can´t pretend this is not the case. I cant be that dream of downzising, decluttering, back to nature, simple living, I can´t be picture perfect, wildernessdweller, I can´t be happy go lucky and I can´t be particulary positive.
That´s why this is my letter of resignation.

I hereby resign as a columnist, reviewer, speeechgiver, author, blogger and “me”.
There will be changes. No media, no digital storytelling, no speeches, not anymore.
I might blog a little. I might work on a book. I don´t know. I know I need to feel free, not trapped, closed in and confined. This is a dead end and it can only result in me surrendering to the status qou. Rub my ego, throw me peanuts.

There are many reasons behind this move, many, many, but truth is that I wont spendt my life trying to get a “career”, I wont do it “for the money”,  wont be entertainment,  wont be stuck in a story.

SHAKE IT OFF. LIT A FIRE. BURN THE NEED.

I know where to go when I am hurt, I know how to tend to my wounds.
I learned this in the forest, I learned it the first year actually but I simply forgot, whirlwindbusy.

We´re going back to nature.

Next level.
Community.
People come in flocks, we are pack animals, I forgot that too.
Maybe it´s how one should deal with winter. Move closer now.

It´s been five years now. Time to change.

I guess that´s why you need the winters.
I guess that´s why you need the dark. Maybe I need these wars (but I don´t) because I´m stubborn and strange, maybe it´s the only way to create holes in my armor, but allright then, I have been hurt.
I have been hurt.

SHAKE IT OFF. LIT A FIRE. BURN THE WOUND.

Ready your boots.

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Choose a weapon

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We´re going hunting.

19 comments on “Notice of resignation

  1. Bo says:

    Good luck! and may be even: Good luck at the next level. I often wondered how you could manage to be soo extrovert in your worklife (or the things you needed to do to aquire the needed funds = work) and yet live such an introvert life.
    Thanks for inspiration and once again. good luck!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Melissa R says:

    This is an interesting post! I’ve never been able to find the story of the thing that caused you to go to the woods and now it seems that thing has returned. I’m sorry it is still in your life. I know you will land on your feet, you have such strength. And, I’m not sure you can stop working to make the world better, it seems to be a part of you that can’t be silenced.
    Sending positive vibes.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Abigail Higgins says:

    dear andrea
    is your enemy actual or archetypal?

    none of us gets through life without a struggle with something huge and personalized to our own turmoil or situation–karmic if you will.
    it seems everything is built on what went before, our own life’s Rubik’s Cube puzzle, or gordian knot.
    we who are given the gift of the three ages, child, adult, elder, are lucky in a sense. there is the chance to heal the mess and injury of the previous stages through expérience and acquired wisdom. attempting to restore harmoniousness becomes the main life’s work in every sphère.

    “And sometimes the full moon walk among the trees and it´s holy. All of it.” These are the moments you hold and embrace–no path is perfectly smooth.

    dammit–i want to hear the rest of the story!

    all best wishes,
    ~ abigail

    Liked by 2 people

    1. No, it´s a real enough enemy, someone from my past 🙂

      Like

  4. John Newell says:

    I wish all the best for you and yours, and thank you for what you have contributed to my life.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Pernille says:

    Dear Andrea
    No excuses are needed. Digital or not. At war or tending wounds. I will be there listening when you want to tell any story you feel is so important that you have to share it, and that is not at all looked on as “me-wanting-a-carreer-oh-watch me” that is just YOU. I have grown meters following this blog, it has been eye-opening-anti-consumering fun and seved with home-made horrors. I wish you and your family all the best for the following times. Spring is near.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. x says:

    alt godt fremover. vil savne din blog. det giver håb at vide, at der findes alternative måder at leve liv. alternative valg.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Angie says:

    Dear Andrea, I wish you healing. I, too, will be here listening, and I will miss your words. Your writing has touched my heart, and changed my life. It has never seemed to me like entertainment or just for a career.

    A little wish of light for you (I live in Florida, where there is a lot of light always – often it seems like too much, so I am glad to share):

    “Where have all the snow drops gone?” asked the Sun.

    “Dead,” said the Frost, “and buried, every one.”

    “A foolish answer,” the Sun replied, “they are asleep, they did not die.

    And I shall wake them, I, the Sun.

    Into the light,
    Clad in white,
    They shall come
    One by one.”

    Liked by 2 people

  8. BeeHappee says:

    A creative letter of resignation if I had seen one. 🙂
    Positive thinking can be as much imprisoning as negative thinking. Stories have their own place in the world, they are like the soup ingredients thrown in the pot, the soup changes, but the pot stays the same, to hold any soup just the same. That story soup serves its purposes, can be serve for learning, for nourishing, for sharing, for making money, for making friends, for leaving us hungry for more, for pointing to the leaks in the pot. The pot can exist without the soup, but not the other way around.
    Wishing you all peace and wellness in this beautiful world. ❤
    And thank you for generously sharing some of that soup. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  9. nicoleaugust says:

    Wishing you well on your journey ! Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hanne says:

    Kære Andrea. Jeg håber du får trukket vejret nu. Jeg vil savne at du kommer ud med dine tanker til os. KH Hanne

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Andy Jukes says:

    Good luck and thank you.

    Swear allegiance to what is nighest your thoughts.
    As soon as the generals and the politicos can predict the motions
    of your mind, lose it.
    Leave it as a sign to mark a false trail, the way you didn’t go.
    Be like the fox who makes more tracks than necessary,
    some in the wrong direction.
    Practice resurrection.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Lina says:

    Love and perseverance. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Dear Andrea,

    Though I’m a wee bit sad that this is to all intents and purposes the end of this blog, I can understand why you feel the need to stop.
    I’ve never been a great one for commenting on blogs ( As someone who learned to touch type on a manual keyboard back in the 80s, I find touch screen keypads a wee bit labourious!).
    However I just wanted you to know that I’ve always found your writings and thoughts to be: deeply thought provoking, soul inspiring, and energising.
    As we say in the Gaelic of the Scttish Highlands,

    “Thig crìoch air an t-saoghal ach mairidh gaol is ceòl”…..The world may come to an end, but love and music will last for ever.

    Seems appropriate, since your blog has woven something of a literary melody, that has allowed me to dance a little lighter along my lifes path.

    May your Gods go with you.

    Love and Adventure.

    Ossian 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Tricia says:

    Jesus, I don’t know what happened but like my old boss says: You gotta do what you gotta do. If I could I’d send you a huge batch of chocolate chip pot brownies….Nature’s medicine:} Take it easy…..

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Stine says:

    Dear Andrea, I just want to thank you. Your writings on this blog are such an inspiration and comfort to me. It’s like having an older sister actually finding a way in the mist and sharing it in words and sentences so beautiful, complex and raw that I have seen life itself through them. You are very gifted with words and you are very loved – no matter what. I hope and believe that you will find all that you need. Peace be with you and your family.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Ananda says:

    I get sad every time you quit

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Nanna Mercer says:

    I have loved many of your photographs – the one of water looking like liquid amber took my breath away with its beauty, so, Andrea, thank you for that one and for the others, too.

    The photos are, I think, an expression of the self that doesn’t make it into print, and perhaps an expression of your awareness that probably takes you by surprise with its beauty. Lean into that!

    Like

  18. Anne Sofie Coles says:

    Hej Andrea,
    Jeg vil simpelthen så gerne høre et af dine foredrag og det er lige gået op for mig, at jeg har misset Krogerup her i maj.Er der andre steder man kan høre dig?
    kh og tak for den store inspiration du er. Anne Sofie

    Like

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