I´m in birth.
I cannot control this proces. The more I fight it – the more it hurts.
I am a mother. I have given birth many times. I know how to give birth yet I also know I can die from it.
This is no game.
This is bloody serious.
My body. Push. Push. These nerveendings. These cramps. All of the water. Mesmerized, watching, what is this? I don´t think this is my doing. I am a vessel merely. A transmission.
Alienated. Sweating. Swearing.
There is no going back. There is no stopping it. There is no will. Only the greater will.
What is happening to me? No time to think. Push. Push.
I worry for the child. I don´t know the child. I am angry because of the pain, my BONES are falling apart, my whole body wringed, twisted and scewed, I am mountains, I am open wound, I am a force of nature.
I worry for the child. I hope the child will be ok.
Desperation. When will this stop? Will this ever stop? I cannot go on anymore! I scream! COME ON I scream, I want someone to save me, eyes wide open. “I cannot do this!”
I think of mothers before me. All of the labour. I think “maybe they knew more”, I think “maybe they were better equiped” I think “I am nobody” I think “I cannot” . There is surrender, there is collapse, there is no escape, there is no stopping it. I see 3 giant women in the horizon, this is in the other-world, the veil for my eyes, the milky membrane. The wade through mud and oceans, over burial mounds, the wade towards me to tear me apart, to rip me right open, to eat my marrow, I wellcome them, when it is done it will be done, I close my eyes, I might die, it´s ok if I die, I scream, I push, I push.
I´m in birth.
Took me too long to realize.
How can one not realize.
I don´t get it.
I´ve been pregnant for four years, hence the burden, the tired body, the swollen limps. I have been nurturing something underneath my heart. Hence the hunger.
I don´t know if I will survive this pain.
Mud. Blood. Muscles.Slime. Water. Body. Body. Body. Body.
The more I fight it the more it hurts.
When all of this is over the child will be placed now above my heart. I will look into infinity and I will protect that child forever, I know, I swear, a mothers pledge.
No pictures. No links. No nothing.
I think we are in birth. I think we are in labor.