(this will be one of those long personal ones)
Once I wrote a book about a total re- orientation (it´s sold out but available as an e- book)
I write in the genre of creative non-fiction. This means that I write about reality as I PERCEIVE it at any given time.
Because I don´t understand reality. Because I want to understand. Because writing is my medium of change.
I wrote a book. The book was about divorce, court custody cases (that I won), it was about being a mother, it was about being a woman in dire need of re- orientation and the book was written partly on facebook thereby making it one of the first so-called “hybrid books” in Denmark meaning that it got a lot of attention, I got a lot of attention, the things I wrote about got a lot of attention but a lot of the things I wrote about were…. fragile.
Fragility and attention are opposites in our culture. It´s confusing but that´s not what I want to write about here.
I don´t have the best relationship in the world to my xhusband. The book didn´t do a lot of good for our communications (actually the book became kind of court case too) No matter how much I think all parties bear huge responsibility for things going down as they did I have to recognize that some people just want me to shut the fuck up. Some people find my words threatening.
This is why I cannot write about what´s happening right now. I cannot write about my son and his sickness and the way our entire world has exploded, raining down on us in bits and pieces.
I cannot tell you about this pain and the real and actual events that change our lives right now.
I´m not even at home while I write this. I´m travelling south, again, like a migrant bird, like the cranes who are currently waiting for each other on certain fields before they head for Africa, patience, man, they have patience.
I´m in someone elses house right now, Jeppe has gotten some handyman work, we need the money. Travelling south. Slowly. To see my son.
Words are my freedom and thus I confine myself to something that feels like a prison. I subdue to someone elses reality, words, someones elses truth. It is a total surrender.
To give up trying to fix the wrong. To accept. To shut up.
Some of my readers have been trying to tell me this for a long time.
Accept. Embrace. Breathe.
Then I say “NO!” and I continue “I am a viking warrior, I told you!” and then you smile, maybe you walk away, maybe you come back.
I happen to be very stubborn.
It has gotten me far.
I never give up. I have never given up (Lie. I have given up before and it killed me, I´m a walking ghost)
I want to link this story about my past, my emotions, my way of being to something larger.
I think: “As above, so below”, I think “The personal is political”, I think “We need new kinds of stories on all levels!”
Accept. Embrace. Breathe.
(look closely on that picture)
So what I´m wondering and what I´m searching for is a story IN BETWEEN these two opposites.
I´m not a new-ager/budist and I don´t respond well to people trying to push new age/budist ideology down my throat so please don´t. Let me arrive at my own conclusions. Allow me to be able to air my concerns and to be respected in these concerns.
I have an honest problem about this “accept and embrace” thing and the ego as illusion.
In my mind’s eye this often becomes an excuse for pacificism, personal comfort-ism and straight up laziness plus the all encompassing white privilege.
1. The nature of human kind is not to just “sit with it”, accept and embrace. The nature of us, as a species, is to fight, to do better, to strive, to aspire, to try. Defeat is not an option. Historically and emotionally this seems to be central for the human experience.
2. Ego is also central of your human experience. It might very well be illusion but we must recognize that most people in our modern times perceive the world through the ego and that the ego therefore is RELEVANT. Don´t belittle it. Don´t push it away. Don´t pretend as if you have less ego than everybody else because you don´t, working on not working on the ego… is just your truth.
3. I have a problem with this whole enlightenment ideology, that there is some kind of truth behind or beneath. I perceive it to be some kind of idealism and I tend to perceive the world from the opposite direction: through the matter, through the body, through the action. I don´t think truth is somewhere OUTSIDE of action or outside of the body, in some flimsy idea- dreamworld and as a spiritual person I don´t work with the “spirit world” because all of the spirits are here all of the time.
Such is my experience.
This is why I have a hard time accepting and embracing climate change. Not fighting.
It just dosn´t FEEL right. Defeat. Total defeat. I can´t do it.
… only I just did, in my personal life, in my personal life I rolled over and said “I do not agree with this, I consider this wrong but I recognize that a war will be cause more pain to others than my defeat will cause pain to myself, seize fire, seize fire”
I accept. I embrace. I lose control.
It´s not even that I “lose” control, power, agency.
It´s that I give away. Freely.
(here´s a picture of Sigurd standing in the garden pretending to be a flower, trying to attract a bee. “Hey where are all the bees?” he said and I didn´t tell him I just said “Well, the bees have a hard time right now” He responded: “I´m going to call on the bees then”. He stood there for a really long time)
Since I got back on social media I have made one television interview (via skype), two radio interviews, a feature in Fyns Stiftidende (it says a lot about the correlation between social media and traditional media, it says a lot about “visibility”)
I have raised 220 dollars pr month via my Patreon page and booked additionally four speeches this fall (hey, I do speeches, you should really book me for your school, your local library, your cafe).
I have also begun a campaign about the climate conference in Paris later this year, I want to go and make a travel reportage from the event. This project has already gotten 4000 kroner (you can support the project via mobile pay 5380 0039 or patreon).
Right now I´m planning, researching and preparing interviews. I want to report DIFFERENTLY from the event (through the personal perspective, it´s what I do), I want to shed light on climate change from alternative angel.
I have also begun reviewing books for national newspaper Politiken and am currently talking with newspaper Information about another thing. And writing a book about the end of the world, naturally (in all truth I´m not really working on my Voluspá book at the moment though but I still stress about it)
Also I have canned a truckload of blueberries, lingonberries, peas and beans (kale coming up), I have rearranged the furniture as I always do and I have been sitting in the sun contemplating the meaning of life, floating in the forest lake for hours, going for a lot of walks with ThunderBoy.
I keep myself busy.
When I hurt I keep myself busy.
It´s a personality disposition. It´s how I am.
I don´t surrender. I burn out.
This winter I was having an email conversation with wonderful Mark Boyle. I told him about some challenges I was having in my community, he said “Just don´t burn out. It´s not worth it” (now he has kind of written a book about activism, permaculture, burn-outs, it looks really interesting).
Avoiding burning out!
No sir. Full turbo. Onwards! Onwards!
You see where I´m going with this?
Actually I don´t really see it myself but I think it´s something along these lines:
How to respond to climate change on a personal level (and serious shit in general) is not a question about either/or.
SOMETIMES you work really, really, really hard. You have energy, you make changes. Other times you curl up and forget.
It´s not wrong.
It´s not wrong for a human being to be flexible, to sway between power and powerlessness. It´s not wrong to wanting to forget at times, it´s not wrong to work like a crazy person, to deny defeat.
Couldn´t this be an element of the new story?
Can´t I both be a buddhist monk and a viking warrior, really, who said I had to choose?
Sometimes we fight. Sometimes we accept. Sometimes we share our stories of sorrow and defeat. Sometime we just sit there, quietly.
I don´t think we have to come up with ONE solution. One truth. One action. One approach. I think this very deperate need for something to be defined, categorized and solved… is part of the problem.
Over and out, sos and T4, I´m ok.
Ps. I like Paul Kingsnorth. He wrote a nice piece about climate change and the inherent flaws in either approach.
I think it´s very much worth the read, I recommend this piece a whole lot.