on relationships

One of the consequences of having lived as such a tight family unit, dependent not only on each others work but also really the company, is that we seem to grow more and more dependent on each other.
Sure, it´s different regarding the (big, giant!) children; they´re not so much “seeking away from the home” as they are “seeking onwards towards themselves”, it´s a natural process and although it´s hurtful to see them go it´s also a sensation of pride.
I mean… look at them!
I´m proud of what we have gone through together, I am proud of what we have done.
I know there is a strong connection and much love between us and that calms me when the sorrow of watching them leave is too heavy.

As you know I´m in Denmark to deal with some things. A family crisis.
Jeppe and Sigurd was in the forest, tending to the garden, keeping the fort, but one of the consequences of having lived like we do in the forest is, that it becomes weirder and weirder to be apart.
It´s been hard for me to deal with this crisis without them present in real flesh and it´s been hard for them in the forest, because it´s not the same without me.
So they came.

DSCF3693(yeah, that´s right, they came riding on a pony all the way from Sweden, smiley)

With one side of my brain this growing dependency bothers me.
With another side of my brain it´s ok.

I find most relations to be claustrophobic, invading, overwhelming and really time-consuming, too much hard work so I tend to stay away from them. Relationships. People.
To me relationships are like waves.

Watching. Intrigued.

DSCF3663
Running. Scared.

DSCF3665

Jeppe and I have decided to get married again.
We have been married for seven years now but it feels important to renew the wows, reassert the commitment so in august were getting married, it will a be quiet thing, a solemn thing, by our cabin, in the midst of our garden, surrounded by trees.

I´ve been thinking so much about relationships. Both the close and personal relationships I have with my children, my husband, friends, neighbours and family but also the more overall relationships I engage in such as here on the blog, on social media or by being a “public” person, speaking up, speaking around.
Somehow relationships seems to be key. Important.

I´m not thinking about the “Why” anymore. I´m thinking about the “How” and I think that reflects something I learned in the forest.

We are connected.  Just like the trees and the fish and the bees and the weather. We influence each other. We affect each other.
I´m feeling more and more ok with it.

DSCF3645

18 thoughts on “on relationships

  1. I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships too…and recognise that claustrophobic, overwhelming feeling…sometimes I seriously consider, if I would prefer to be all alone, or well not alone, but without the company og other humans. That makes me scared…but I know that this cultures idea of relationship is not the only one… I believe that the reason it’s often so exhausting, to me at least, is because the idea of relationships, like pretty much everything else in this culture, has been swallowed by capitalism…you need to “work on your relationships”, decide if they are “worth it” or ” a waste of time” we are afraid og showing how we really are, because we’re afraid of losing…..each other. This is only an expression of my observation and generally speaking…I know that there are so many exeptions…but I’ve just always felt, that you need to “be something”, “do something” to be accepted…and most important: don’t ask to many questions about why it’s like this, because everybody agrees that it’s not.

    Like

    1. I think you are absolutely right about the capitalisation of relationships- and it´s one of the hardest things about being a hustler because I don´t WANT to bring money into the equation, I´m trying not to… it´s just that… well, you know, I need it. Sometimes I think my life would be so much nicer if I didn´t DEPEND on making my “art” (or whatever I should call it). If it was done freely. If I could come and go.

      Just thinking out loud here…

      And also, yes: everybody agrees on the surface that it´s not like this but it is!

      Like

      1. It’s almost impossible to complitely escape this culture, because it’s everywhere….but we can choose not to get eaten by it, not to be slaves. I’ve just red a book, called ‘Mutant message down under’ about a tribe in Australia, who decided to die out, because they can’t live to way they want to… they will die, but their message won’t, these people didn’t own anything, they didn’t bring everything and yet they had everything they needed…
        I remember, as a child, my parents told us, that they didn’t pay us for the work we did. They gave us money because we were a part of the family and we had to help because we were apart of the family.
        Maybe it’s the same with your art… Your share because you want to and the people who give you money do it, because they want to, because they want you to share your art….so nobody sells, nobody buys, we just share…..and that’s why we’re not really part of this culture

        Like

  2. Dear andrea
    Your photos look like the beach where i live. I think the similarity accounts for my immediate pleasure in danmark and danish landscape when I first visited almost fifty years ago.
    My father, 102, died on Saturday. My sister was with him. In his youth he was a distance runner, and death had a long race to catch him.
    But for him, I barely seemed to exist, and so it became for me as well– living faraway in California and involved in his pursuits, he did not figure much in my life or my children’s lives. I work with what I have and hope I can keep the connections strong within the family I created, but as Gaia says, one is assailed sometimes by conflicting feelings. My father got away , and like him, I wish too sometimes to be alone.
    All best, and thank you for your posts.
    ~ Abigail

    Like

  3. I used to judge myself based on the relationships I had, because I was an idiot. I believed that I had to have x,y,z in order to be successful. As a result, my relationships were all lacking in something meaningful. Then I stopped that and started living more naturally. I didn’t do anything, and I allowed whatever to happen, happen. A rotating door of people came in various ways, and it remains that way now. It feels much better this way. The 2 people who are permanent in my life…those are different, but that works in a natural way too. We give each other space and freedom….anyway, great post as always:}

    Like

    1. I think this is extremely sound advice! Often I have felt that there was something wrong with me because there seemed to be this river of friends too in my life, people coming and going… but you´re right. Relationships ARE fluctuations, moving entitities, nothing stagnated or frozen about them.
      I think the internet is changing some of our way of engaging in relations (it has for me). On the internet I have had very strong and intense friendships- but they seem to MOVE a lot. Strong and intense friendships coming and going….

      Like

      1. I start to see anything anymore like a comparison to nature. Everything is always changing. The seasons change, the earth changes. We change. Growing up I thought everything was supposed to stay the same. But even my own family is not the same dynamic it used to be. I used to get so mad about this:} Not anymore….I think we have to keep moving, keep adapting, keep evolving, even if it means leaving people behind. Forced relationships suck. Of course then there are those people who are exactly as they were when they were teenagers…they baffle me, defying change like that? My old friends from high school for example…..exactly the fucking same as when we were in school! Act the same, do the same things, treat me as if I were who I was back then. I can’t do it…I’ll always love them and our time together but that’s just too dang weird. Those people freak me out…plus, how damn boring can you get?

        Like

        1. It´s so funny you should mention this because it´s something I always make a point about when I do the speeches… how scary it was for me (as modern consumer) to realize that everything changes, all of the time because, exactly as you say, we are brought up to strive towards continuity, the constant, the “safe” …

          thanks for your commenting!

          Like

  4. There’s nothing wrong with being “dependent” on someone.
    To me that shows the courage one has to be vulnerable, to open up, to be together as one…. As long as it not becomes an obsessive, total dependence.
    I am dependent on my wife for a number of things (practical, emotional and mental) and she has that with me too. That’s why we are still/again together….. since 1988…
    And relationships change, simply because people change. The trick is to adapt to the changes the other one or oneself is going though and to accept them. Sometimes that does not work and then relationships end. However it does take effort and courage to do so and I feel that many today lack that… or simply can’t be bothered with it. And so marriages, friendships and other relations end prematurely, because there is no one willing to go that extra mile, to show that extra effort.

    Sounds to me you and Jeppe know what I was talking about.

    Like

    1. Exactly right, Ron. There is giving and reciprocity and trust and generosity. Unfortunately alot of people seem to be too stuck on themselves to make such an investment…even with a partner and kids! Crazy! Almost everyone I know has divorced, those that are not have just decided to not spend much time together…..keeping up appearances. And then there is my family, very interdependent in a supportive nest sort of way, and I would not trade that for anything. Good for you and the others who have figured out how to actually maintain long term relationships.

      Like

  5. Andrea, I love that picture of Sigurd on the pony, it really made me smile. 🙂 Congratulations on the marriage! And I hope your older boy is doing better.

    Ron, since 1988? Wow, you must have been in high school.

    Like

      1. Same for me and my husband. We’ve been together since we were 16 years old. When people have asked how we stayed together for so long and through so many life changes (we went to different colleges, I went to England for 4 months, then graduate school on the other side of the state from him, etc), the only answer (and the only real one, I think) was to say, “He’s my best friend. You don’t dump you best friend just because your life changes.” That’s pretty much it. Our relationship has always mattered more than anything else and we make all decisions based on how to keep it strong. Now, we’re doing the same with our relationship as parents and as a family. I find it interesting that those decisions seem to make us more out of step with other people than those we made just as a couple. Hhhmmmmm….
        Congratulations to Andrea and Jeppe! I imagine renewing your vows will be a wonderful way to say, “Yes, we mean this, Yes, we are doing this, Yes, this is who we are.” Beautiful!
        I love the picture of Thunderboy on his noble steed, too.

        Like

  6. I´ve been together with my husband about 9 years. I was a different person back, when we met – he was too.. But I have changed the most. I wanna escape – run like hell, to the woods. With children, husband, dogs and not so much else. Freedom! He wants to stay. No matter what. And I want him, so I have to stay. Even though it is breaking me in two. We are deeply connected and I dont know why. He rides his motorcycle and I wander the woods. He goes to the gym and I tend the garden and harvest food. We depend on each other somehow. It must be the love – the connection. Even though we stand on each side of a border.

    Like

.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s