Early morning, racing through the country, listening to Kristin Hersh (100% listener generated music)
I sing, I scream and I moan as the sun rise and the traffic jams get thicker, like clogged blood. On my way to work. A speech (“radical life choices”) at Krogerup Højskole (they are kind of steady costumers, they do a lot of good and I recommend them)
Car broke down (off course) spent the rest of our money at the mechanics, there must be some sort of poetic justice hidden in the fact that things break just as you need them the most, I go with the flow, I accept and embrace.
It´s cool.”Most of the time” as Bob Dylan would say.
I do love the car though. I actually love a car.
Step into my office
I don´t know how to convey the facts in a pretty way.
The facts are staring at me as ugly little creatures through the morning mist above the monoculture fields that this country has been tamed into being. Monoculture. Fields. Ugly little facts with yellow eyes.
I worry about my son.
There´s no question.
I need to be around him and thus I need to be in Denmark. For various reasons I can´t just take him and run to the hills.
HOW can I be in Denmark? How long and how much? How many travels? What kind of life?
And we have no money.
This is getting serious.
I feel afraid.
It smells weird here. It smells rotten and tucked away, I never even knew that Sweden is clear air, fresh, mountains, forest lakes, freedom. I mean, I knew, rationally, but I didn´t KNOW.
How much I have changed.
How different things look when you come back to the original starting point.
What will become of us, how shall we handle this, I miss thunderboy, I wonder what they´re doing in the forest right now, I feel unfree, I feel trapped, alone, my heart pumping, surrender, oh god, what about the things I believe in, agency, it´s all lost!
The ugly little creatures with their ugly yellow eyes, the monoculture fields, the racing on the highway, singing my lungs out as some sort of freedom of speech (and I havn´t even mentioned Greece (this is a coup!) or climate change (this is a coup!))
This intense feeling of powerlessness… I remember it.
This is why we ran…. back in the days.
This overwhelming feeling of powerlessness.
WhatcanIdoWhatcanIdoWhatcanIdo? And the answer is always “nothing”.
Only it´s not. That´s not the answer.
You can ALWAYS do something. This is what humans do. We do something. It´s layered into our existence, this is what the human race is about: wedowedowedo and wecanwecanwecan.
We´re great optimist bordering to insanity, right? We´re destructive in our constant trying to improve, we are beautiful in our never-ending…. hunt.
It´s funny for a “motivational speaker” like me to realize that in a situation like this I´ve forgotten all of my motivational speech.
I fell right back in… the pit.
The sense of powerlessness. Waiting for someone else or something else to change. Do something.
I realize that it is now, more than ever, that I have to APPLY what I´ve learned into action. My actions.
So I give to you: this is what I´ve learned about the feeling of powerlessness.
This is the Test Terror Zombie Survival Kit.
TEST TERROR ZOMBIE SURVIVAL KIT (phychological edition)
1. You have the RIGHT to live according to your morals, ethics and sense of purpose. It is not a gift someone can grant you, it is not a privilege.
Every human being on this planet has a right, I might say obligation, to live according to their beliefs. None of us are slaves. Of others. None of us should be slaves. Of others.
This is not being spoiled. This is not “expecting too much out of life/we all have to do our duty”. This is not “a lifestyle project”. This is not being a dreamer. This is not ignorance. This is not an act of unsolidarity. This is the EXACT opposite to all of that.
Every one of us have the RIGHT to live as we believe life should be lived.
If people criticize you for expressing this right then they are criticising all that is good and noble about being a human being.
(So I´m going to do this thing in a way that makes sense to me, I´m the subject of external forces, yeah, but I can make it matter WITHIN this reality. All is not lost. Never)
2. “All problems can be deconstructed into practical problems and all practical problems can be solved”.
My neighbour Maja always say that. And when I do the speeches (I just remembered) I always tell people to turn away from the abstract and focus on “doing what you can with what you have where you are”.
Change comes from beneath. From the ground.
Thoreau said it too. “Simplify! Simplify!” he said and I wonder if this is some kind of forest truth that has sunk into us. If you live out there long enough…..
(I need a job. I need a place to live. These problems can be solved)
(ahem: so…. I´m a writer and a speechgiver, I´ve been a teacher at institute for psychology for a long time, worked as a coach and a projectmanager, I have reviewed books for Politiken and I swear to god, I´ve even been a communicationsconsultant plus I´m a bad ass gardener and know a lot about sustainability and such so if you have a job maybe? Or know someone who does?)
3. Life is a bitch and then you die (probably alone)
This is true.
No need to cover up the facts and the bruises, open eyes, forehead high, we are warriors, you do not have the luxury of surrender.
(So I shout in my car “wake up, wake up!” I shout)
4. Life is love.
This is also true.
We are transmitters of life, this means that we are transmitters of love. Let love flow through you, be kind. Being kind and generous can heal you.
If it dosn´t come naturally: fake it ´till you make it. Deep inside us all and even despite our differences and arguments… everybody do what they can and if they don´t (do what they can) then they feel like shit and you shouldn´t hurt them.
(I was thinking about shutting this blog down and stop doing what I do, only focus on getting some money- go work at the death star but I don´t think I will. I NEED to feel generous in the way that I feel when I share)
5. Self loathing and shame is the enemy. When people say bad things about you- your immediate reaction can not be “Well, yeah, that´s probably true”.
You were taught in school. You were taught by society. This is the oppression. This exactly the oppression. The class war takes place inside of your own mind.
(This is the hardest part. You are good. You are kind)
Five easy steps to a true and authentic life, eternal bliss, weight loss, success in the workplace and deep loving relationships, a bullet proof scientifically based cognitive model of zombie survival.
If you´re one of the people who have wanted to donate for the continuing existence of this blog and our work in general but havn´t really had the time… now would be a super good time. We´re in a hard place right now.
I work in the gift economy.
These are the bank account numbers you can donate to
Also I would like to blatantly say that it would be great, needed and appreciated support if you buy or share my husbands freshly released album or my book about our first strange year in the forest.
Sharing our work is also a great way to support us! (tell you library to book me!)
And now for the contours of a thought, something I have been boggling with for a while.
I need your thoughts, ideas and advice.
I think what we need, every single one of us, is to not feel so lonely (as most of us do).
Therefore I see a great need for a multitude of meaningful communities. Fighting the loneliness, learning how to stand together… seems important.
I´ve been looking everywhere, I´ve searching high and low for the movement of resistance, some organisation to join, somewhere to apply for membership but they all seem… I don´t know. Too big? Distant? Maybe we need smaller communities? How can we learn to trust eachother again? Right here, right now, maybe it dosn´t need to be that abstract, maybe it dosn´t have to include everyone in a universal way? Some communities needs to be rooted in the real world, but many of us are also using the technology of our age to try and find a sense of community that is not LOCATED as such (can that even be done?)
I know this has been one of the absolute biggest challenges about our life in the forest. Community.
Therefore I know that it matters. This is where it hurts.
SO: if this little corner of the world is a super vague community, then how can I contribute to make it stronger? Can I help you (in your singularity)? Can I help you as a group of readers? What would you like me to do now? Do you see a way I can apply my skillset in a way that matters to YOU?
I´m just going to post this now.