Prepper mind

Sometimes life overwhelms you and leaves you speechless.
It happens to everyone, it happens everywhere, it happens all of the time, it happened to me.
Several things within me which I register with the same scrutiny as I register the things outside me.
1. It´s been raining for what seems as several months. 2. I´m not having anything from anyone anymore; years as a failure to be a pleaser has contaminated me. How does contaminated soil FEEL?

Here´s a picture of a fresh pine cone

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The CAUSE (of climate change, personal fluctuation) is beyond me. It´s an whole array of things and it dosn´t really matter, what matter is that we register and so I register; we planted for draught and bought a water pump so we could pump the water from the creek all the way up here (last year the well ran dry under a heat spell)
It´s been raining, I´m telling you, it´s been raining for weeks and weeks and in the short breaks between the rain we run to the garden and so I spend my days running and weeding, stumbling over the pump as I run in and out the door.
Unpredictability. Is the future.

I hear the rumble. Boat refugees. Who owns the government. Prominent warnings about climate: this needs to be our priority, an election in Denmark, they´ve gone lynch mob on the foreigners, nobody speaks of the obvious elephant in the room (which is this: our world is a surrogate illusion of security and predictability, it´s fake and it´s harmful, iceberg! iceberg!)
Yeah yeah. Change is coming.
My prepper mind is looking at the sky. My prepper mind is uneasy.

I want to be as my house. Hidden.
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I want to be like my boy. To him the water pump is a toy

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I want to be like my husband, music makes him so happy
(he was away for a long while, recording his album in the studio, the album will be out soon, someone sent me this picture and I missed him)

jeppeistudie

But I´m not.

I´m raining.
Reading and writing (the end of the world)

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All that rain… it´s good for the plants though.
Just you wait and see.

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16 thoughts on “Prepper mind

  1. People who see, people who sense, the brave, the outsiders, the “crazy people”.They talk about it..death, demise, decay. The others… the “normal people” they think that the explanation is a flawed mind, an overreaction… but how can you be anything but schizophrenic, when you see this, with your own eyes, all this enslaved life, all this dying life, this living organism called “Planet Earth” sick, hurt, and the majority of the privileged pretending that the don’t see how serious this is (and maybe they really don’t) “Just buy an organic fair trade mango from Asia with a nice green sticker and you’ll save the world, the poor, your soul and most importantly the economic growth” Maybe we can’t stop this mass murder of life (I don’t know?!) but we can find the courage to look at it, stop telling each other these lies… that we can save the world without changing our way of living, without changing our perception of this planet that we’re part of. Nothing but cells (At the moment acting like self destructive cancer cells) Let’s look at this, please… the end of the world as we know it… let’s talk about it.

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  2. Dear andrea
    Please, you cannot wrap yourself in despair, because then that is all you’ll know.
    Life goes on.
    Look for the simplicity, peace, integrity, community, equality, stewardship in your life.
    be the change you want to see, as an important person said.
    All best,
    ~ abigail

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  3. Andrea, they want us to despair and give up. To go within and hibernate. Sometimes that is useful, but I think, it is also good to do what you can when you can. Live according to your own carefully selected principles, stay in the moment ( beautiful home and family, amazing food, wildlife, etc) to keep us from getting so negative we contaminate our children and rob them of the very healthy life we tried to provide in the first place…..not preaching at all, trying to explain what helps me when things seem so dark, unchangeable, end of all things. Yes, a fair trade mango won’t do a damn thing. Me grinding my teeth. Losing sleep and snapping at the kids because of the war on my backdoor really only feeds the cycle set in motion, no? And what IF, somehow, the same generous universe that gave us this beautiful planet manages to take care of things and the balance is restored, what if we have stifled any joy or natural appreciation in our children with our wallowing misery? I am not saying you gotta be all happy, all the time. I am saying the system is designed, as you well know, to wear us down, another way to keep us in check. How about a long walk in the rain, foraging. Breathing. Focusing on what you will do to be the change. I apologize if I am coming across as lecturing or telling you how to be. I am sharing what has helped my, my family, when I get this way. Wishing you peace and kisses for Sigurd (my daughter wants to pinch his cheeks!)

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    1. Oh! Almost forgot. We live near Saida, which was sacked by Sigurd in the middle ages ;-). A verb in the Lebanese dialect exists now….”sigurdti” meaning a crazy, powerful one to fear and avoid. Thought you might enjoy this little story 🙂

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      1. Thanks for sharing Olive, I really enjoyed the story. 🙂
        Reading about all the crusaders who ransacked Saida, wondering if they all have names likes “sigurdti”, Lebanese dictionary like the history must be rich. 🙂
        “On 4 December 1110 Sidon was captured, a decade after the First Crusade, by King Baldwin I of Jerusalem and King Sigurd I of Norway. It then became the centre of the Lordship of Sidon, an important lordship in the Kingdom of Jerusalem. Saladin captured it from the Crusaders in 1187, but German Crusaders restored it to Christian control in the Crusade of 1197. It would remain an important Crusader stronghold until it was finally destroyed by the Saracens in 1249. In 1260 it was again destroyed by the Mongols. The remains of the original walls are still visible.”

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        1. I love reading about history. I find it fascinating that people were ransacking cities 900 years ago. They were doing it manually and it took them years to get there and years to get back. Bye Honey I’ll see you in 25 years!

          I was talking with my husband about the 100th Monkey Effect – which has been de-bunked but still has some valid points if you look into it – and that segued into talking about how the people who painted the caves in France and Spain were homo sapiens with brain capacity same as ours. 17,000 years ago. How long does it take to make real changes? In the days of early modern humans it took a long time. The axemaker’s gift to us was a technology that makes is possible for us to make changes real fast. But we need a technology – if we’re going to go that route – for how to make our consciousness move along at a faster pace. IMHO we’re – in general – still a little too much like the superstitious early modern human. We believe weird things. We don’t know how to figure out what’s right and wrong.

          But I think we’re getting there. I wish the Hundredth Monkey Effect was true. Then all we’d have to do is get the right number of people believing in healthy life and it would happen spontaneously all over the planet. I wonder what history will say about us. The in-between years. Not as bad as the past. Not as good as the future.

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  4. I’ve been where you are at (thought wise) more than once. Not there @ the moment. It s NOT a fun place to be. Think it goes with the territory if you are a thinker and have a caring heart. The trick is to care, but not allow the weight of the world to crush you. Wish I lived closer, would have you over for a cup of wild raspberry tea and a long conversation. ( I made some after your post on that, came up with my own spin on it) I’m glad you wrote this one. DM

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  5. I feel like the thistles that are everywhere on my property right now, right on the verge of blooming, pollinating, spreading their seed. everyone hates thistles. tries every which way to eradicate them. but thistles offer such an amazing gift of restoration, renewal, with their deep tap root, drawing way down into the soil and bringing up to the surface beautiful rich nutrients that heal disturbed soil. and they are so prickly because what they are meant to do, what we need them to do, is so vitally important that they are given great defenses to be able to live long enough to do it. but alas, the prickly purple thistle is misunderstood, unvalued, unappreciated for their offering, and persecuted relentlessly, to extermination. we are prickly purple thistles. our gifts and offerings are vital, our job is essential, and we suffer for it. horsetail is the same. and they are both such incredible symbols of strength, perserverance, resilience. recognise that you are not alone. that there is a design for you and of you in nature herself, with very real purpose, and remind yourself of the prickly purple thistle. embrace the prickle, the persecution, the restorative regeneration that is you, and find solace in the knowledge that you are not alone, and that you are rooting deep deep down and bringing vital life back to the surface for those who live in and will live in your soil. and that is all…all you have to do, all you have to accept, all you have to believe in. mother earth will survive; it’s human and other living creatures that are at risk. and by reminding ourselves that we are acting in accordance with our mother earth assigned duty/nature/role, we are part of her birth/life/renewal energy, for whatever that is worth, whatever that will bring us, wherever that will take us…none of that actually matters really, or is relevant really…because maybe we are here to live through the end, to bear witness to it, to doula an epic death/new beginning in some way…nothing more, nothing less, neither good nor bad, just real, just truth. be prickly. dig deep. pull shit up. burst through the soil. feel the light of the sun and the moon bathe you. unfold. spread your foliage. push through a bud, blossom and bloom. be fertilised. set seed. then let it be torn from you in the wind and watch it leave you, blow away to grow elsewhere. then die, cyclically, lay down your nutrient rich used up worn out body, on the soil. replenish the surface with all that you brought up from the deep. then rest. because you will birth again, for another round, another go, another season, another cycle, over and over and over again. building fertility, soil, life, hope…slowly…and as surely as the thistle and the horsetail have been doing this with/for mother earth for millions of years. we are challenged and chased down (by others and by ourselves), but we are clever and we are strong. and we are of the most enduring and resilient family of creatures mother earth put here to do her mama goddess warrior prickly purple thistle stinging nettle work. be strong and crazy and messy and mad and bossy and belligerent and magical and soft and fluffly and brilliant bright green sister, all at the same time, and keep on keepin’ on!!

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    1. Love your comments about thistles. I stubbornly refuse to pull up a patch of them because of all the things you describe and an experience I had a couple of years ago. I heard a woman named Becca Stevens speak at our church. She’s an Episcopal priest who started a residential facility for women called Magdalene House. From that and the desire to help them have better economic opportunities, Thistle Farms was created. They sell wonderful natural skin care products and other things made by the ladies in this program. http://www.thistlefarms.org/ It’s a wonderful image for these women who have survived prostitution, trafficking and addiction. Thought it might be of interest based on your comment. Peace!

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  6. Dear andrea
    I linked to the end of the world . The voluspa–you have mentioned this a couple of times. Are you researching this, or maybe you are using it for divination?
    Are you in or near the Alfdalen (sp?) or speakers of elfdalian? Could you post more about that work?
    All best,
    ~ Abigail

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  7. Dear Abigail,

    I´m asatru meaning that I have been practising the faith of our forefathers (recounted in the old norse litterature such as the Voluspá) for more than 10 years. I use the poems for divination (what some would call “shamanistic work” but I don´t call it that) as well as for ressearch. Right now I´m working on my next book which will be an autobiografical exploration of exactly the Voluspá. It´s hard and it´s difficult, my genre (autobiography- creative nonfiction) has it´s limitations when it comes to thoussand years old poems – but I´d be damned if I don´t succeed 😉
    The work is difficult but also very… well, it changes me and I´ve changed as of lately, this winter has been especially… intense… and I´m struggeling to sew it all together (with my thin red thread). This book will be my “graduation” as a writer, my third book. My first book was about the aesthetically, the next about the ethics this one will be about the spiritual and so in that regard I´ve been following the existential philosopher Kierkegaard and his principles about “the stages”.
    I´ll post more about it one of these days. Thanks for asking 🙂
    (I live near the Alfdalen actually I have been thinking about going there 🙂

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