The more you tell me to be happy- the sadder I´ll be.
I will rather self-destruct than surrender to the cultural abuse: the manipulation of my emotional life, the disqualification of my subjective experience. This is the great lie and this is the cognitive dissonance that gets to me: we are told we are free (but we are not), we are told we are spoiled and self-absorbed (if we whisper words of unhappiness)
Cultural discourse and personal experience (but I struggle so hard to make ends meet) have never been further away from each other.
I suspect this phenomenon has now grown out of the (historically) feminine sphere and into everyone, hysteria turned into stress, depression, lack of control of bodily functions, pain, fibromyalgia: the only thing we have left, the only thing that is truly our own is the REFUSAL. “I can´t do this anymore”
This is the protest. This is the revolution.
Because obviously life wants to live and I´d rather not self destruct I´m reclaiming my own personal experience and besides I made a comitment. This is the project and the purpose of this blog. You don´t have to agree with me or anything, I´m not selling- but I´m not buying either.
My bullshit radar is chronically blinking “red alert!”, “red alert”
I´ve never been a fan of large groups be it in the sustainability community or the spiritual community, the blogging community or the art community. I just don´t respond well to people in groups, they scare me, herd mentality, lynch mob. Besides, every so called “counter-culture” or “sub culture” I´ve been a member of have never- de facto- been different from the larger culture they tried to separate themselves from. Only the clothing.
Power struggles, shaming, social greed, the hierarchy, the imposing of values, one asshole after the other proclaiming “I´m more enlightened than you”, I THINK I FEEL we have a problem with the correlation between individuality and community in our culture, our culture kinda seems fascist in so far as it only accepts ONE truth (it´s own)
“Red alert!”, “Red alert!” every time someone tells me to be happy.
Here´s what´s bothering me: I´ve never felt more pressure as to how I should be (feel, look, speak, think) as when I ran to the forest and began communicating my experience.
I´ve never been subjected to more cultural pressure. See, the culture has very fixed ideas about it´s own contradiction: if you live in the forest you should eat well, sleep well, never have problems, never be sick, never use technology, you should hate technology, you should be lovingly present all the time, totally happy, never stressed, depressed or weirded out. These images are carved in stone. Ask yourself: How will I be if I go live in the wild? There you have it. Says a lot about who you are now and how you perceive your current life situation)
Purity has never been demanded of me in the way that it is now.
Funny how “authenticity” dosn´t mean staying true to your own emotions at all… it means something else, I realize that now.
My anger, my frustration, my scepticism and my STRUGGLE will never be expressions of some moral flaw- on the contrary. These emotions are equally valid as emotions, you cannot weed in your emotions like that, emotions are WILD.
And I want the whole of that experience.
All of it.
Yesterday I was super duper phenomenally happy.