1. I don´t think we are masters of the universe, masters of the planet nor masters of our minds. I don´t think we can simply choose to be happy or sad. I don´t think happiness or sadness is a choice. I think Positive Psychology, glitter magazines and inspirational speeches accidentally promoted (the hell out of) a neoliberal idea: that we are the blacksmiths of our own happiness.
Only we´re not.
We are tied to circumstances, we are bound to other people, there is a real actual REALITY, objective facts like for instance a) Danish Politicians just passed a new law making forced adoption legal (they can take your children from you and give them new parents- without even asking for your perspective) b) 700 people, women, children, dying in the mediterranean waves while escaping war, desperate people trying to survive. People posting images of the Danish flag writing “700 fewer people to support, hooray!” c) massive surveillance (= self censorship)
It is a hardcore and very real fact: the collapse is not immanent, the collapse is happening right now. Really. Honestly. Look around.
And I didn´t even mention climate change.
These are very real and very objective facts to lament, this is actual loss.
But due to the neoliberal thought control a lot of people close their eyes and decide to think happy thought. As if we can change the real actual reality by “choosing to be happy”.
We can´t choose to be happy. Happiness is not ours. We don´t own happiness. Happiness is not our bitch (nor is the universe, the planet or our own personal bodies)
Happiness is something that comes to us, a river that flows, happiness is tied to reality, bound to other people: we do not make ourselves happy. Happiness is grounded and rooted in: fluctuation.
Go with the flow. Live in the now. These things are not choices. These things happen when you live aware and pay attention, when you breathe and synchronise yourself, you cannot heal yourself without healing the universe, the planet, the body!
Can´t be done.
I don´t think it can be done.
It´s my opinion.
So the problem becomes: How the fuck can I heal the universe?
I can´t. Human megalomania. Shiny neoliberal ideology. I do not hold those powers.
(but see, sometimes the evening skies dance like a fat pink lady!)
I can live.
I can let life flow through me. I can share my experience of living and thereby, maybe, help others feel less lonely.
I can grow my own food. I can take care of my child. I can commit myself to others. I can make the world a little less shitty- but I can´t CHOOSE to be happy and I cannot, never, close my eyes to what´s going on. I must witness this. I must acknowledge that it happens. And I must fight the empire, best as I can, like a vikingwarrior, braided, shield- because I can´t have this happening in my name. In history books to come they shouldn´t write than noone did anything to oppose this.
I wont have them say we just closed our eyes and thought happy thoughts, pretended we could fly.
Which leads me to 2.
I´m not a buddhist. I don´t think the ego is evil nor false, out to lure me. I don´t think the self is to be obliterated, I think one can go through the self.
We are born into these personalities (which we can work on, clearly) for a reason, this is our human experience, I believe I can dive into the MATTER.
Scrutiny. Self examination. Not narcisism- but deeply political work taking place in the private because, honestly, the general public is not really ours anymore.
THIS is why I have had a problem with happiness. In my minds eyes happiness have been infected (for me, in my life) by other people’s notions of happiness, I had no sense of my happiness myself. This happened to me. Maybe it didn´t happen to you.
Furthermore happiness was DEMANDED of me- despite the obvious facts.
I have had to find my happiness and it´s been pretty damn hard work and it´s taken years but I think I found it and to end this post I´d like to tell you where.
I found it in the soil (and I gave it to my child)
Plowing the land was a hard decision. We didn´t want to disrupt anything but over the years we have realized that what humans do is to create space.
It´s just what we do.
We can create miserable space, we can create beautiful space, we can thrive, we can get trapped in it, we can create biotopes or hellholes. I noticed how the birds, the butterflies and the bumblebees came here to feed, I noticed how the fox and the raven and the elk keep an eye on us, interested. We hesitated to plow, we thought about making a field for a really long time. We arrived at the conclusion that due to my back problems (and our coming of age) we need the work in the garden to be less labor intensive. More organized. And also we need to be able to grow more quantities. We need to better at what we do. To be better one needs to always be flexible, alert and ready to experiment. Right?
We depend on this soil. What we´re trying to do out here is to make ourselves more independent on the structures we have grown to recent (not technology in itself- but the structures!), we need to be more resilient, the garden is our primary objective, we will feed ourselves, we will survive.
I think happiness is aligning one self to the universe, the planet, the body and others, I think happiness is tuning into the forces of life, I think happiness is to hear the tramp of boots very well but to NOT be caught like a hedgehog in the frontlights of a car, I think redemption is to be found in ACTION.
Whatever action, I don´t care, there´s a million truths but the very act of doing something, just something… is happiness. To me.
Because that´s what humans do. Too.
We act, we react, we invent and destroy, we bury ourselves deep in the matter, we swim around in the soil! We TRY.
So in my quest to be better at describing my happiness I have now found a central word and blown that word into the air like a seed of dandelion.
Now off to sleep. My body aches but it´s the good kind of pain.