I like to get up before everyone else, sit by the red table outside and listen to the forest wake. I like to wear my black hat as to limit the impressions, kind of like when I go to town and have to limit the scope of my eyes.
I like to watch the fibrillation of the spider webs in the morning sun, good morning bumblebee, and the golden sparrow that comes to my bird feeder like a message from god.
Last couple of days I have seen squirrels everywhere. Woodpecker. Distant raven. I don´t know the names of even half of the sounds which dosn´t preoccupy me except when I try to communicate the experience, when communicating the experience one should know the names of everything. Every. Thing.
Sometimes it sounds as if the trees themselves breathe, creaking.
This post is a commitment.
I want to be honest. Brutally honest. I want to attune myself to the world and be like the world, it seems to me that the world is brutally honest. Actually very clear.
In the past I have not spared myself when communicating my pain. In fact I have been communicating my pain to the extend that I made myself vomit. However I have not been able to communicate my joy, since I am sceptical towards joy, since I do not know the words. Therefore I have closed my blog every spring. Go back through the posts, it´s true. I always leave the internet or facebook or the blog or my profession as a writer in the spring. I can´t handle that truth!
I do not want to suppress pain or pretend it dosn´t exist, I want to embrace it as I want to embrace… everything.
I want to embrace everything!
So I´m done being a coward (who cannot embrace everything) but I´d like to underscore that I still believe we are being force-fed a cognitive dissonance worthy of serpents and dragons, such a poisson: we are told we live in the most free of all worlds. But we don´t. We are told we should be happy (every suspcision that something is deeply wrong passified by this argument: someone else has it much worse, now shut up, smile and be happy (thus we loose ownership of our own emotional lives))). But we´re not. I´m the woman who refused to be happy. I´m the writer so preoccupied with the manipulation in the world that she can´t see the giant log in her own eye. A slave.
I won´t be.
Thus this is my commitment: to heal myself I must communicate this spring. I must find the words. At all cots I must find the words.
Hello golden sparrow, once again, hello annoying green rooster that we can´t bring ourselves to kill who now comes to cuck a coo at me in my perfect solitude morning sun (fuck off!)
Life is so multidimensional.
Yesterday I re planted rosemary, thyme, sage, strawberries and rhubarb.
Today I´ll plant sunflower, corn, onions and flax. This place is going to shine!