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and I hope you do, will.

I like to get up before everyone else, sit by the red table outside and listen to the forest wake. I like to wear my black hat as to limit the impressions, kind of like when I go to town and have to limit the scope of my eyes.
I like to watch the fibrillation of the spider webs in the morning sun, good morning bumblebee, and the golden sparrow that comes to my bird feeder like a message from god.
Last couple of days I have seen squirrels everywhere. Woodpecker. Distant raven. I don´t know the names of even half of the sounds which dosn´t preoccupy me except when I try to communicate the experience, when communicating the experience one should know the names of everything. Every. Thing.
Sometimes it sounds as if the trees themselves breathe, creaking.

This post is a commitment.
I want to be honest. Brutally honest. I want to attune myself to the world and be like the world, it seems to me that the world is brutally honest. Actually very clear.


In the past I have not spared myself when communicating my pain. In fact I have been communicating my pain to the extend that I made myself vomit. However I have not been able to communicate my joy, since I am sceptical towards joy, since I do not know the words. Therefore I have closed my blog every spring. Go back through the posts, it´s true. I always leave the internet or facebook or the blog or my profession as a writer in the spring. I can´t handle that truth!
I do not want to suppress pain or pretend it dosn´t exist, I want to embrace it as I want to embrace… everything.
Every. Thing.
I want to embrace everything!
So I´m done being a coward (who cannot embrace everything) but I´d like to underscore that I still believe we are being force-fed a cognitive dissonance worthy of serpents and dragons, such a poisson: we are told we live in the most free of all worlds. But we don´t. We are told we should be happy (every suspcision that something is deeply wrong passified by this argument: someone else has it much worse, now shut up, smile and be happy (thus we loose ownership of our own emotional lives))). But we´re not. I´m the woman who refused to be happy. I´m the writer so preoccupied with the manipulation in the world that she can´t see the giant log in her own eye. A slave.

I won´t be.

Thus this is my commitment: to heal myself I must communicate this spring. I must find the words. At all cots I must find the words.

Hello golden sparrow, once again, hello annoying green rooster that we can´t bring ourselves to kill who now comes to cuck a coo at me in my perfect solitude morning sun (fuck off!)

Life is so multidimensional.

Yesterday I re planted rosemary, thyme, sage, strawberries and rhubarb.
Today I´ll plant sunflower, corn, onions and flax. This place is going to shine!

Kid shooting and arrow into our new fieldsDSCF2179
Deeper. Deeper we go. Downwards. We´re building a semi underground greenhouse here. It´s all very eathy.
We even walk around bare feet.


21 comments on “A commitment

  1. Even if we life in a world, and in a society that is far from as perfect and free that we are told, happiness is all around us. We should be happy that we are able to recognise that something is wrong, that we can see and act on it instead of not perceiving it at all. Even if that makes us experience un-happy feelings, that does not mean that we can´t be happy at the same time even if we are told that it is not possible.

    My problem with communicating my happy and sometimes deep and indescribable positive feelings is that I feel ashamed when doing so, because I have never been encouraged to do so. To “complain” is perceived to be normal, but if you are overly positive or optimistic then something is wrong with you, because that’s not how we are working in this world, at the moment, right? So, writing it out have become easier than saying it, even if I keep my notes for myself I am sometimes surprised over that all those beautiful words came from me.

    But communicating spring sounds like a good plan, and I look forward to read about it 🙂


    1. I think you´re right in that assumption. People complain a lot, like, a lot (especially about other people) but at the same time noone really talks about their deep sadness, lonelyness and depression, the superfisical whine is allright but never speak of the roots of the problems! Thanks for commenting, nice blog you have 🙂


      1. That is very true :). Complaining is one thing and we are tending to do that a lot, and it is acceptable to do that. But when we acknowledge our deepest and most painful “secrets” we are often met by uncomfortable silence and no understanding what so ever, even if everyone experience the same feelings and emotions. Those sides of the human being have become very taboo, which is a shame since I belive that we grow from the dark. However, when we acknowledge those really dark and painful sides of ourselves I believe that we are starting to experience more moments of true happiness 
        But hey, watch out, if you are communicating your darkest and most destructive feelings AND your very happy moments you might be perceived as mano-depressive, a borderline person, and even worst, as different and a bit crazy 😉


  2. Lori says:

    Good and bad are two sides of the same coin. You cannot have one without the other. No matter how many times someone tells me, “It’s all good!” I know it’s not. It can’t be. If everything were good, perfect, and beautiful all the time, it wouldn’t mean a thing. Without the contrast of bad, imperfect, and ugly we would not notice. I have lately found myself intolerant of the positivity mindset that is pumped at us from all sides. If we all think good thoughts, then nothing but good will happen? Can’t be. Without bad there is no good. That mindset is escapist and nothing more than a way to get everyone looking in one direction while someone does something sneaky behind our backs.


  3. nicoleaugust says:

    The dirt of unhappiness can grow some joyous annuals ! I just give in to Spring fever …


  4. I should elaborate on my stance. Here´s a qoute:
    I consider stress, depression, sadness as expressions of bodyly, spiritual or emotional strike. “I cannot take part in this anymore”

    Strike or boycut seemed like the only solution for a long time… but I´m changing.


  5. Why force yourself to communicate that which you feel and experience?
    When you do feel, those experiences will automatically shine through in your words. No need searching for them.
    And I dare say it:”Yes. Right now I am happy!” Working outside, planting fruit trees and berrybushes, building beehives and woodshack, carrying wood and doing chores, whilst enjoying the awakening of land and beast….. A real, deep sense of content, of joy, of happiness….. And I cherish it while it lasts.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I really reccomend reading this

    “It’s such a clever trick of the mind. We think we’ve got access to all the information in the world, and in theory we do, almost, and we think the world has never been more open to us, and in theory it is, but in reality the opposite is true. The overwhelming complexity and our paralyzed state of being makes it impossible for us to choose, edit, make decisions and be present enough to experience the vast landscapes of information and possibilities ‘available’ to us. We dream about one day being able to make use of the individual freedom and access to the entire world we’ve allegedly gained.”

    Sadness is not an illussion, sadness is not self chosen, there is real actual REASON to be sad. And then, after having stared sadness into the eyes maybe there is reasson for hope and joy?


    1. BeeHappee says:

      Why is this bothering you, Andrea? (I may not be understanding what this author is trying to say…)
      Yes, we can’t save every starving child in Haiti, every mutilated body in Palestine, every self-absorbed young person in England. But you have a big heart and you have the incredible power of your pen. You shoot some arrows with your little Robin Hood in the woods, and make some pies, and hug your friends, and you put the pen to the good cause. Jeppe is making music. People can enjoy his music, and can enjoy your writing. When each one of us has some trust in humanity, trust in each other, a shoulder to cry on, some tea to share, then things are not as bad as they may appear to be?? Many bright and beautiful kids out there and we serve as an example for them. We are contagious. When one person is filled with love, most others will feel love around that person. When one person is filled with sadness, most others will become sad.

      Now Eumaeus will come and scold me for giving advice. 🙂 Sorry, E. . Let’s just say this is my advice to myself more than anyone else.

      I very much used to beat myself up all the time about “sad” things in the world, for years, about starvation, wars, starving kids, crazy politicians, you name it. The more I felt sad about all that, the more I was clinging to the information and stories about that sadness (the pain body feeding itself). None of it was accomplishing anything. Searched out for people who were doing same, so we could all cry about the world’s sadness together, and blame “them”. I thought maybe if I didn’t feel sad, then I am psychopath with no feelings. Or that if I did not feel sad, the world would become even worse, because I was not “doing anything”. Well, the truth is, the world stayed as it stayed, and did not much care about my drama, not only that, absorbed in the self-pity of sadness I had little time to focus on anything else. ..

      Do I still feel shitty sometimes, yes, of course, then I try to listen to that shitty voice in the head, stand back and observe why it feels shitty and let it be for a while. That usually works, but if that does not, I take a ride at 120km per hour and blast some favorite music. Always works. 🙂 And then you get to work on whatever needs to get done.

      I imagine being a public figure like you under scrutiny takes an incredibly strong person to stay well and peaceful and a hard balance between being honest and having a protective shell. Stay well and hugs to you!!


      1. I used to be into self torture like that, too. I was such a scam artist. I had thoughts about how I should do this, or do that. I joined the Nicaraguan Liberation Front but I was just a poser so I went back to feeling guilty and then eventually I realized all the guilt I felt was just a currency I used to pay so I could feel bad all over again.

        Well, now I realize this. But does it eliminate the ravage of thought? Nay, it does not! But I hope that realizing the thought is one step in the right direction of having the thought be as a line etched on water instead of stone. When it’s on the water the thought won’t stay. It will still be. It will still arrive in all it’s pestiness but won’t be able to stick around for long when my mind is like water.


    2. That’s really an interesting thing to think about: Sadness is not an illusion or self chosen. There’s a tangible reason for it.

      My husband and I just got back from a most long awaited trip to the Grand Canyon and Monument Valley in Arizona. And in between being blown away by the amazing, amazing planet what was I doing? Being sad! I said to him: I am cursed with an imagination. That is my problem. Other people don’t have my problem. Some people go about their business without messiness. I am not like this.

      I don’t know how to expunge what is in my mind. All I know is how to – somewhat – manage it.

      If you can stare sadness in the eyes I can, too. One of the great things about your blog is that you are ruthless in your self inquiry and it gives the rest of us courage to do the same.



      1. Actually I do think sadness is self chosen, just like happiness.
        I too was one of those feeling sad about thew world and mad at humanity. But I chose to let it go. I chose to focus on my little world and on trying to make that a better place. And that is all each of us can do, but we can not imagine the implications it might have outside our directly visible world. And we should not focus on that either. Cast the pebble in the pond, see the splash and who knows where the ripples will end up…
        Yes, I still feel bad about what humans did at Fukushima, what they are doing in the middle east and in the western world. Truth is I can not do a damn thing about it or very, very little. I will not turn a blind eye, but I refuse to focus on it all and let it dictate my life.
        Problem is is that I have been doing that for so long that it has practically become second nature. Talking about changing habits….

        I too know the imagination-routine, Renée. Often my worst enemy is my own mind. So I am choosing to start using it in a productive fashion….. which is quite easy in this time of year. Not so easy (next to frickin’ impossible) in say mid january or february.


        1. I once read this thing that said one of the reasons it’s so hard to give up old patterns was that our brains get grooved in those habits (an actual groove or neural pathway in the brain, physical, tangible) and like water taking the path of least resistance there the thought goes! Right down that gully to the sadness! It takes years to soften that habit.

          So I, too, have been in the process of leaving it behind. I say process because it is on going. I could say I left it behind but I find it catches up with me from time to time – a lot! I feel a presence behind me, turn around and there she is! Old sadness grinning like a jackal whining why did you leave me back there I thought we were friends! Then I say well then walk with me a ways, we’ll talk, let me entertain your ideas but not let you convince me that you have the truth.

          That’s the way I deal with sadness.

          I’d like to talk to the people that seem to find their way through life without trouble. I wonder if they just seem untroubled by outward appearances.


          1. BeeHappee says:

            Scientifically, if you believe in that, they say 50% of your happiness/attitude depends on genetics, 10% on circumstances, and 40% you can control/change. Not sure if this makes you feel happier or sadder. 🙂
            Take care Renee. Post some pictures from your beautiful yet sad trip. 🙂


  7. Eumaeus says:

    just give up the mind (i know you can’t hear me)
    you think you’ll lose something when you do that
    But you gain
    trust nothing but especially don’t trust your mind


  8. Bill says:

    New fields, walking barefoot on the earth that will host a greenhouse, the beauty of an annoying rooster, planting seeds and anticipating the shine to come, rejoicing in the wonder of multidimensional life…

    As nature erupts with life and beauty (in all its complications), may it also bring the healing of spring.



  9. Nanna Mercer says:

    The photo you enclosed looks like amber. Warm flowing amber of semi-liquid vicosity. Gorgeous!


    1. I´m really happy you noticed 🙂


  10. Thank you everyone for your wondeful thoughtful comments- they made me think a LOT and helped me in my proces of understanding, I´m amazed at what this (blog) space can do! I´m not certain I agree with all of you but I read your comments with an open heart and followed you as long as I could. Jeez. How much we could do as the human race if we could exchange thoughts this way….


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