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Meet Lasse, my new neighbour and reigning National (Danish) poetry slam champion.

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He is going deeper into the forest to build himself a log cabin and live in the wild. At the moment he´s living with us though, this year we´ll share the garden.

Meet Persille. extraordinaire. Period. Pouting Princess.

 

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Winter is lonely up here. Dark and lonely, isolated and long. Cabin fever is not so much a state of mind as it is a quiet chill. Summer on the other hand is intense and flickering, a stressful state of burning.
You can´t have one without the other.
You cannot truly know the beauty of company if you have not experienced being trapped and enclosed in your own mind.
And you cannot know the importance of being alone unless you have given your all to others.

Such is my hypothesis.

Weiter on.

Meet my yarn

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Meet my dough

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Meet my sunset and my camp fire area

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Meet my view

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Meet the motherfucking rainbow above my house!

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Regarding my house: I havn´t been showing you too many pictures of it because we havn´t had the time and/or money to cover it in boards yet. You see the rockwool underneath the roof? That´s where all of the small birds and the bats live in the winter time. I don´t mind. I know this is not instagram pretty but something happened this winter, in the solitude, the pissed of old lady buried deep within me.. well, she woke up, like a dragon, she rose from the dead and somehow I just don´t care anymore.
I guess that I once did but I don´t anymore. I stand by who I am. I guess that happened.

I don´t care about the shine- because I have the sun, I have the fire, I have the days and the chores and the yarn and the friends and I know that the ONLY reason why I have all of this (and I truly feel blessed and lucky) is because I bled for it, I cried for it, I died for it. I really did.

It cannot be bought.

(There is some sort of proportionality between the pain and the bliss… the more you have the one the more you have the other, sometimes I can´t stand the extremity of this life)

(and sometimes I think this happiness and content is disgusting, it upsets me, the banality of it, the knowing that “this too shall pass”, sometimes I think accepting the beauty of this life and the forest is the hardest thing at all)

 

24 comments on “The hardest part

  1. (did you notice that dough was SMILING! 😉

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  2. Eumaeus says:

    It may follow from your hypothesis that you did not know what it was to be alive until you are dead, pity that if it is true. Still, we must be careful of the erotic parties… and “if you’re gonna get made, don’t be afraid of what you” are. I’m like fuel on the fire, sister. Gotta get back in the groove.

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    1. I´m not entirely sure I know what you mean though 😉

      (that sign? I got that from my daughter as a birthday present for my 40ieth birthday along with a slutty nurse custume. For realz. Girl has a sense of humour 😉

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      1. smcasson says:

        Sometimes I think that the emotion conveyed is the message, Andrea. Correct me if I’m wrong, E!

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        1. … but it´s true though, I don´t think I actually knew what it felt like to feel alive before I came here. Sad. But true.

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        2. Eumaeus says:

          Women also have the “collective female pain body” to tap into if their individual pain bodies are not substatial enough… or so I’m told. I wouldn’t know too much about it though, my own head is in the sand with my personal pain body sitting on it.

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      2. BeeHappee says:

        HA, too funny, I did not see that sign, good eye, E!!
        I guess I was just staring at the neighbor, what got me is his pants, actually. 🙂 (NOT in erotic party way, people, just like the leather trimmed pants)

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        1. Eumaeus says:

          “Tis not his junk” she thunk with spunk
          “Just a well placed zipper that makes me chipper” she went on to twitter

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          1. smcasson says:

            OH MY GOSH this had me rollin’!
            Seriously funny. Kristina wishes she hadn’t spoken up. 😉

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            1. Ha! What we are experiencing right now might be what we call a “cultural clash” See, I never even noticied the pants!

              The Naver pants are super duper popular in Scandinavia, very hipster. We used to have travelling craftsmen (carpenters) here called “Naver”. As part of their training they would have to walk around the world (our part of it I suppose) and work for different experts to get better at their craft. It´s a whole thing. The Naver would wear a distinct kind of costume/clothes, like a suit but the pants have become mainstream now, everybody wears them: http://www.mckorman.com/shop/naver-bukser-307c1.html 😉

              Love the poem, E

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          2. BeeHappee says:

            Hey hey, watch it now. 🙂 Thank you, genius, can’t stop laughing after scrubbing the crumbs off the floor at 5 am. You should write for Nicki Manaj or something. Or maybe Mr Lasse will now read your poem at the Danish national poetry slam. 🙂

            Collective pain body, I agree with Tolle. As I started searching for some answers, I stopped communicating with some of my best female friends, because it was causing too much drama -or constant redirection back to the pain.
            But, from the positive side, maybe women then can tap into the collective intuition as part of their their collective consciousness. This is the whole other huge topic about male/female disbalance.

            Andrea, thanks for the link to the pants!

            NC, we don’t see rainbows around here much either, I don’t know why, because 20 years ago in Lithuania I used to see rainbows all the time.

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  3. DM says:

    I love when you said this: “something happened this winter, in the solitude, the pissed of old lady buried deep within me.. well, she woke up, like a dragon, she rose from the dead and somehow I just don´t care anymore.
    I guess that I once did but I don´t anymore. I stand by who I am.”

    I am pretty sure I know that state of mind….pure speculation here, but (for me at least) I attribute it to getting older and more comfortable in my skin, more settled w/ life, as I’ve navigated several of life’s heartaches and came out the other side and lived to tell about it, a lot of the “fluff” that our culture/ society values, I see for what it is..monopoly money. Give me nitty gritty, hearty relationships with my family and work that satisfies my soul. DM

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    1. smcasson says:

      Monopoly money baby. Just look around at your nitty gritty work and smile. That’s what I’m doing.
      Great thoughts here.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I think you´re right. I don´t think I mind getting older….

      Liked by 1 person

      1. DM says:

        I just wrote a blog post about this last week (what’s going on inside me as I get older) If you’re interested, let me know, I can give you a link. Breakfast is done..need to go.DM

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  4. BeeHappee says:

    Cute, the dough is smiling, your own little gingerbread man. Watch out for foxes. 🙂
    I will still be arguing with you from my side of the fence (ocean) about “happiness and content being disgusting”. True happiness is so real, nothing about it is disgusting, it just does not last for me, but that is precisely where being content comes in as a little back up friend, then you can just be content with sadness, anger, or winter, or whatever else.
    Thank you for your pictures, they are beautiful, not just your good looking new neighbor, but your house too! 🙂

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    1. It´s not so much that I think it´s disgusting, Bee… it´s just that it´s much harder for me to communicate… well, and actually also much harder for me to believe in happiness than in misery, which- I know- is super fucked up but then again, over the years I´ve noticed that there seems to be a LOT of people feeling like this (as if the self-loathing and the misery are natural emotions and as if happiness is some sort of fake emotion) I find this so strange since the dominant story in our culture is that we are oh so narcisitic and egoistical… I don´t think we are. I think we´re miserable. And the more we are fed fake pictures of instagram bliss the worse we feel. Maybe I think there is some kind of relief in dealing with the pain, you know? (I don´t have finished hypothesis to present, just random thoughts 😉

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      1. BeeHappee says:

        Ok, your explanation makes more sense.

        Well, yes, read those books, by Abrams and Plotkin, it makes a lot of sense – and it demonstrates how western society is messed up from birth up, or before birth you can say. I am not totally sure about Instagram bliss… Maybe we are miserable because we are laughed at if we do not want to put on egoistic coats of self-importance, of always trying to prove something to someone, because when we were kids, we did not receive enough love from enough caretakers and knowing elders to build a healthy ego and knowledge, so as we age, we do not know how to give it back to society, to others, and that makes us miserable. Just thinking out loud…

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        1. Love it when you think out loud…

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      2. smcasson says:

        I think you’re right Andrea. I think most of society is miserable, they just don’t even know to look for the miserable feelings, much less their source, and how to fix it.
        I know I was that way. Now I’m not, but I used to be 🙂

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    2. smcasson says:

      Watch it now, Bee! “Good looking neighbor!” Haha just kiddin w ya.
      I think you’re right about happiness then contentedness. Nicely stated.

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      1. BeeHappee says:

        Just stating the facts, man. 🙂

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  5. smcasson says:

    Andrea, I was thinking “beautiful house!” before I read past that pic. For exactly the reasons you said. 🙂

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  6. ncfarmchick says:

    The only thing more beautiful than the house or the view is that rainbow. Haven’t seen one in a very long time and I’ve been wondering why. There must be something to its presence over your house and your current feelings. Kind of like what a full moon does to your mindset. Have to think on that one a bit.
    And, yes, I noticed the sign and the new neighbor (with his interesting zippers) at almost the same moment. That it is surely a coincidence (unless Andrea is just trying to see if we’re paying attention) makes it even funnier.
    Even though I have read your words for a while now, I know I have no way of fully appreciating all you have been through to arrive to the place you now inhabit – physically, spiritually, all of it. But, the fact that you share your thoughts is something I am most grateful for. Good thing for you I am across the ocean or I might be right there on the sofa with Persille nudging her over for some room. Though, she clearly deserves the crown:)

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