It was the night of the new moon and I woke up without a cause.
I was having a revelation, I was in the midst of a revelation.
Two golden shimmering thoughts in my mind, they were about to materialise and as I looked upon our land, our south bending slope, the lake and the horizon mountains, I watched these two thoughts with my third eye, still shining, I watched them as they materialised.
1. What have you always done? No matter the circumstances, what are the things you do without thinking about it, what are the things you just DO?
– I have always written (diary), it´s a technique of transformation, for me, for me.
– I have always made strange noises with my throat, a kind of song I suppose, whenever I was frightened, happy or needed to connect with the broader reality.
– I have always, no matter where, how, what or with whom, been some sort of facilitator for communities. I create space for people to fill out. I make things happen
2. The reason you feel miserable is simple: it is because you refuse to play your part, do your thing, that, which you have been bestowed.
See, I´ve been on strike the last year, body and mind. “I will not be a freight train!” “I will not carry all of this weight, all of these people!” “I won´t be a facilitator of communities, I want someone to facilitate ME!”
Gimme me. Gimme me.
The shining new moon thought, my family sleeping besides me, slow snow, was this: “I AM a freight train”
I don´t need to resist or go on strike, nothing wrong with being a freight train as long as you do not allow all of the people and all of their tragedies, expectations, sorrows and needs to invade you. These are my boundaries, this is what I expect of you, this is what I will accept, this is what I will not accept, this is my world, this is yours.
One thing I learned is that you cannot just expect people to know about politeness and behaviour in the forest (gift economy, sharing resources, time consumption, energy, the worth of something) because the world they come from is so fundamentally different from this world, all the rules are different and besides most people wanting to escape are in the midst of a crisis, surely they can´t see the forest for all of their problems standing in the way.
I can´t allow myself to feel betrayed or disappointed, even taken advantage of because people just don´t know…. and we were just like them when we got here.
I believe there is a war going on. I fear the invisible enemy, I do.
I wont close my eyes and think happy thoughts, I think it´s real. It is gruesome and real. Things are getting dangerous but hiding under the pillow, refusing to do what is needed, wanting someone to do it for you, someone to help you… is really not the way to deal.
If it needs to be done- do it.
It is kind of like the first rule out here.
So I will.
I will help you.
(If you want me to)
If this was a tangible war there´d be no question, people in risk needs to be able to get out. Routes. A movement of resistance actually doing something.
Jeppe says I can´t invite everybody to my house, he´s right about that, been there, done that, died – but I can do something else.
I can be available. I can spend time and energy helping people. It can be my job, of sorts, you might even call it a cause.
This is not me throwing my seeds on barren ground, this is not me being naive, this is not me letting people exploit me or us: this is me making a choice.
I will help.
If you need help just ask.
So thank you skinny moon, fragile truth, I needed you.
This was my commitment.
We are planning the season (firewood, building materials, barn, animals, re-shaping the garden, sauna, foundation for the new green house, hay, harvest, forage, board the house) I love this period of lists and priorities and kitchen talks. I love the coffee and the hours.
I have good people around me. Good people in the forest. We are doing something good here, with our hands, with our longings, I forget to appreciate it, my mind so clouded for so long.
Next week I go on tour. These are the times and dates and occasions and appearances.
I hope you will come say hello and then we can hug (the fuck out that evil empire)
I will look you in the eyes and tell you that the parallel world exists, I might even make that humming throat noise and then, when I´m not doing the talks I will hide in my car and I will write- because I have created a space here and it´s filled with the most wonderful people, exploring new territory, testing trust, communicating life experiences, sharing perspectives, not that it´s enough, because it´s not, but it´s something.
It truly is.
Lately I have gotten some really strange donation via this blog. I can´t see who the money is from but jeez louise, thank you!
Thanks to all of you invest in this space, you who it create with me, thank you for your comments, your sharing, your struggles and fights. Thank you for the things that you do… the things that you just do.