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Yesterday I moved around the furniture. Then I made a blueberry pie, ate half of it while drinking raspberry leaf thea thinking about what to do with my life.
Raspberry leaf thea stimulates your hormones, estrogen, and since I don´t have a uterus anymore I often drink raspberry thea in a quite solemn state of mind.

We ran out of dried blueberries and raspberry leafs a while ago. The berries and the leafs of yesterday was bought in a store. This season I will forage much more… this season I won´t be paralysed by pain, unable to move because of the slipped discs and the disease in my gut because, see, I´ve been healing myself as of lately, I´ve been healing my self with food.

I´ve gone holistic so you be warned now: food is magical, food contains the energy of where it was grown and how it was handled. Think about the farm factories and the monoculture and the pesticides. Think about the animals caged in, unable to even move. Think about the artificial light in the damp plastic greeneries, the container ships on the ocean, the poor workers picking chocolate or coffee for your pleasure.
There is a system. We might be at the top of it but since everything goes around like a circle, the top equals the bottom, everybody hurts.
Suicide is booming, self loathing has become as apparent as the need to go back to the basics, the fundamentals, the body.

I´ve been thinking…. maybe being human means that you suffer when other humans suffer?
Maybe we are, as a species, not so solitary at all, but bound together, connected. Like ants or mushrooms.
Maybe it makes sense then that we, here at the top, suffer in the mind. We suffer because our priviliges are not real. We suffer because we´re lonely and don´t know what to do. We turn the anger inwards. We were raised to rather blame ourselves than the system. What cruelty!

Blueberries down by the lake. Plenty of them. Enough. I dry them in the sun or above the wood burning stove, I make jam, lots of jam.
Wild forest raspberries east of here, picking the berries, drying the leafs, a whole field of wild forest raspberries. Once there were trees to my east but they took them down, put them on a train and drove them all the way down to Ikea (in india or wherever) now there´s nothing where the trees used to stand. Except for wild raspberries.
Nature takes back territory by raspberry.
Kind of like I take back my body with raspberry leaf thea.
And blueberry pie.


In psychology there is a term called the “fight or flight response
It´s like an instinct, you don´t control it by will. Some say this bodily response stems from a time when we were hunters and gatherers and the world was dangerous (not all like it is now you see not at all like that)
If you perceive a danger your systems are wired to either fight or flight (depending on your perception of yourself). A lot of people suffering from stress are actually (also) suffering from an arousal in their fight or flight response only they don´t feel like they can neither fight or flight they are left in the limbo, all systems on edge, all hormones, all neurons, everything alert.

I´m telling you this because… well, it might not come as a surprise to you that I´m having a midlife crisis, I´m at the end of an era, the beginning of a new. That´s why I move around the furniture all of the time. That´s why I´m eating the other half of the blueberry pie as we speak.

I feel like I should do something. I must somehow reassert my existence, what is my purpose now that the kids have more or less moved away from home and my husband is all right? Also there is the matter of the state of the world (can we agree that climate is changing and the nazi´s are winning, it´s not really a question I just phrased like it was)
Unlike all of my other crisis´s this crisis is not acute though. For the first time in my life I can listen… to my fight or flight response, I can analyze.
Heart pondering.

Did a lot hectic of fighting. Did a lot wild flighting.
I´m older now.

I move around the furniture and think about it. Fight? Or flight?
(new reading nook and yeah we have a tablet)


I have a problem with the withdrawal inherent in a lot of permacultural off grid´ing. I have a problem with how a lot of people seemed to want me to be especially enlightened (and thus more silent) after I went to the woods.
Look to Thoreau, Abbey or the guy from “into the wild”. What they had in common?
They were all outspoken and critical about the current system.

So why is it that we- in our time- want the desert solitaires and the au contraire´s to be buddhist monks?

And then there´s the women.
I read this article about why there seems to not be a lot of female hermits  or wilderness dwellers (there are, I kind of know (of) a lot of them).
The article raised interesting questions about femi nemi wimi nimi ty.
Why we can never be alone, why we can´t go into the wild. There was a time when women could not do these things but we can now, right, we´re equal, right?

I´m not saying that I, as a woman, am suppressed. I´m saying that being outspoken and critical of the system is not only a mens job. I´m also saying that I wont be a nun.

I might be a radical homemaker, I might be into doing what you can with what you have where you are.
I might believe in building fortress´es and families and communities of resilience, I might believe in selfsustainability and growing vegetables…. but it´s not enough.
It´s not enough.

I can´t turn my back to the rest of the system.
I can´t heal myself by healing my gut.

That´s what I´m saying.
(also I still havn´t figured out how to focus but I´m learning, ok, I´m evolving)


It´s a fundamental problem for me and I have been contemplating this for a long time. I have a problem with the way we turn our backs. Yes, the system is sick, like a horse far beyond salvation, I agree and things are only getting worse, much worse, it´s getting dangerous. Surveillance. Social control. Drones. Propaganda.
It´s horrific. We already live in that science fiction dome, white clothes, sterile, smile like you mean it! people dying in the sewers, out of sight.
Maybe the future is already here we just didn´t notice?
Maybe we live in a bubble?

If you lived in a science fiction dome, doors gliding open, a controlled population, a police state, run by a few: wouldn´t gardening in the outskirts seem kind of…. strange?
What a strange phenomenon. Retro farmers. Eating healthy while singing blissful songs about nature?

Fleeing (even in your mind) is quite all right, it´s understandable. You need to go to the outskirts to farm (or forage) before you can do anything else. Eat healthy. Heal yourself. Reconnect with nature. Roots.
But then what?

I´m not the kind that will inspire you and give you hope and tell you that the world is pretty because I don´t think it is. I think there is much grief connected to opening your eyes and I don´t think the new story of the people is a story of individual healing, I think it must be a story of ants and mushrooms.

I thought we could contribute by getting into the mainstream, share some counter intelligence but I don´t think it´s enough. Not anymore. I can do more.
Fight more. Flight more.
Don´t hide.

I know how to beat the disease (it takes time! Drink raspberry leaf thea!), not that I´m cured but I´m better and I´m restless.
What would you like me to do?
Tell me.
We are connected.

68 comments on “The fight or flight response

  1. First of all… Don’t let anyone tell you what to do! Not unless you want to.
    If someone has expectations…. that’s their problem.
    Second… the food. I am sure you’ve heard of paleodiet or LCHF. A big thing in Sweden these days…. And with reason! The crap we eat these days make us sick! Grains and sugar. And I didn’t even begin about additives.
    Grains and sugars make us sick. Your gut? Skip the crap and I am willing to bet a lot on that you will recover. Doesn’t help with slipped discs though. Here we are experiencing that too. When times are lean (financially) we are forced back to the cheap crap; grains, sugars, processed food. Et presto; arthritis is back, hemorrhoids, eczema, the headaches, the overall not-feeling-wellness, bloated bellies and even depression. Yes, that is what carbs can do… Google paleo, LCHF or here in Sweden kostdoktorn. Seriously!!

    We should not turn our backs on society in general, but we need to choose our battles. Change what we can and be realistic about that. If leaving society physically means we can go on doing that, than that is what needs to be done.
    Running away and leaving it all behind, turning your back on it all is a shortsighted “solution”. The world will catch up with you eventually. It is folly trying to do it on your own, by your own.
    We are led to believe that society is all dominant, all controlling, all powerful, all seeing, all knowing, yet more and more glitches are showing. Cracks in this “perfect” cover. The drones are still dominated, but the numbers or cracks (we) are growing.

    I too feel the need to be doing something, but look at us! We already are!!!
    Yet I also feel that something is coming… something big… something ominous…. A foreboding…deep within. Restlessness, even a little anxious. The fight or flight mechanism about to be triggered.

    We are connected, but not like ants or bees. We are individuals, with own minds, thoughts wishes, expectations. They exist but to serve the common good. Yet we are connected. Maybe on an emotional or intuitive level. Maybe that’s why we experience love, pity or mercy, not just for fellow humans, but for our world in general. Maybe through that we are all interconnected…


  2. Joan says:

    What is the value – for society at large – of having a few inspired (or haunted) people going off grid (-ish) to prove to themselves (and possibly others) that it is viable to even consider alternatives in the first place?

    What could possibly be more valuable? Except, maybe, raising children who are truly free, and tryly responsible.

    Your life is valuable to me. I read your blog and feel less alone. How could anyone put a price tag on that? I wouldn’t want to. I’ll try to pay it forward instead. That’s a more proactive economy, in my view.


  3. Your posts say so much to me it’s hard to know where to begin my reply. But one thing that stands out is this: your first person voice sounds a lot like the voice in my head. It’s like you are putting my thoughts on “paper” and I think that’s why your writings are getting noticed more and more. By speaking for yourself (you’ve described yourself as a self absorbed narcissist) you are actually speaking for many of us and we like that.

    Maybe more later. I have chores to do.


    1. I like that you like that 🙂


  4. nicoleaugust says:

    “Fight more. Flight more.”

    From a book I’m studying: “Thinking in terms of twofold oppositions makes it difficult to notice the existence of options other than the two two proposed. ” The Celtic Golden Dawn by John Michael Greer.

    Is there a balance point between Fight and Flight ? What would that look like ? Maybe different for everyone …

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We think in duality because we exist in duality. We, in general, have not transcended our boundaries to become what we really are which is (sorry if this sounds like guru stuff) one with everything. We are “gross” and “separate” in the sense that we don’t (mostly) observe the sublime as defined as existing or operating outside the threshold of consciousness. But sometimes we do and then we know what more is possible.

      In my view there would be no balance point between. That is to say, a middle point, which is how I take what you mean. In my view fight and flight would disappear. It would become a world of choices.


  5. Seeking Joyful Simplicity says:

    Why is there any question that we are connected? How can we not be? The earth seems so large, yet it is really very tiny…what happens to the rainforests below the equator affects the weather for me above the equator…

    There are moments when we feel our connections with each other, we know with certainty the connection is real, our hearts swell with it. But then we lose that consciousness and forget how real it is and believe once again that we are all alone with our thoughts.

    Collective consciousness – studying biology in college I read about simultaneous discoveries by scientists working in isolation continents away from each other – how remarkable! Breaking the “impossible” 4-minute mile barrier – once the first man ran a mile in under four minutes, it became a new reality and many others quickly followed…can we do the impossible? Can we change our current reality?

    Yes, we are connected no matter how far into the wilderness we go. We feel each other’s suffering and think we are having a midlife crisis when in reality we are having a humanity crisis.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. BeeHappee says:

    Fight (anger) or flight (fear) is a negative response to stress. We can develop positive ones as well that is neither fight or flight. (look who is talking, one who has done it all, more than I would want to, trust me) Some claim that you can focus on “tend and befriend” or “rest and digest” versus fight and flight. In any case, those are just terms coined by some on-paycheck scientists as if we understand how human hormones or other body chemicals affect body mind and spirit. . They still claim gestation is 40 weeks longs as if you can measure it, they still do not know how and why birthing starts, why some births are fast and easy while others are had, when physical conditions are virtually same, how mom connects to a baby, why some people have “chemistry” and some do not, and a million other things. .
    I think living like a buddha in the forest does not mean you have to be quiet. Those are not really mutually exclusive?
    Thanks, Andrea, interesting, I needed these thoughts. Yes, I can feel your pain. . I had needles, I had knives cutting in the sterile white rooms to cut out consequences of stress. But that just takes away the symptom, healing takes time. Now just need some of that blueberry pie, I think. 🙂
    Your post sounds Zen already. You can sit in that beautiful reading nook and relax. And keep thinking you are already blessed – you do not have to look at Excel spreadsheets all day. 🙂 Hugs.
    Oh, and I am probably sitting in an Ikea chair made from one of your trees… So there, we are connected!


    1. I beg to differ, Bee.
      Fight or flight is not negative. It is a primeval instinct solely directed at self preservation in a moment of crisis, an immediate threat in the most direct meaning of the word. Nothing negative about that.


      1. BeeHappee says:

        Thanks, Ron, yes, true, in and of itself fight or flight is not negative by nature, in fact, positive in a sense that it will save your life. If you are in the woods and see a bear coming at you, you better be ready to fight, or get the heck out of there. There is no other option. But in today’s world, where the relationship with nature is very small compared to the relationships we have with each other, that becomes more complicated. Also, the stress you may have when meeting a bear is short-lived, but if you have long-term stressors of the modern world, fight and flight response turns into either depression and suicide (flight) or anger and violence (fight). I think. . .

        I mean, if you are teaching your kids how to respond, when they disagree about something, you do not tell them to fight each other or shout over one another or just give up on the issue, but you teach them to breathe, calm down, think, and negotiate, and look for a compromise. That is “rest and digest”. In these social situations fight and flight does not produce positive results or positive feelings.

        I think it is much more natural for men to feel like fight or flight due to the hunter instincts.

        What do you say?


        1. smcasson says:

          More than women you mean? Maybe cave men, knuckledraggers, but not intelligent life.
          I like the “rest and digest”.

          Liked by 1 person

  7. Seekingjoyfulsimplicity: How wonderfully put. Yes. Not a midlife crisis. A humanity crisis. yes.


  8. Such interesting comments here. Thank you everyone. Food for thought!


  9. Dominique Campbell says:

    I recognise your thoughts.
    I do not know what I want you to do.
    If you want suggestions of things to do, mentally pingpong pausing intellectual mindbattels, you could, like me, try artistic challenge – fx little paintbrush taped to a loooong bamboostick or splat wet wet paint ala Pollock ans see where it goes or make collage of the old magazines you found moving in to your present home or battle with big big lump of clay and see where it goes. I keep getting surprised experiencing how it gives me fokus and time off – the process. Challenge is trying to forget the product 😉
    Happy birthday – 40 minus 10 = 30 !!
    Gi min søde – mild og god – fætter kæmpe kram og vise versa til dig fra mig


  10. syberpunk says:

    What i want is to be the creator of my realety .
    To be connected to the force of life .
    I would like humanety evolve in peace .

    Everething that dose not create my connetion to live an humanety is not my realety .
    Even thou i might be part of this war on life – i dont accept that to be my desteny , my final goal or battelfield to die on .

    So i make a chois . I prefer natur before babylon .
    Every babylonian item i use is a pice of the chain that tey my to the beast .

    My fight is to brake the chain , to hide frome the beast and its woreshipers .

    Its not only possible to do – ists nessesery to survive , to be connected to life and human evolution .

    Yhea ist all black and white – i know … the white has all the colours together .
    Why make it complicate when its simple ?

    We know … were borne pure . Were evolved by life .
    Why not lissend to life , trust in life .

    No matter what lie the beast tell us.
    No matter how much soldiers there army has .

    To gain life , you have to be it .

    I just want to be a part off what i know i am and i see forward to meet the others .
    Pioneers of evolution .
    Be real .


    1. Syberpunk….

      (You are) the creator of (your) realety .
      (You are) connected to the force of life .

      And even though your spelling is terrible, your poetry is outstanding! Your terrible spelling somehow even enhances your poetry! I loved it.


      1. Cyper, you have always inspired me, that´s for sure. Thank you. I look so much forward to seeing you again.


        1. syberpunk says:

          Thanks Renee and Andrea for kindness .
          Even thou i might sound all black between the lines – my intension is to keep the spirit high and happy .
          This high and happyness is the protection and has the same value as the material preperness .
          We have to be ready on all levels .
          We have to be abel to control the eavel/ wickedness of the world with our spirit and with our skills of survival .

          In western sociaty we have poor spirit , the conection to each other is fragale .
          The conection and trust to nature is broken .
          We have to mend this things , fix them .

          I dont know how to solve the social problem , i dont know how to trust . I can only let my heart speak .
          The very heart that has being chrashed all over again .

          It still speaks , or wispers about the sorce of eternal force .
          It will allways do and in the end bring me home .

          I dont know where or when . But i do know , i heare the voise.
          We all hear it , if we let the voise speake free in our heart.


  11. Tricia says:

    Restlessness…sometimes I go crazy and fight it, sometimes I succumb to it. Sometimes I’m supposed to fight it and go into a store and yell and scream at the guy at the counter because he lost our winter coats and he actually listens and gives me $, which was good because otherwise we might not have ate too well that month. Other times I sit and spin like a hamster on the wheel to where I’m going to jump out of my skin and realize that sometimes, there isn’t a damn thing I can do, and to just accept my uncomfortableness and be in the moment. Sometimes there’s things you can do, and sometimes there isn’t. If there’s something you can do, and you’re doing it because it feels good, do it. If your restless and you do things out of fear, it could backfire. If you’ve done everything you can for the day, at the time, for the moment, then tell yourself GOOD ENOUGH for now. Sometimes I feel a restlessness that is just me, that involves things I need to change, etc. Other times I feel a restlessness that is beyond me, bigger than me, and changes occur that I had no say in. Listen to the restlessness, but don’t judge it. Accept it and let it speak to you. That’s what I say.
    And the food? The bad food that is destroying our earth, our health, and our souls? I agree, it’s shit. And I still eat it anyway, because I can’t afford 100% organic, because everyone in this house loves sugar, because we were raised in this stupid ass system and it’s like pulling taffy apart to be independent of it. It’s what we know, but it’s not what we want. Give up coffee? Chocolate? I’ll try, and that’s all I can say for now. I’m aware of the evils and I try my best to eat right and support the right people, I try my best to grow it myself, learn new ways, new recipes, etc. But after that, I can’t judge myself, I can’t make it be different. The universe is much bigger than I am, and wiser. It will maintain homeostasis however it needs to, and I will adapt to that the best I can. Until then, if I do happen to eat those evils, I enjoy the shit out of them. I say thank you, I savor it, I am grateful and I try to live heaven on earth anyway.
    And that’s my plan…to live heaven on earth, regardless of the abuse this world puts on children, regardless of the evil fuckers running things and what they are doing to people and the earth. They can fuck up the planet, they can make it hard for me to do exactly as I want, they can make me cry. But they can’t take away the simple things. The sun. I love the sun. They can’t take away the love of my child, or the beautiful sound of her voice. Or the force of nature, that keeps giving and giving no matter how much we take. They can’t take away a lot. We all have those things. So fuck them if they want to make everything shit for more money and control. But I live for those other things, and I will find joy in those things, and joy with life. Why? Because THIS IS WHERE IT’S AT! This is where I want to be and I love it here. Maybe it will do what it’s going to do regardless. I know what I’m going to do….every f’in day girlfriend.


    1. Tricia, keep on ranting, keep on spitting in the face of evil, forever! 🙂


  12. Andrea, I’ve almost got this poem memorized because it’s so strong for me. Here it is for you. I feel like you live this poem.

    God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
    then walks with us silently out of the night.

    These are the words we dimly hear:

    You, sent out beyond your recall,
    go to the limits of your longing.
    Embody me.

    Flare up like a flame
    and make big shadows I can move in.

    Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
    Just keep going. No feeling is final.
    Don’t let yourself lose me.

    Nearby is the country they call life.
    You will know it by its seriousness.

    Give me your hand.

    – Rainer Maria Rilke from Book of Days

    I’ve had people object to the use of the word “terror” or “God” but they don’t bother me. Beauty and terror are the parens at either end of the range. God (to me) is just the inner voice of our connection to creation. Among other things.


    1. smcasson says:

      Oh wow, I really liked
      and make big shadows I can move in
      I really liked the whole poem!


      1. I know. It’s so brilliant. It sums up a lot of things for me.


    2. ncfarmchick says:

      Love every bit of this but the line, “No feeling is final” is an enormous lesson in and of itself. Just think about how much of your life would change if you really understood this concept?


    3. What an amazing poem!
      “you will know it by it´s seriousness”…


  13. Angie says:

    I have just also been having a life crisis of sorts – 30 years old now, my child-bearing years behind me (I have three children- one nearly a teenager – plenty for us – a benefit of beginning young), and feeling that the doors of youth are closed to me personally, forever now….I’m trying to find who I am now.

    I have been reading a book called Tending the Wild, about the California indigenous people, and how they lived and tended the land, making it look as though it were “wilderness” but really was a vast, tended garden, rich with life. I’m so impressed by it, but I am not sure what I can take away that will apply to me in my very different climate, and the world. We only have 40 acres to tend and grow our food on, and it has already been so damaged from agriculture and timber generations ago. Reading that book, you realize the damage. You realize this IS the post-apocalypse, and the joke is that none of us know what we’ve lost forever.

    A few things I think I can work with – know what you really need, only take just enough, and when you take, also make sure to encourage renewal of what you need, spend a lot of time watching how things work in nature, and encourage everything – your family, yourself, the ones you share the earth with – both animals and plants (and spirits) to work towards cooperation, renewal, abundance, and life.

    That’s all I have so far, but it seems like a lot. When I try to think of just what I really actually need feels like something distant and confusing that I can’t quite grasp. What DO we really need? Somethings, like food, obviously. Clothing? Probably. I think how you left everything to go to the forest means that you must have already sorted through that…it’s not so much an expectation that you are a Master of LIfe somehow, but you at least have Experience, or more than I do, anyway. Please keep writing and sharing your words and thoughts. They really do make a difference – at least in my little world.


    1. Angie, your post made me think of why we do this, I remembered. Thank you!


    2. BeeHappee says:

      Great words, Angie – your 3rd paragraph, and thank you for reminding of that book again.


  14. ncfarmchick says:

    Pie makes everything better. I think you’re figuring it all out. Health is a huge factor. It is difficult to know what to think and what to do if you feel like crap. Eat, sleep, listen, breathe, walk, look, feel, heal. Somewhere in there is an answer or a path, at least. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. They help others heal, too, you know.
    BTW, would love to know your pie recipe, if you feel like sharing:) I bet I’m not the only one, either.


    1. Allright then! But maybe I´ll wait until I have my own blueberries. Taste better with blueberries you picked yourself 🙂


      1. ncfarmchick says:

        Absolutely! We have prodigious amounts of wild blackberries and they are just nothing like the tame ones you can buy in the store. That, and the fact that my boys call them “black boobies.” That alone deflates any crisis of humanity I may be experiencing at the time!


  15. Louisa says:

    oh only last night I was having a conversation about how our easy access to the global community is nudging us towards communism; it seems that everyone nowadays can write, takes photograph, make a stand towards ‘individualism’, (no matter how far into the wilderness we live) but essentially we become the same. We have ‘retreated’ – tried to get out of the rat race – yet we stand in ‘our’ woods and shout back at the rest of us. Thoreau did it so why can’t we?

    Yes, women want the wild, but women cannot disappear completely into the wild, we are nurturers, village people, both mothers and sexual creatures at the same time – I watched Metropolis and thought deeply about the role women have in society today. I was sad and then empowered. I have been offline for two weeks and I bought myself a typewriter. It took a while to get used to writing on it – composing everything in my head before committing it to paper, making no edits, leaving myself open to imperfection. I thought I would become wild again.

    We are all caught in this mid-life crisis, longing to detach yet always drawn back, creating a wonderful space in the forest and then spending our time glued to the computer screen. Dystopia beckons and we have little power to resist it.

    what a wonderful wake up call.


    1. ncfarmchick says:

      Your work is flat-out amazing (the little I have seen though I think more viewing will not change that opinion.) Worth a few more minutes of being “stuck to the computer screen.” Thank you!


  16. Sofie says:

    Fight flight or hide.


  17. (I editet this comment for clarification)

    He, I bought a typewriter too and started writing… only to figure out (eventually) that: 1 The computer is a wonderfully smart machine, gets things done smooth and easy, 2) I no longer write like I did when I was a teenager (writing on typewriter), my writing has changed because of the years spendt by this machine. I felt sad about it but then I thought that there´s nothing wrong in evolving, changing, optimizing, yeah, we can reminisce and miss the good old days when things where easier (and were younger) but SOME things have gotten better, easier- there´s a price yes (like how your writing change because you can so easily flip around the sentencences, change the sturcture, delete) but SOME times it´s worth it.
    I think we just have to negotiate with everything anew. What is really necessary? REALLY?

    I think women can disapaer into the wild just as men can. I don´t buy the biological determinism (plus I´m not a people person/village person): we are not our uterus (clearly I have something personal at stake when I say that) on the other hand it is also clear that for a lot of women things change when they no longer have the family to tend to. They become creative, engage in community activism… broaden their horizons?
    It never occured to me that my life was shaped according to this. I never saw my self in that light. I realize now that there is a pattern and that I followed it.

    The female hermits I know don´t have children and seldom engage with the global community at large, they live, still. Just as the male hermits I know (of).
    Maybe it´s a question about personality and so I repeat my question: why is it that we, in our day and age, want the cast aways and the rebels to be solemn, holy and enlightened (flight) instead of stubborn, loud and communicative (fight)?

    What I meant to say is this: I have been healing my self, my wounds and my family as much as I could. I have lived the neoliberal fantasy: taken full charge of my own life. I am left with the feeling that it is not enough.
    Maybe that makes me a communist. Ok. I consider myself an anarchist though and as an anarchist I realize how social structures are needed (and how we are fully capable of organizig ourselves… although admitely it´s a challenge for a lot of modern people), as a wilderness dweller I know how we can´t make it on our own, as a modern woman I feel the need for a movement of resistance, I think this empire is evil, I want to fight!

    Ps. wellcome back, I look forward to following your endeavours!


    1. Louisa says:

      oh, I did not mean to imply that you are glued to the computer screen! nor a communist. This comment was just some inner musing that came out as I replied to your post and because I met this guy yesterday at a party who said some really interesting things about the internet and technology – some deep things which seemed to mirror what I have been working through myself recently. Also I think that because I have been using the typewriter exclusively recently, suddenly coming back online, I have continued to write typewriter ‘style’ – in more of a stream of consciousness kind of way … not editing or necessarily watering down my initial thoughts as they spill out onto the page.

      I totally agree with you, I used to write on this way when I was at school and used pen and paper or a typewriter, and I never realised how my writing has been shaped by the machines I have been using throughout my life. I am not sure if I feel liberated by this discovery or not …

      And yes, the hermit. I don’t know if we DO want our castaways to be flighty rather than fighty, is it just two sides of the same thing ???? What of people like Russell Brand? Have you come across him on UK TV and in movies? I would consider him a fighter, but it wouldn’t surprise me if I hear tomorrow that he has turned into a flighter, I would surmise that he has just given up fighting and turned inward – but the message is still the same : protest.

      I don’t think all this, for me anyway, is necessarily completely about turning to a world of isolation or completely about being an outspoken rebel, it is more subtle than that, I think that is what I meant when I said women belong to the village – we have the power, perhaps even more than men, to seek out this subtleness and make it something that belongs in our everyday life, in our routine, in our prayers, in our musings. We are the hearth stones, the nurturers, the shapers – and I DO believe we are this way because of our uterus, our dark-sensing organ, our grounding space.

      We can wander, yet we are home.

      anyway, sorry for the garbled thinking. I seem to be making my own revelations as I type here, and that is what being part of a discussion like this can reveal. Its wonderful. Long live the computer, long live the internet 😉

      have a lovely day, I hope the sun is shining for you like it is here 😉


  18. I just realized that I want to fight….


  19. I understand. Also my ego stood in the way for listening for what you actually said, lulu so sorry for that. Just came back from a long walk in the woods with kiddo, almost impossible to go anywhere because of the thaw, we sink in deep, funny, the world is kind of inaccesible in these fragile weeks between winter and spring, today we insisted on walking though and it was glorious. It never seizes to amaze how I get this feeling in nature… a feeling of purpose, a feeling of life. As cyperpunk said ” be life”. I think there is much truth in this.
    Anyway, so I got back and decided not to check for comments or your reply because- you know- but of course I checked and I´m glad I did.

    Yeah, I know of Russel Brand, he does good work. There´s just something I can´t figure out. I mean: I think it is a small revolution to live like this, it is meaningful and purposeful, I get sense of walking the talk (I need that sense) and I know that living like this liberates energy and skill that we can use to help someone else. Rings in the water, rings in the water. BUT… It´s the but that worries me.

    I thought about what you said about being nudged towards communism (I think you- or the guy you talked to) is right. There is something about that. Some truth. Also: if people long so much for community it will be easier, at some point, to present them with a fully fledged perfect community (the nation?) where they can demolish their own individualism and become totalitarian (as I said, nazi´s are winning). There is something about that, for sure.
    But there is also something about the fact that hardcore individualism does not WORK in the long run.

    I know a guy, let´s call him a punk, who lived 10 years alone in the woods, in a tipi, totally isolated. He said he became like an animal. It wasn´t “good” nor “bad” it was just a sort of existence. He reached a point where he felt he had a real important choice: to hang on to his humanity (and thus seeking towards others) or to truly become an animal. He said he could have been an animal… but he chose to be a man.

    My experience right now is nowhere near his but we HAVE done a lot of things to try out new ways, new truths (for instance going off line for a year) but I think that we can never escape the world we were born into because it is IN us, it´s in our heads. I´d rather deal with it then. Face the monster- as we have faced all the other monsters.

    That´s what I think.
    And I still don´t believe in biological determinism but let´s be friends anyway! 🙂
    Looking forward to your letters from the woods, it´s a good thing you´re doing, I support you.
    kindest regards

    ps yes the sun was shining, shit, man, I forget… I forget the power of the sun.


    1. BeeHappee says:

      A thaw? Already a thaw? We have deepest freeze in years. . Great lakes here are covered with more ice than any other year. It’s like Elsa spell.

      “why is it that we, in our day and age, want the cast aways and the rebels to be solemn, holy and enlightened (flight) instead of stubborn, loud and communicative (fight)?”

      I still do not see that being “holy” (whatever that is supposed to mean) and loud is mutually exclusive. Or that being enlightened (whatever that is supposed to be) and stubborn and communicative at the same time is not possible. If Buddha was alive today, he would totally be on Face Book and be pretty loud, I can guarantee you. 🙂 It is just what you are loud about – about getting people together or tearing them apart. There is loud that makes music and loud that hurts your ears. There is “glow that illuminates and glare that obscures.”


      1. yeah, thaw, I don´t like it at all!

        You rise a valid point: maybe it´s not mutually exclusive, maybe my perception of this have been shaped too by…. (bad) experiences, maybe I´m not being objective, I just SENSE that it somehow seems to be a value to retreat and be quiet, content… and I don´t think I agree with that value. I´m a fighter by nature and a hunter too (even if I´m a woman). I meant it when I said “do what you can with what you have where you are”, I truly believe this to be the most essential step. But lately I have been asking myself whether or not it´s enough. My fight or flight response is both mentally and physically alert (to some extend) and I know from experience that not dealing with this leads to sickness. It´s not that I choose negativity or anything the like, it´s not like I don´t know how my perceptions of my world shape my world… I am very well aware of all of this things. But I can´t sit on my hands and watch the world falling apart.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. BeeHappee says:

          Andrea, yes, I understand, totally understand, I had this same conversation with a friend years and years ago. Back then I was a fighter clinging to “my way or highway”. Depends how you choose your fights I guess. There is nothing wrong with fighting. If it helps you, then fight. Others bend that stick a bit too much, they bend that stick a bit too far, and it comes back to hit them on the head. Just like for you not fighting can lead to sickness, wrong type of fighting can lead to sickness too. . Need to choose those battles wisely, right?
          Know your enemy and know yourself and you can fight a hundred battles without disaster. ~Sun Tzu


          1. Seeking Joyful Simplicity says:

            “Others bend that stick a bit too much, they bend that stick a bit too far, and it comes back to hit them on the head. Just like for you not fighting can lead to sickness, wrong type of fighting can lead to sickness too…”

            Love that analogy Bee

            Liked by 1 person

          2. Sun Tzu…. I’m liking you more by the day, Bee. 😉


        2. syberpunk says:

          I have the same feeling andrea .
          We have to do things , know and feel them .
          Not allways we ( i) am kapabel of all that in the same time .
          Not allways everything is in place , the right order , state off mind .
          So there is restlesness . Had it all my life .
          So i use it as a force , as a tool to find out more about it , to go on different parts , find new solutions to the challenge.

          I can give upp meanwhile when i come to an end off a road and reorganise myself in a new setup – but i will go on to reach the same achifment , the same goal .

          A life beont babylon and its cultural and politikal war on me very own existance and the creation of all life we are connected to . Comming home .

          There are people like russel brant , graham hancock , mike rupert , terence mc kenna that talk about the war on contionsness , awaking , the inside universe .
          Ther are movements like zeitgeist , transsition and others . We had Greenpeace and eko aktivism since the 70th.
          We had revolutions , profets , filosofs and so on since the beginning off time .
          Its all god – but without the real connection to life , the human solidarety and altruism we wont move from the battelfield .
          Instad we bring it with us were ever we go .

          Sometimes i wonder if all that talking even may have the opposit efekt off what was the point .
          If all that information and fear keeps us from the trak , kills our dreams and misslead our fokus from the nessesary , drains the energi – like a part of the evel masterplan .

          Why argue about the obvius, why try to covince the manipulateted , wake the sleeping .

          We have work to do that need all our atention .
          Ther is no backupp – no babylon to defeed .

          What there is – is a awereness off life to be manifested , to be trusted.

          You can not serve two goods – like the bibel qvotes it .

          No BUT will stand between us and the mission if we truely give our life for it . If we brake all chaines that make us slave to babylon .

          Babylon dont need us – we dont need babylon .
          The deal is allready made .
          We are free to go .

          Free to focus the energi into life – to multiply , to assend in contionsness , humanety and nature .

          The only ones to fool us are we our self – and we do it over and over again untill the day there is no BUT .
          Untill the day we enter our own created realety .
          Untill the day we fell conected to nature and each other .

          As long as we keep upp the barrier , there will be BUT and it will follow as a shaddow – it is the part off us that stands in the way for the light that cast that shaddow .

          Its a reminder and a promise that we are surrounded by life and force .
          A reminder that we are here to bring life , protect and evolve it .

          If we turn to the light – the shaddow is behind .


          1. BeeHappee says:

            Yes, sure some say that all that new age stuff, or just be happy (BeeHappee!) and zen with whatever comes is just another system-babylon-corporation-zionist-whatnot manipulation tool to keep people brainwashed and placid, or wasting time with unnecessary talk or arguments that lead nowhere just consume time, just a different tactic than Hollywood but achieving the same goal – nobody doing really productive things. Sure, you can say that, and you will be right in some cases. . .
            So I am off to learn a skill I can use. ..


        3. “why is it that we, in our day and age, want the cast aways and the rebels to be solemn, holy and enlightened (flight) instead of stubborn, loud and communicative (fight)?”
          People are looking for examples, role models, perhaps even “heroes” to follow. They need those outcasts as a living example to look upon as a reminder for other, better things perhaps. And maybe those outcasts are put on pedestals and are being idolised and polished up, like they have always. Look at all the idols from the past. (The real ones, not those created goof offs on tv these days)

          We need not sit on our hands, but I do believe this world has to fall apart…
          We can not fix it. Should not even try to. It is too far gone, too rotten.
          It has to be raised to the ground and has to be rebuilt from the ashes… Yet we should strive to preserve what is essential so that those who come after us will not fall for the same seductions, the same traps and make the same mistakes. In that case all would be in vain.
          Fight yes. Fight to bring about real change, not to fix. Fight to create a new future, not to maintain or even go back.
          Maybe one should look further than doing what one can with what one has, where one is. Perhaps we need to widen the horizon and find completely new alternatives.


    2. Louisa says:

      ah, shoot, I made a pact with myself today to go online only once a week from now on, but I just had to come and see if you had replied. Yes you have and I am pleased. Oh, I feel that we could be friends whatever our individual views and if we sat over a glass of wine one evening, we would talk into the wee small hours 😉 what a conversation we would have!!

      yes, becoming animal, I have longed for that in the past, but I think there truly IS something more to be done in this life I find myself part of. I am not sure what, maybe that is the whole reason for this journey …..

      the bottom line for me is this – I look at my life, I look at the choices I have been able to make and I understand how they have shaped the way I am, I also understand how the way I am has shaped my choices. I have HAD choices, I have been able to THINK in the way I do openly, without censorship, without reprisal, I have been able to spend every precious day with my children at home in safety, in a country I decided to live in for no other reason than I decided I wanted to live there. Not many people live where I live, I feel isolated, (but not alone) my life is lived in a luxury of the grandest scale, and I am not talking about the luxury of money or stuff, although I have that too. I think of women living in the slums of Bangalore or in refugee camps in oh, Jordan for instance, the fact they have no choice, no voice, no rights, nothing. For them, even communism is a luxury, living as they are amongst the anarchy of anti-nations.

      Hermit or rebel? Work or raise children? internet or typewriter? what luxuries I have! Maybe it is the very fact that I have so many choices that I sometimes feel paralysed by it all.

      Thank you for your lovely support. I feel really very blessed to be here and to be having this conversation with you. There are not many blogs I return to, but yours is one of them, even though it maybe only once in a while. I love it that you think so deeply about things – that is something I relate to A LOT.

      BUT …..

      I am intrigued to know what this BUT is that you are feeling …? I think I have some idea, but can you articulate it any further ?

      and did you see the slender new moon skimming over your horizon this evening? blessed moon, blessed life x x x


      1. Eumaeus says:

        That’s the moon that you wish on, you beautiful thing you. What a precious thing you are? Like one of thos Naiads I think. (Is this cyber-flirting, or what? – Sorry, I can’t resist myself.)


        1. Well, you did choose that incorrigible flirt Errol Flynn for your image. Name and form, name and form. 🙂


  20. una says:

    I am thinking about your thought about connection of humans. Maybe those who are more sensitive suffer in mind.. sensitive to what is going on, sensitive to the food we eat.


  21. ain"t fpr cotu gals says:

    I would like you to just be content …maybe for a year. I sometimes think it is our egos that get in the way.


  22. Eumaeus says:

    Good Lord, after reading all those comments I don’t know what to say. Has anything not been said?

    I’ll just say this: Thoreau didn’t reaarange the furniture. He piled it in a huge pile in the yard and burnt the whole lot of it. Why? Because he hated dusting. What a horrible fucking waste of time dusting all that SHIT you know? ALL THAT SHIT you have to dust and rearrange, all that fucking furniture!! BURN IT ALL. BURN IT ALL so there is nothing left to reaggrange. JUst a writing desk to sit at and inspire and connect us through. — oh, hilarious…. I love all this stuff… Andrea – you are beautiful. Oh, shit – I’m going to merge with the cosimic consiousness so that I become an animal – a fly on the wall – so I can watch and listen in on Lulu and Andreas secret midnight conversations… Oh, what pillow talk would come from you two? Oh, shit. I love it.


    1. BeeHappee says:

      I almost spit out my sandwich into the laptop screen here laughing. 😀 Why not carve all your Robin Hood bows and arrows from that Amish tulip wood furniture, and join forces with the anarchist crew to equalize the world. . . 😀 Unless Soren says no arrows needed. Just “sit back and enjoy” the beautiful pillow talk.
      You people, you beautiful things, save me money on weed, I think. . . 😀

      P.S. For some reason your fly on the wall thing makes me think of the series miniscule my kids like watching. Youtube “miniscule” if you had not seen, they are funny.


  23. SOrEN says:

    Nothing new under the sun! We have seen it all before
    We live were angels Fear to tread
    A black hole is only black course all the light is on the inside, but will we ever find out if we dare not Go there?

    People spend all their time here “shining” on the outside, while feeling black and sticky on the inside. So keep on judging by the cover will get us NO where! Today we kill God and crusify Jesus a thousand times over EVERY day some where on the planet …
    Would you even know them if you meet the on the street?

    The LIGHT is on the inside
    It is TIME
    To turn it ON


    1. syberpunk says:

      A MEN


  24. Søren says:

    B still and
    Turn ON the light
    And see
    The World dissapear
    It was never really here

    Only LIFE on this Planet IS real
    And WE, you and ME, are IT

    Sit back and Enjoy
    this is what you came
    Here for – it is Done
    WE won – cos that is what we are
    Won – One – 1 – and ALL – 0
    1 inside of it all 0


  25. Bill says:

    I can’t tell you what to do, of course. And I’d be suspicious of any claim to have the answer.

    But I can tell you that I recognize my own struggle in what you have written. I’ve been there too. I am there now.

    I felt that my life was increasingly pointless. I wanted someone to just tell me what I should do. I would have preferred some divine epiphany but would have settled for some convincing human wisdom. I never got either clearly and dramatically but maybe I got some of both subtly. I don’t know.

    Like you, I didn’t want to just retreat to some happy place for me as an individual. Believing as you do that all things are connected, I wanted to be part of something good for all.

    I think it’s important to find a way to be part of trying to make things better, rather than being part of making them worse. It seems to me from what you’ve written that you’re already doing that.

    Sharing counter intelligence is good. Drinking raspberry leaf tea is good. Being aware of the Matrix is good.

    It encourages me to read things like this post. We’re neither crazy nor alone.

    There is an old Quaker saying that helps me and my help you: “Way will open.”



    1. Thank you so much Bill, what resonance!


  26. There have been so many high-level responses to this post that there’s no bettering them in any comment I might make!
    Still–a few ol’ chestnuts:
    In the spirit of Quakerism and “way will open,” another practice is to seek and live one’s ministry. Be the change you want to see. despite the moments of self-doubt and rough patches, andrea, it seems this is what you are discovering for yourself: what your ministry is to be.
    Another old saying (Chinese): if you want to travel fast, go alone. If you want to travel far, go together.
    Some of your writing describes the struggle between the alone and the together, and reconciling yourself to your eventual decision.
    I–we all do–create my life, much as I criticize it or disclaim responsibility for some of its features and events. Age old existential problem.
    For myself, I resent the onslaught of commodification of all aspects of life on earth. It turns me into a subversive, because it is so blind to our world and inherently unjust to all its creation. The onslaught seems so powerful and never ending, and i feel so small, merely someone turning more and more passive-aggressive from inability to make the juggernaut alter course.
    May your struggles with yourself empower those who comment here!
    ~ Abigail


    1. Powerful sentence “may your struggles with yourself empower others”… I think it might be like that for everyone of us, I think there might be a point to sharing struggles. Thanks for your thoughtful comment abigail 🙂


  27. Jeppe says:

    Hi 🙂
    Just learned a little while back, that now they are talking about a fight, flight or freeze response. That just made me feel a lot more ‘normal’, since I don’t really fight and I’m way too curious to just flee.
    Don’t know why I had to leave this comment, I just had to, I guess..


    1. ncfarmchick says:

      I’m so glad you did! I know that paralyzed frozen feeling all too well. I just always thought it was an indecisive form of fleeing! For me, it came from perfectionism and being fearful of making the “wrong” choice. No choice seems better than the wrong one when you are that hard on yourself. But, of course, not making a decision IS making a decision. So, as Abigail said, we are all creating our lives one way or another.


    2. Curiosity is good 🙂


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