Yesterday I moved around the furniture. Then I made a blueberry pie, ate half of it while drinking raspberry leaf thea thinking about what to do with my life.
Raspberry leaf thea stimulates your hormones, estrogen, and since I don´t have a uterus anymore I often drink raspberry thea in a quite solemn state of mind.
We ran out of dried blueberries and raspberry leafs a while ago. The berries and the leafs of yesterday was bought in a store. This season I will forage much more… this season I won´t be paralysed by pain, unable to move because of the slipped discs and the disease in my gut because, see, I´ve been healing myself as of lately, I´ve been healing my self with food.
I´ve gone holistic so you be warned now: food is magical, food contains the energy of where it was grown and how it was handled. Think about the farm factories and the monoculture and the pesticides. Think about the animals caged in, unable to even move. Think about the artificial light in the damp plastic greeneries, the container ships on the ocean, the poor workers picking chocolate or coffee for your pleasure.
There is a system. We might be at the top of it but since everything goes around like a circle, the top equals the bottom, everybody hurts.
Suicide is booming, self loathing has become as apparent as the need to go back to the basics, the fundamentals, the body.
I´ve been thinking…. maybe being human means that you suffer when other humans suffer?
Maybe we are, as a species, not so solitary at all, but bound together, connected. Like ants or mushrooms.
Maybe it makes sense then that we, here at the top, suffer in the mind. We suffer because our priviliges are not real. We suffer because we´re lonely and don´t know what to do. We turn the anger inwards. We were raised to rather blame ourselves than the system. What cruelty!
Blueberries down by the lake. Plenty of them. Enough. I dry them in the sun or above the wood burning stove, I make jam, lots of jam.
Wild forest raspberries east of here, picking the berries, drying the leafs, a whole field of wild forest raspberries. Once there were trees to my east but they took them down, put them on a train and drove them all the way down to Ikea (in india or wherever) now there´s nothing where the trees used to stand. Except for wild raspberries.
Nature takes back territory by raspberry.
Kind of like I take back my body with raspberry leaf thea.
And blueberry pie.
In psychology there is a term called the “fight or flight response”
It´s like an instinct, you don´t control it by will. Some say this bodily response stems from a time when we were hunters and gatherers and the world was dangerous (not all like it is now you see not at all like that)
If you perceive a danger your systems are wired to either fight or flight (depending on your perception of yourself). A lot of people suffering from stress are actually (also) suffering from an arousal in their fight or flight response only they don´t feel like they can neither fight or flight they are left in the limbo, all systems on edge, all hormones, all neurons, everything alert.
I´m telling you this because… well, it might not come as a surprise to you that I´m having a midlife crisis, I´m at the end of an era, the beginning of a new. That´s why I move around the furniture all of the time. That´s why I´m eating the other half of the blueberry pie as we speak.
I feel like I should do something. I must somehow reassert my existence, what is my purpose now that the kids have more or less moved away from home and my husband is all right? Also there is the matter of the state of the world (can we agree that climate is changing and the nazi´s are winning, it´s not really a question I just phrased like it was)
Unlike all of my other crisis´s this crisis is not acute though. For the first time in my life I can listen… to my fight or flight response, I can analyze.
Did a lot hectic of fighting. Did a lot wild flighting.
I´m older now.
I move around the furniture and think about it. Fight? Or flight?
(new reading nook and yeah we have a tablet)
I have a problem with the withdrawal inherent in a lot of permacultural off grid´ing. I have a problem with how a lot of people seemed to want me to be especially enlightened (and thus more silent) after I went to the woods.
Look to Thoreau, Abbey or the guy from “into the wild”. What they had in common?
They were all outspoken and critical about the current system.
So why is it that we- in our time- want the desert solitaires and the au contraire´s to be buddhist monks?
And then there´s the women.
I read this article about why there seems to not be a lot of female hermits or wilderness dwellers (there are, I kind of know (of) a lot of them).
The article raised interesting questions about femi nemi wimi nimi ty.
Why we can never be alone, why we can´t go into the wild. There was a time when women could not do these things but we can now, right, we´re equal, right?
I´m not saying that I, as a woman, am suppressed. I´m saying that being outspoken and critical of the system is not only a mens job. I´m also saying that I wont be a nun.
I might be a radical homemaker, I might be into doing what you can with what you have where you are.
I might believe in building fortress´es and families and communities of resilience, I might believe in selfsustainability and growing vegetables…. but it´s not enough.
It´s not enough.
I can´t turn my back to the rest of the system.
I can´t heal myself by healing my gut.
That´s what I´m saying.
(also I still havn´t figured out how to focus but I´m learning, ok, I´m evolving)
It´s a fundamental problem for me and I have been contemplating this for a long time. I have a problem with the way we turn our backs. Yes, the system is sick, like a horse far beyond salvation, I agree and things are only getting worse, much worse, it´s getting dangerous. Surveillance. Social control. Drones. Propaganda.
It´s horrific. We already live in that science fiction dome, white clothes, sterile, smile like you mean it! people dying in the sewers, out of sight.
Maybe the future is already here we just didn´t notice?
Maybe we live in a bubble?
If you lived in a science fiction dome, doors gliding open, a controlled population, a police state, run by a few: wouldn´t gardening in the outskirts seem kind of…. strange?
What a strange phenomenon. Retro farmers. Eating healthy while singing blissful songs about nature?
Fleeing (even in your mind) is quite all right, it´s understandable. You need to go to the outskirts to farm (or forage) before you can do anything else. Eat healthy. Heal yourself. Reconnect with nature. Roots.
But then what?
I´m not the kind that will inspire you and give you hope and tell you that the world is pretty because I don´t think it is. I think there is much grief connected to opening your eyes and I don´t think the new story of the people is a story of individual healing, I think it must be a story of ants and mushrooms.
I thought we could contribute by getting into the mainstream, share some counter intelligence but I don´t think it´s enough. Not anymore. I can do more.
Fight more. Flight more.
I know how to beat the disease (it takes time! Drink raspberry leaf thea!), not that I´m cured but I´m better and I´m restless.
What would you like me to do?
We are connected.