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DSCF0785

 

I told you I don´t like thaw and I don´t.
However some phenomenons related to thaw captures me. The purple mist above the lake last night for instance, it made me think of fairy tales and hidden lands, ancient knowledge plus courage, one should have courage, one should always dare to enter the mist.
And the sunset came in waves.
It was like veils.
A spectacular evening. I spent a great deal of time staring. Staring is good. Especially when you have fish tank eyes.

Cabin fever is getting to him. For me it´s different. I´ve been in solitary confinement forever I guess I cope better, he wants to use his hands and his muscular strength,  I just want to sit here. Stare. Into the mist or the abyss or whatever.
Winter is definitely a time for letting things sink in deep. Winter is definitely a time for regrouping, rethinking, regaining. Winter is motherly comfort and fatherly… something with stern (or the other way around).
It´s a most needed time of year, without it we would go insane, pushing forward, always, fighting. Winter is all about gut feeling… feeling it, listening to it (take your time, eat well)
He´s ready to move on now but I don´t think I am.

This sunday I turn 40. It affects me much more than anticipated.
I think about death a lot. I think “What do I leave behind, what have I accomplished, really and truly?”
The answer is as obvious as it is smothered in banality. What I leave behind, my legacy… it´s the kids.

Everything else have been nothing but small waves on a river that you can never step into twice, a dance of veils. It wont go down in history. It wont matter (on the other hand: who told us that everything should matter, all of the time, that everything should go down in history, be epic! I think this is most disturbing. But I feel it)
I get sad when I think about the time I have wasted, the things I gave my attention and time, my effort, my energy, my life. So much time I spent, pondering about details, trying to find a deeper meaning where there was none, I should have acted on my knowledge YEARS before I did.
Ambition is the worst part of it. Driven by ambition I have lost sight of my course countless times. Lowered myself. Sold myself cheap. Given in to insecurities, surrendered to envy. What a waste of life!
Searching high and low for the cool crowd, some way out of the solitary confinement only to realise, again and again, that the cool crowd does not exist. Sometimes I thought “Well, fuck that, I´m going to be the cool crowd then and if you want something done etcetera etcetera etcetera” other times I just gave up. I´ve given up more times than you can count, more times than I care to mention.

There is much loneliness connected to walking on the forest paths.
Which is why you need winter. You need to Stop! Stare! Realize! (Ice! Ice! Ice!)

We were walking up the car the other day, we had to go to town to gather some supplies. The track is solid and our sledge can carry much weight, it´s good, I felt accomplished.
We were talking about the past. He said something about the hardships we´ve gone through, he said ” You know that we get shit done, don´t you?” and I said “Yes”, then I said something about being stubborn and then we walked in silence for a long while, I was thinking about our miseries and hardship, how much we have gone through, really, you wouldn´t belive it, when I write about our life, the good and the bad, only 10% gets transferred through the letters and the sentences, this is something I struggle with, I want to be better (see poem below)
Walking through the dark woods, kid on sledge, husband towing, thinking about the shit we have gone through, almost 40 years of age…. well.

This is about the meaning of life.
The meaning of life actually matters. It does. Let´s not pretend that it´s ridiculous, funny-  let´s throw away the ironic distance, it´s not like the 90ies where that great ANYWAY.
You want to live a life that matters. You want to transmit the life that was given to you… outwards.
Right?
It´s not like we have time to waste, soon we´ll die.

So yeah. That´s the message.

 

DSCF0761

Woke up to a beautiful sunrise and a warm wooden house. Suddenly remembered this about the past:

I was a single mother in Copenhagen, one room apartment, the twins must have been around 3 at that time. I read a poem, wrote it down, put it in a frame, hung it on a wall, I think it is only now – close to 40- that I really understand:

“We are transmitters of life
as we live, we transmit life
and when we fail to transmit life
life fails to flow through us.

That is part of the mystery of sex. It is a flow onwards.
Sexless people transmit nothing.

And as we work, we can transmit life into our work
life, still more life, rushes into us, to compensate, to be ready
and we ripple with life through the days

Even if it is a woman making an apple dumpling or a man a stool
if life goes into the pudding, good is the pudding
good is the stool
content is the woman, with fresh life rippling into her
content is the man.

Give, and it shall be given unto you
is still the truth about life
but giving life is not so easy
It dosn´t mean handing it out to some mean fool
or letting the living dead eat you up
it means kindling the life-quality where it was not
even if it´s only in the whiteness of a washed pocket-handkerchief”
(d.h.lawrence)

21 comments on “The message

  1. smcasson says:

    Andrea, I’m currently stuck on the side of the road in my broken down truck in the city where nobody checks to see if you need help. I’m reading on my cell phone and this post helps. 🙂 good day to you! (Jeppe will probably still be annoyed not to be able to work outside – the thaw always leaves everything so muddy… it’s such a pain…)

    It’s all good, just a bad ignition coil I think…

    I believe you may have a typo that changes the meaning a lot. A missing ‘f’ in life towards the end of the poem?

    Like

  2. F added! Thank you. And good day to you. And damn, I know how being stuck at the side of the road feels like. Cars! Pfft! Hope everything solves itself. Kindest regards!

    Like

  3. smcasson says:

    Forgot to mention, gorgeous images!! The purple fog is really something…
    I love photography, but I often find myself skipping over pictures here because I savor your words. 🙂

    Like

    1. Thanks a lot. I didn´t edit the colors, didn´t do anything it really looked like that… only 90% better! 🙂

      Like

      1. smcasson says:

        It always looks better in person… 😉

        Like

  4. BeeHappee says:

    Glad you said that Andrea, about the meaning of life. And about ambition. Yes, sounds like we are getting old, a little bit less drama and less ambition. 🙂 You know, there is a saying, In order to be old and Wise you first have to be young and stupid. 🙂 So yes, we may feel sometimes bad about choices we made, things we had not learned earlier as we think we should. . But who is to tell when and how we have to learn or change. You would not be you if it was different. Maybe the time was not wasted. Maybe quite the opposite?

    Scott, hope you get to work ok.

    Like

    1. smcasson says:

      I wasn’t too worried about actually getting to work… But things worked just swimmingly. My wife bailed me out and gave me car service to and from work. On the way from, stopped at a parts store, got my coil, installed it in the parking lot I was stranded in, and had my truck running in 20 mins. 😀
      Aw Yeah…. Drove it home no problems. Thanks for the well wishes, Bee and Andrea.

      Like

  5. You know it probably…
    THE WOODS ARE LOVELY, DARK AND DEEP,
    BUT I HAVE PROMISES TO KEEP, AND MILES TO GO BEFORE I SLEEP
    Words that keep on coming back into my life..ambitions, comforting and challeing

    Like

  6. jasonheppenstall says:

    “I get sad when I think about the time I have wasted, the things I gave my attention and time, my effort, my energy, my life. So much time I spent, pondering about details, trying to find a deeper meaning where there was none, I should have acted on my knowledge YEARS before I did.
    Ambition is the worst part of it. Driven by ambition I have lost sight of my course countless times. Lowered myself. Sold myself cheap. Given in to insecurities, surrendered to envy. What a waste of life!”

    No, that IS life! Everything that has happened in life has contributed to make you who you are now.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. And in a few months you will be in on the big 40+ secret….
    It goes on…. Only you realise that your strength is waning and that you need to use your time more efficiently. Effectively meaning you need to slow down, focus on the important things and use your skills and brain. And cut out all the crap. Life has a meaning….. if you care and dare to give it one! The time until you reach that phase often or mostly a waste? I really beg to differ. That was a path you needed to take to learn the lessons you needed to at that time. That doesn’t mean we can not regret the things we did. It means that we have learned those lessons and remember them and probably even use them in the future.
    “You get shit done”…. That is a big accomplishment. Many out there do not…. They need others for that, for all of it.

    Yes, we leave behind our kids… Our flesh and blood… Our lessons and teachings… In part we become them and they are part us.. So in effect we live on. It is only our own flesh that dies and decays anyway.

    I once read that youth is wasted on the young….
    I’d like to add that much wisdom is wasted on many of the old, but if the old would have youth, they would never reach wisdom and if the young would have wisdom, they might never have the joys of youth..

    Welcome on the other side of 40, dear….. 😉

    Like

    1. I completely agree with Ron. All of it and then especially the last part. “if the old would have youth, they would never reach wisdom and if the young would have wisdom, they might never have the joys of youth.”

      Like

  8. Eumaeus says:

    You exist in your children – yes

    There is nothing wrong with people believing in a “heavenly father” God above, cupping them in HIS hands – even if people believe that this GOD is separate from them – fine – yes

    Go, go, go
    In, in, in
    Out, out, out
    Stop, stop, stop

    You will never hold it
    But it will pour through your fingers

    Like

  9. Nice nice post. It really spoke to me.

    You reminded me of a time when I worked in the city and on my walk from the bus to the office I would pass by an art gallery every day. Looking at the art displayed through the windows I felt like crying. I had so much promise as a young woman and I gave up my art for empty dreams. I thought how good would I have been if I had been doing my art for these 30 years instead of what I’ve been doing? After I stopped crying I then thought well today is the first day of the rest of my life so I’d better learn from this pain and get on with it. So I did.

    Now I am living my life as I always wanted to – and it’s NOT WITHOUT its own version of pain – but it’s my choice! So it’s bearable and necessary. I have purpose. I am so lucky to have lived to see this day. I’m glad I didn’t die while I was still in quiet desperation.

    Thomas Merton was supposed to have said this:

    “Do not depend on the hope of results. You may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results, but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself. You gradually struggle less and less for an idea and more and more for specific people. In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything.”

    So I gave up on moving mountains and feeling like I needed to find the cure for cancer and if I didn’t I was a worthless gray blur. I gave up that self hate. Now I do my work because I have to (it’s necessary to me as a person) and I love my husband and child because I want to. It’s all that matters.

    Like

    1. smcasson says:

      Thumbs up!
      Your work is awesome, by the way. I checked out your blog a couple weeks ago and was seriously impressed.

      Like

      1. Thank you! I have been re-inspired by Ben and Andrea to keep writing #1 what pleases me and #2 to write from the heart. Ben and Andrea are a great inspiration to me. As are the insightful people who comment on these blogs.

        Like

  10. syberpunk says:

    Most off life i wait .
    Like in the play – waiting for godot – by Becket .
    Waiting for something that dose not exist the way i think about it .
    When .i was younger i belived it would happen .
    Now i know i just wait and question all .
    I knew everything i know from the beginning , just that now im more shure about it .
    Not that poeple tell me im right – but more that i have being true to my knowlege .
    As older i get , as more i can live with the solitude off that knowlege , but a part off me will allways wait – not for something , just for the waiting .
    The awerness off time – even if it has no end or beginning .
    I guess its a part off being human .

    But where comes the knowlege from ?
    From time ?
    Waiting for answers ?

    Waiting for something that allrady is –
    Is waiting for something nerver to come .

    We call that life and being human.
    Its a nice vision – for mankind .

    I wait and see .

    Like

  11. BeeHappee says:

    Renee, nice words about results and value. It is all about results in this very corporate-mentality dominated world. . . And ironically, when focus is only on results, it is short lived, and there is no long-term value added in anything.

    Eumaeus, you are starting to look scarier by the minute. : Baba yaga always scared me, I was just telling my daughter that scariest dream I even had as a kid was this crowd of witches waving at me, I can still see that dream vividly, ran to my parents bedroom. Too creepy for a gravatar. . Can you morph into something less creepy? : )

    Syberpunk, this ‘waiting for something that does not exist the way I think about it’ sounds somehow painfully familiar. . .

    Andrea, have an awesome birthday! Go skydiving. And have some cake. Oh, I felt too old last night to go to a dance club with coworkers (plus I had to take care of kids), but my co-worker in her mid 60s did, and boy they say she danced! 🙂 So there. The fun is just beginning my lady. Skål!

    Like

  12. ncfarmchick says:

    I was going to start commenting on everyone’s comments and then realized I would be taking up WAY too much space here. So, collectively, thank you to all who commented above. Wonderful, thoughtful responses.
    On the subject of age, I am reminded of a time when I worked in a long-term care facility (what some may call a “nursing home.”) I took it upon myself to do an informal pole of some of our oldest residents (just out of my own curiosity) and asked them if they had reached an age when they had life all figured out. Every single one of them, without exception, said that they never had life figured out, they just had themselves figured out. I found this very comforting and this idea is echoed in many of the comments above. Youth is for trying things on (attitudes, appearances, ways of being) and, over the years, you refine your choices. You can say, “I’ve tried that and it’s not for me” or “Yeah, that really speaks to my soul. I’m going to explore that more.” And on and on and what results is this rabbit hole adventure of a life and you really cannot get HERE without having gone THERE, as bad, embarrassing, fun or exhilarating as THERE may have been.
    I heard once “Death is dwelling on the past or staying in one place too long.” I take that last part to mean staying stuck in an idea of yourself of who you can be and what you can do with your life. It evolves, we evolve and that’s what this life is about. Another thing I have heard people do is to write a letter to their younger selves as a way of dispensing the advice they can only give in hindsight in the hopes it releases some angst, I suppose. I have never written such a letter but, when I think about my younger self, I feel so much compassion for her but, strangely, don’t feel an overwhelming desire to advise or warn. I would go back and give myself a big hug, though, and say “It’s going to be worse than you can imagine and it’s going to be better than you can imagine and all of that is as it should be.”
    Thanks for the beautiful words and images. A gift to us when it is you having the birthday! Hope it is as special as you are. Peace!

    Like

    1. smcasson says:

      Nice one! Cool idea to do that poll. I bet the residents appreciated being appreciated! haha

      Like

  13. ncfarmchick says:

    That would be “poll” at the beginning of my comment. Teach me to read it more thoroughly before I hit “post!”

    Like

    1. BeeHappee says:

      Great ideas! I am amazed they said they figured themselves out. That is a bit comforting. 🙂 as far as letter goes, interesting, I kind of started a few different thing like that, but it went nowhere, I think it just proved to me that I really do not need to write it, but it can be helpful to some. Worth experimenting.
      I just finished reading Deal, a guide to radical and complete forgiveness, and it is really helpful to go through forgiveness exercises especially when it comes to forgiving yourself. It just make you smile at all thing you have done or have not done.

      Like

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