This is the way out of here
So yeah. We´re snowed in.
I put the kid to work. His job is to weigh the sledge down
and to shovel snow with his boots “kick it, kick it” I yell as I stand on the back of the sledge and use my right leg to push it forward, his little feet go up and down like engines and when he can´t be bothered anymore he just throws himself forwards, into the softness of the snow and he laughs.
This is how we make a track.
Next week we´ll meet the neighbour at the crossing and we can go vegetables and gasoline shopping.
Lots of forest people snowed in and there they sit, in their little cabins, with their headlamps or candlelights, nobody really cares about it. It´s not like we die. And besides: it comes with the territory.
If we had short wave radios we would use them but we don´t, we have the internet and we coordinate time and place for our meeting on the world wide web of globalisation which really IS awkward given the fact that the world is so small and local.
When you´re snowed in.
In this small and local world I ponder about imprint and time.
The old had a notion of hamingja. Hamingja is kind of like karma, it is a measurement of your luck and happiness. Some of it is given to you upon birth- the rest is your own responsibility. To shape. To control.
The notion of hamingja has to do with destiny.
Destiny in old norse mythology/the worldview of the pre-Christian Scandinavians was not unchangeable or placed in merely in the hands of gods, destiny, to the old, was 1) kind of like a hand of cards, what you do with it is your own responsibility 2) a real actual “thing” (hamingja) that you leave behind for your kin. If you fuck up it will affect the hamingja of your children. And their children. If you do good you add to the Hamingja of your lineage.
I think about Hamingja because this year represents a lot of turning points in my immediate family.
Tomorrow Silas turns 15. In february I turn 40. In april Sigurd will celebrate his 5th birthday, in may the twins turn 20 and in juli Jeppe turns 40 too. Together we have occupied 120 years in infinite time and space.
I walk in pristine snow as I have done all of my life. No footsteps to follow, no tracks. Snowed in, within myself.
I did a lot of bad deeds. I really did. I have had a hard time forgiving myself for my stupidity but now that I think about it other people fucked up too, it´s not all on me, at least I do take responsibility, regret, sorrow for the things I have done…. as opposed to others and hello, here we go, good day to you strange new pissed off old lady anger!
What I meant to say is: Hamingja.
How have I affected the luck of my immediate kin, what have I given, what have I taken?
I ponder about that. Imprint. Time.
I try to estimate our hamingja but I can´t. Sometimes we´re the lucky ones. Sometimes we´re the sorrowful ones.
I don´t know… but I can´t believe that I have kids (soon) aged 5,15,20.
I can´t believe I really did that.
And I can´t believe they are not here with me. I don´t care what people say there is sorrow and loss connected to the fact that your kids fly off like eagles or ravens or cranes.
I´m here… stuck with the whites ghosts of my ancestors
Whom we dance with
And then we go play at the playground