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On new years eve every person present melts some tin in a spoon and then throw the tin in a bucket of water. The tin will take on different shapes and forms and the collective mind is then to read the figure as an omen of sorts about the coming year.
This is an old Finnish tradition, a stubborn quiet and beautiful Finn taught us how to do it the first winter we lived here, he got a broken heart that year, this is what I got this year:

 

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I think it looks like a wing from one side and as dead leaf from the other.
Meaning: this year some things will fly- and this year some things will slowly whiter but that’s all right, it’s the circle of life. All of it. To fly. To fall. To launch. To let go.
I’m going to need the strength from an extra wing. This year.
I’m going to let lousy defence mechanism die. This year.

I spend these days moving furniture, cooking broth from the roast we ate on new years eve. I spend these days making plans with my husband, having intense conversations with my son, staring at sunrises and sunsets, slowly I prepare. I know the work I have to do. I know exactly what I need to do.

You leave the loop and enter bush school, you think everything is about the practical but really it isn’t, it’s about the emotional and you go through stages.
1. Intense. Wild. Exiting. 2. The hard long road. Loosing heart. Hope. Extreme internal disintegration. Hurt. 3. A new beginning. Wiser. You integrate that which you now know into action. Change.

It’s just like in the fairy tales. Maybe it’s a human blue print: You leave your home. You wander in the wild (fight some dragons or witches). You go back home. Different. Initiated.
You are now relieved. You are now stronger. You now own a treasure.

I’m pissed that (some) people wanted me to be wiser and holier than thou just from the beginning. As if the very act of leaving society would be an instant fix. It’s not. And there are no instant fixes.
I’m pissed that you can’t leave society. Society is in your knee jerk reactions, society is in your values, in your head. The option that remains: negotiation. I’m pissed that I had to go through all of that moral scruples because I was a WOMAN. Because I shared. Public. Insisting on my story. Would have been better if I were a poet prince with a hipster beard but I’m not.
These are the things I will leave behind. Or maybe they are the things I will elaborate upon.

I’m grateful that the parallel world exists. I’m grateful that we made it. I’m grateful that the world tribe is emerging.
Maybe this will give me strength. Maybe I’ll just nod at it and move on.

I don’t believe in black and white, good and evil, I don’t because the warriors I’ ve met, the dragons and the witches were not good or evil per se. None of them. None of it. The golden law is pragmatism. Always pragmatism. What works and what doesn’t work. What gets the work done. What keeps you speculating and apathetic in your hell hole of doubt? What moves you?

This blog entry has no point. I’m not going to arrive at some point that will tie everything up nicely.

This blog is both my own private inwards diary and my public face outwards, this blog is both process and product. I love it because it is the free space that I need. I hate it because it obliges me (to finish this sentence…) With this blog I insist. With this blog I give up.
Blabber. Blabber. Blabber.
Isn’t it funny how blabber and determination can coexist? Side by side?

Maybe that’s some kind of advice for you. Right there. Maybe it’s a point.

 

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13 comments on “Blabber

  1. BeeHappee says:

    Thank you so much, Andrea. Beautiful and helpful thoughts, as usual.
    “The golden law is pragmatism. Always pragmatism. What works and what doesn’t work. What gets the work done. What keeps you speculating and apathetic in your hell hole of doubt? What moves you?” 🙂 What gets you unstuck. .
    Yes, society. Just finished watching a documentary on Mongolian horse racers, and the wise said, they believe horses and people have same in common, need to be in herds.
    So let your wind horse be free and grow that second wing. If we think we got it figured out, it all changes, that much is certain.

    Like

  2. BeeHappee says:

    Andrea, I had been reading some Khalil Gibran writings (and not a poet prince with a hipster beard), and his poetry is just so beautiful and moving. . .
    “When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
    “But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”
    “Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children.”
    Peace and love to you.

    Like

  3. Jeg synes det ligner en dejlig kraftfuld bølge….sådan en man surfer på, og får fart på….jeg har aldrig prøvet at surfe, men tænker der er en dejlig følelese af frihed…..vinger, så kan du flyve, og bølgen den kan du også nærmest flyve på. jeg tror du og din familie får et fantastisk år.
    jeg håber i gør, og sender gode vinde afsted til jer med godt nytår 🙂 og tak for alle de fine mails der landende i min mailbox i 2014. kh. A.

    Like

    1. Åh, det har du ret i faktisk. En bølge! Dejlig tolkning. Og selvtak!

      Like

  4. Tom Miller says:

    Second picture = grumpy rhino

    Like

    1. Haha! So true! I have an exboyfriend who called himself a grumpy rhino!

      Like

  5. Hildegardista says:

    Wishing you and your loved ones a Happy Continuation and more of that blabber.

    Like

  6. Scott says:

    Really cool new year’s tradition! I like it a lot. I really enjoy hearing about the traditions kept in your part of the world.
    Around here, folks shoot guns in the air at midnight new years. Real introspective, great. (sarcasm) Sigh…

    Like

    1. BeeHappee says:

      Scott, there were tons of these superstitious customs in the old days. As people always tried to understand and probably affect their fate, most holidays involved some type of magic customs like that. I am too lazy to list them all now, but in Lithuania we had tons that we used to to on Christmas. They would basically “tell” you if you were to have a good year, how long you would live, who would get married, who would get rich, etc. . Of course, everyone would take those predictions with a grain of salt, but had fun playing along. Here is a super long but great page talking about various European country traditions, can save for your kids: http://cdt.europa.eu/EN/news/Pages/Christmas-traditions.aspx
      Humans have hard time dealing with uncertainty. It is my belief that we try escape the uncertainty of the future by either doing superstitious predictions like the one Andrea describes above, or do other things, e.g. some people will even develop what we call OCD symptoms, repeating certain things number of times, because they believe that will somehow change their future and they will have control over it. Coming to realization that we cannot or should not control it is difficult.

      Like

      1. Scott says:

        Thanks for the link. I’ll check it at home.
        You’re right, realizing the lack of control is difficult. I try to keep in mind that everything is surmountable. Some days will be more “interesting” than others, but that’s all they are – interesting. The wood furnace outside breaks when it’s dark, temperature in the teens (F), and wind howling. Yup, that sure makes an evening/night interesting (possibly for me, possibly last night) But! Got that problem conquered, and I didn’t get bored last night! (boredom is really never a worry though…)

        My mantra (or one of them) for a long time has been “F*** It”. As in, if it ain’t somethin you can do something about, quit worrying about it and move on to more productive things. Sit and think of a solution, then implement it.

        (You can add, “Lets go bowl.” to the end of it if you like!!)

        Liked by 1 person

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