Disclaimer/Warning: This post will contain swearing and cursing and some anger too. If you are particularly sensitive or do not respond well to melt downs on the internet you might want to skip this episode of my yule calendar. This is written by a pissed off grumpy old lady in the forest so be warned.
Our generator broke. We have two. They’ re both broken. Solarpanel working wonders but the sun sets at 3 and our battery bank is broken too. I don’t have a lot of power on the computer, this post will auto publish tomorrow. Jeppe is not at home. I forgot our telephone somewhere in Denmark. It’s just me and Sigurd now. And the dark.
The dog is pacing back and forth between the windows barking at something out there.
It never seizes to amaze me the systems we are bound to. If we don’t run the generator (which we do too much because the battery bank is old, worn and dead) we depend on candlelight. Candles don’t grow naturally here. I COULD make candles with pig fat or something, it’s possible, it’s not like people lived in darkness in the old days. Oh. Hey. Wait. They did!
But not us.
None of us live in darkness anymore but maybe we should because then this happened:
So the child and me sit in the chair and look out the window. We watch darkness fall. Watch darkness spread. Watch darkness eat. Watch darkness crawl. Watch darkness oozing. And then it dawned on me. It dawned on me in the dark. I realise now why I hate christmas so much.
I had a revelation in the dark. I had a vision.
“Be happy be happy!”
Happiness have been demanded of me since I was one day old. Don’t cry. Later: don’t be angry. Never.
Be happy, be happy, look at all this food, all of these toys, are you not happy? No? well then think about all the poor children in Africa, they would be happy, for sure. And then you feel like shit because you’re not happy. Not being happy is definitely on you. Somethings wrong with you. Feeling happy was your ONLY job. And you failed miserably.
Could it be so that the more resilient amongst us developed this darkness in the heart because it was the one possible protest?
The only protest we could muster?
“I refuse to be happy so fuck you and now watch me self-destruct!”
How’s that for a movement of resistance!
Stress. Could that be the body resigning from these insane demands that we have to be fully happy, whole and content all of the time?
This is the reason I really fucking hate christmas. Christmas reminds me that I am required to be happy, slave bound to a whole system of happiness.
Choirs of happy shining people yelling at me “Be happy! Be happy!” Every billboard, every single corner of public space is infested with notions of happiness… even here, out in the wild, in the darkness because all of that is in my head now, I was raised in it. It doesn’t rub of easily.
And those who refuse to be happy are hidden away or requested to swallow the happiness pill.
How can you tell me this is not science fiction?!
And now that I’m pissed I might as well give it to the cultures of resistance too, occupy love and going green, all of the overly happy *insert subculture* screaming at me that I have to live in the NOW. Love. Bliss. This moment. This.
And if I’m not “feeling it” then I clearly gotta work more on my “self” (whatever the fuck that is) because I’m not vibrating on the same levels as them or something, apparent to everyone that the level you need to vibrate on is something having to do with heart, heart, heart, heart, heart, stars, love, shining love, all is one. NO! I’m not one! I’m a million people at once and I won’t be happy because this incredible omnipotent demand to be happy…. makes me angry.
Yeah that’s right.
I fucking hate love!
Saint Lucias night have been consider dangerous through the times because light and darkness is even now and the gates between this world and the other wide open. These are delicate, fragile times but I’m here to tell you that I’ ve been into the darkness and it’s not evil at all and I don’t think we should fear it just so much.
See, I found the most beautiful thing in there. In the dark.
The first thing I realised in the darkness has to do with evil.
I realised what is truly evil to me. It’s not the supernatural creatures.
It’s evil when people fuck up my sense of reality denying my rights to my own perceptions. It’s evil when my emotional life is demoslihed: What is right, what is wrong, what is happiness, what is depression, what is light, what is dark. Don’t tell me. These are MY emotions to touch and feel. And to share. If I bloody well feel like I want to.
Be not my tyrant. Be my fellow man.
I feel as I do and there’s nothing wrong with me because of it. I don’t have to feel any different. For whom sake should I?
Here’s the thing: I don’t want to be happy. I don’t want to surrender to love.
I left for the woods because I was fed up with people telling me to feel happy. To my extreme discomfort I realised that now that I live in the woods (a whole, joyful life in pact with nature) I am even more demanded to be happy. More happy. Even more happy. At least a whole lot more happy than the sorry suits working for system.
Well you work for the system too if you tell me what I’m supposed to feel! If you feel that happiness is the only reasonable answer or solution, the only accepted goal.
I refuse. It’s not. Life is not like that.
I won’t comply.
Noone tells me how and when to feel happy. I OWN my own happiness and there’s fucking nothing wrong with if I’m not fucking exhilarated all of the time.
The second thing I realised in the darkness has to do with love and light.
I love that child. My love for that child is a shining amber stone. My love for that child will never be reduced to oversimplified notions of happiness. My love for that child is much bigger than cultural concepts of happiness. This is eternal. This is all.
My love and my light, my happiness fulfilled.
In the dark.
I found my happiness. It is truly mine – not someone else’s. It belongs to me. It has it’s roots in this very house.
I share my happiness with you as a prayer.