When you live in a log cabin you built yourself in the middle of deep forest there are certain things that set your life apart from other peoples life and by this I mean SPECIFICALLY: all you see is up to you, it´s your own work, it´s your own responsibility.
Example: You travel away for a while because you need money for new glasses and what have you NOT. Besides you might feel like you have a mission or something, a responsibility to the human community (but not the current model of society which is seriously two different things). But then, when you get back your home will be cold.
And I´m not talking “chilly”. I´m talking deep frozen- because when you live in the wild you have, among other things, turned your back to thermostats and central heating.
It takes an hour. At least. Full turbo on all three of the wood stoves. Cover the kids in blankets and place him between the furs.
And then you divide the chores between you, you have to, one person can´t handle everything alone.
He checks the outside of the house and the animals (which our neighbour have been taking care of) while I lit a hundred candlelights and take care of the food, checking how much chocolate the mouse has eaten while we were gone (that mouse!)
We slept under the extra thick blanket. I bought it 20 years ago in a second-hand shop and never knew it´s secret: it´s made of some kind of magical wool. There´s noone but you in that deep dark forest, there´s nothing to depend upon beside yourself and your teamwork so then you get to understand it. Teamwork.
And the importance of routine. And the importance of having done it before.
So here I am, drinking my holy cup of holy morning coffee, following the small birds in the top of the birch trees with my eyes, listening to the sound of… nothing, which is really nothing at all, the silence is loaded with sounds you ear just has to awaken because it´s been numbed by the sounds of sirens. The many colours of pink as the sun slowly rise between the trees. The cats watching the birds. The fact that the hens are completely quit right now can only mean one thing: there´s an eagle circling the premises. If your ear wasn’t so numbed you would have been able to hear the beating wings.
Someone (Ben Hewitt, I adore him) asked me about despair. What kind of role it has played in our lives.
There has been a lot of despair. We would´t be here if it wasn’t for despair, recognising despair, acknowledging it and finally acting upon it is the whole reason while we fled to the forest.
And in the forest itself there has been a lot of despair. A lot of death.
This is why I haven’t written a lot about the glory and the grace, the wholeness, the pretty, the absolute overwhelming LOVE.
I believe despair plays an important role for us humans. I think it makes us act. React. Fight.
This is not saying that I don´t appreciate the glory and the grace, off course I do, the overwhelming love and the all encompassing peace… these emotions are equally important, but you can´t close your eyes and pretend sorrow, fear and despair is not there, you cannot jump to conclusion or skip parts of the road…. you can´t just sit there and be holy and insist that life is all beautiful when life is not. This is not the nature of life. This is not the nature of the forest anyways.
It´s brutally beautiful.
And that´s just like my opinion man.
I´m thinking about all of this on this very morning with the small birds and trees and the sun and thunder boy playing with lego and fire burning and all of the work we have to do in a little while, when I´m finished drinking this holy coffee.
I´m making rye bread and cookies and candied ginger today and I´m so utterly completely absolutely totally awesomely surrounded by glory and grace, the world is made out of love this morning and I´m finally home.
I wouldn’t be here though if I had not taken the long, dark, hard path going into unknown territory and past super dangerous wild animals.
No pictures today but at least this post IS about yule. How I see yule anyways. A celebration of love and glory and grace (and teamwork) but also a very delicate time, a thoughtful time, where you need to reflect upon your life in it´s totality.
Maybe that’s why christmas always made me so depressed before. Like we tried to force-fed ourselves with a very narrow vision of love.
I don´t want to do that anymore.