Woke up to the white world, a thin layer of crispy frost, first time this year.
The thing about the cold is that it makes everything CLEAR. You want the cold because of this. Clear open night sky, so many stars, clear open day sky, sunshine and here we go with the pretty again.
Higher temperatures means mist,fog,rain, that´s why you want the cold, I told you, you want it because there are no boundaries or obstacles now between you and infinite space. All clear.
I´m very Scandinavian like that.
So here I am drinking my morning coffee looking at the tree that fell down over Victorias house during the storm the other day, looking at the giant fire in the fireplace, looking at the maple tree on which the sun always shine. I am overflowing with words. I am inspired. I thought I lost the words, the drive and the desire, seems that I didn´t OH! Right now I realise something. It´s regarding my next book. OH! It all makes sense now! I know how to proceed!
(I´m looking at the drops hanging from the branches of the birch trees now, they glisten in the morning sun)
Let me tell you what the trouble was. Sebastian and Victoria moved away from home. Sebastian now studies and drink beer in Copenhagen, Victoria has become a trusted sailor at this fine company in Holland. Sebastian wants to come back and live at Svensäter for a winter, the place nobody can live through winter, he wants to prove that he can. Victoria carry the wilderness and the wolves with her in the heart. They are both such fine young human beings, I´m so proud of them and of the things they carry with them out into the world.
It still hurts though. To see them leave.
And then there is Silas.
Silas has decided to live with his father in Denmark for a while. I respect and understand his choice. There is something here that he needs to do, something to solve, he´s not running away from it, he´s facing it, 14 years old he is brave enough to do what he needs to do. I think this really proves that I succeeded in raising him well.
I´m proud of him.
It still hurts though. It really hurts. To see them all leave.
I became a mother when I had just turned 20 (twins). I´ve been a mother of small children for most of my life (I´m turning 40 next year)
Within 6 months this happened: I lost control over my body (the back pain issue), I lost control over my womanhood (who the fuck am I when I don´t have my kids near me?), I lost control over my story (exposure fucks everybody up), I lost control over my wilderness life (I could´t work as I used to) and I lost control over my purpose (what is it?)
There was a lot of loss.
And a lot of quiet. And the kid off course. I hug him much.
In the midst of all of this loss, in the midst of me not having control- at all- in the midst of it… something new came to be.
I have a purpose. I have a role. I have a voice. I have a mission. I have love. I have beauty. I have a closely knit family, I have trust, I have story, I have children, still, it´s just everything suddenly changed.
Stay on your feet because the world is changing and so are you.
I´m going to blog again, I´m going to write that book, I´m going to get better at taking pictures, I´m going to organise all of our stuff on shelfs, I´m going to bake a thousand cakes, I´m going to drink coffee with all of the newcomers in this area, I´m going to knit shawls and shoulder warmers, I´m going to walk the dog, I´m going to ferment vegetables and carve wood.
I found the words.
They came to me.
Like little black birds, tit, raven, hen mother, wood pecker.
Like stars on the night sky raining down on me. Like sun rays on frost.
This post is for Henning. Game on!