search instagram arrow-down

Join 921 other followers

Follow Andrea Hejlskov on

Support my work

You can support my general work via Patreon
and I hope you do, will.

“Maybe I could build you some kind of mechanical device that you could use to hold me ten feet away from you at all times. I can attach some floppy arms to it and then we can pretend to hug?”

That´s his way of dealing with the relationship issue.

The other day he said
“Can these problems not be solved by shelf space?”
Actually it could. Because for years now we´ve been in survival mode. People don´t get it when I talk about it. We lived in rain and mud. Frozen fingers. My oven was built out of sand. Dinner was made over open fire. We lived way, way, way, way,way,way,way,way below the poverty line. We insulated our beds with spruce branches. We stored our clothes in black plastic bags. On the starry, starry nights it was more beautiful and whole than words can convey. Some nights our life was a poster from the 80ies complete with howling wolves, snow-covered mountains and indian feathers it really was, but most of the time it was everyday and our everyday was… survival. Psychically and emotionally.
How to get the family to work as a teamwork where everyone is needed. How to understand yourself and your life when everything is new and changed, all of the rules, all of the things you take for granted.
How to build log cabins. How to wash clothes in the river. How to find food in the woods. How to butcher hens and goats. How to… make time for love making, how to deal with the relationship issue?

I write this in the privacy of my home.
There is a warm fire rumbling from the stove. The dog is sleeping peacefully in front of it. It´s been really stormy for the last couple of days, and dark, but today it was so beautiful and sunny and warm and welcome. The kid is playing some game. The man is making dinner. There are things I don´t tell you about this home, clearly there is, some latest developments for instance that I haven´t found the words for yet, but generally you get the picture and this is the picture:


and this that I took today

We have spent this day building shelf space.
Shelves for storage of food, shelves for candlelights and matches and gas (we have a small gas burner primarily to make coffee real quickly in the morning), shelves for winter clothes, socks, warm underwear, extra blankets, boots and his bass, summer clothes, clean empty jars waiting to be filled anew, flour, sugar, salt and spices.
It helps.
My relationships issues are closely linked to the fact that we have been in survival-mode for so long and I´m tired, my body is exhausted, I´m used, burned out and everything that happened with the book, all of the people and all of their opinions, these things don´t pass me by lightly, I THINK, I FEEL, I WANT to stay… honest. True. Real. This is the whole point of my initial battle, this is what I fight for, jesus man, this MATTERS!

He built me the shelves and the storage so that I can have some kind of feeling of control. Which is needed because I lost it.
He also made a drain to the sink (a blue plastic hose) so that I don´t have to call on him to empty the bucket under the sink (my back still hurts, I have to listen to it, I can´t work as I used to). Not to forget the super deluxe ultra mega compost toilet so I don´t have to pee in the bushes anymore. It´s nice of him. Don´t you think?

So we were in the car and I was crying and I was yelling (this is a lie, I was super quiet and tense and then he asked me what was wrong)
“I can´t be dependent on you! Living like this requires of me to be dependent on you!” and then we were both quiet and tense for some hours until two minutes ago where he said the thing about the hug-machine and I laughed.
He´d been fetching firewood down by the tipi, he was all sweaty and then he continued “I ´ve been thinking. Maybe you need to get to a point where you accept that you are dependent on me. It seems to me that a lot of the “relationship issues” are rooted in this. We both want to be totally independent and free but maybe we can´t be. Maybe we need each other?”

I´m thinking that maybe this “relationship issue” could be kind of global.

8 comments on “The relationship issue

  1. When you step away from the dependancy of civilization and cities, then you immediately become more dependant on the people closest to you… It is such a more nobler and truer life to be dependant on those that you love than to be dependant on industry and the illusion of individual independance.


  2. Tres Jolie says:

    I feel you’re on to something, that you have a good man and that you are going to make it. Your self inspection is deep and strong. It and your desire for truth will see you through. You are amazing! Please don’t feel as though you need to respond. I know you got this. It’s OK.


  3. Independency is an illusion.


  4. Well my dear, independence is overrated. I have been independent, (for 4 years after my husband died) working, raising children and basically just surviving. I met a good man and we became friends and eventually married. We are on our 33rd year now. Our children are gone and married. We have 3 children, 9 grandchildren and 5 great-grandchildren. Have we had troubles, of course. Every marriage has them and if the say they haven’t, then they are newlyweds or they are lying. Sweetheart, you have written a book! That is a great accomplishment! That took a great deal of work, planning and the travel. Don’t let anyone tell you it is not. Let the comments roll off you like water off a duck’s back.

    Hmmm….I’m thinking you two need a date night. Feed the little one and put him to bed. Plan a later time for the two of you to have a quiet supper together (maybe candlelight and some flowers or something nice on the table, maybe put on something nice) soft music playing in the background, and enjoying just being together. You could go for a walk after, play a board game, or just visit. One rule is you must say “I love you” at least once and this is for both of you. Make the atmosphere romantic. Plan to do this at least once a week. Bring the look of love back into both your eyes for each other.

    In the native spirituality, men and women are equal. They have different jobs but one is not more important than the other.
    Look around and see how far you’ve come. Canning, meat for the table, the cabin built by your own hands and sweat. Growing a garden and preserving food for the winter. You husband is very proud of you! And you sound proud of your husband. You have chosen a difficult journey but you are doing it! You have survived and even progressed! Take pride in all your accomplishments.

    Hmmm….I have a thought for you; when you were travelling, did you see how the other side lives and it was comfortable? Did you wish for a house with all the amenities and think why am I doing this? Have you been married long enough that you barely remember why you and your husband decided to move to the country? Sometimes we see the comfort other people have that we don’t and feel a little envious. It is human nature. Inside yourself, change your attitude. Every morning say, “I am happy to be alive and healthy. I love my husband and my life here.” and do this with a smile and feel it inside of yourself. I remember the hard times but I occasionally I get a little envious of what others have and can do. We do not have the money for this. My husband is too old to work and I am disabled and cannot work anymore. Then our great-grandson comes over (he is 9 months old now) and we have a fun time with him. But I have to say, it’s nice to see them come, and it’s nice to see them go home too! Haha

    Well I’ve written an article again. Sorry about that. I do not wish to cause any anger or disappointment. If I wrote something that does not apply, please forgive me and let it go. I do not intend any harm. These are just my opinions of what I do in my life.


    1. I think it´s nice that you comment and share your thoughts! Date – night though… I don´t think we´re that kind of people. But maybe I´ll give it a try anyways 😉


    2. Thank you for your reply, I think it´s wonderful, don´t ever stop offering up your thoughts and questions, make me think and thinking is important! 🙂


Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s