“Maybe I could build you some kind of mechanical device that you could use to hold me ten feet away from you at all times. I can attach some floppy arms to it and then we can pretend to hug?”
That´s his way of dealing with the relationship issue.
The other day he said
“Can these problems not be solved by shelf space?”
Actually it could. Because for years now we´ve been in survival mode. People don´t get it when I talk about it. We lived in rain and mud. Frozen fingers. My oven was built out of sand. Dinner was made over open fire. We lived way, way, way, way,way,way,way,way below the poverty line. We insulated our beds with spruce branches. We stored our clothes in black plastic bags. On the starry, starry nights it was more beautiful and whole than words can convey. Some nights our life was a poster from the 80ies complete with howling wolves, snow-covered mountains and indian feathers it really was, but most of the time it was everyday and our everyday was… survival. Psychically and emotionally.
How to get the family to work as a teamwork where everyone is needed. How to understand yourself and your life when everything is new and changed, all of the rules, all of the things you take for granted.
How to build log cabins. How to wash clothes in the river. How to find food in the woods. How to butcher hens and goats. How to… make time for love making, how to deal with the relationship issue?
I write this in the privacy of my home.
There is a warm fire rumbling from the stove. The dog is sleeping peacefully in front of it. It´s been really stormy for the last couple of days, and dark, but today it was so beautiful and sunny and warm and welcome. The kid is playing some game. The man is making dinner. There are things I don´t tell you about this home, clearly there is, some latest developments for instance that I haven´t found the words for yet, but generally you get the picture and this is the picture:
and this that I took today
We have spent this day building shelf space.
Shelves for storage of food, shelves for candlelights and matches and gas (we have a small gas burner primarily to make coffee real quickly in the morning), shelves for winter clothes, socks, warm underwear, extra blankets, boots and his bass, summer clothes, clean empty jars waiting to be filled anew, flour, sugar, salt and spices.
My relationships issues are closely linked to the fact that we have been in survival-mode for so long and I´m tired, my body is exhausted, I´m used, burned out and everything that happened with the book, all of the people and all of their opinions, these things don´t pass me by lightly, I THINK, I FEEL, I WANT to stay… honest. True. Real. This is the whole point of my initial battle, this is what I fight for, jesus man, this MATTERS!
He built me the shelves and the storage so that I can have some kind of feeling of control. Which is needed because I lost it.
He also made a drain to the sink (a blue plastic hose) so that I don´t have to call on him to empty the bucket under the sink (my back still hurts, I have to listen to it, I can´t work as I used to). Not to forget the super deluxe ultra mega compost toilet so I don´t have to pee in the bushes anymore. It´s nice of him. Don´t you think?
So we were in the car and I was crying and I was yelling (this is a lie, I was super quiet and tense and then he asked me what was wrong)
“I can´t be dependent on you! Living like this requires of me to be dependent on you!” and then we were both quiet and tense for some hours until two minutes ago where he said the thing about the hug-machine and I laughed.
He´d been fetching firewood down by the tipi, he was all sweaty and then he continued “I ´ve been thinking. Maybe you need to get to a point where you accept that you are dependent on me. It seems to me that a lot of the “relationship issues” are rooted in this. We both want to be totally independent and free but maybe we can´t be. Maybe we need each other?”
I´m thinking that maybe this “relationship issue” could be kind of global.