I said it like it is. In the forest… everything changes. All the time. It´s the first rule of the forest, it´s the hardest thing to realize and embrace, so contradictory to all that we are taught (to strive towards).
Anyways. Everything changes. The secret animal paths stays the same, the elk, the bear, the wolfes, they walk this way but this way changes, just as the river, every day. It´s the wind, the taste of the air, it´s the sky, the water, the soil itself, it changes.
So let´s recount.
It´s not a secret. My book sparkled some debate, I was blown away and perplexed down to my socks to realize what it has come to. I think society has become totalitarian and me… I don´t know about me, I don´t know who I am anymore. I really suck at being a “public figure” because everytime someone say something bad I take it face value. Truth. Besides: I can´t stand the sight of myself anymore, it´s too much, furthermore it´s a business, it´s a machine and it eats you, the industry. It swallows you, spits you out, and boom there you are: entertainment. So I became quiet. For a long while. Recently I answered some questions though for danish newspaper Information.
– and that whole thing made me think A LOT.
Some of the thoughts can be found at my danish blog.
Main thought: how to dismantle any protest by calling it narcissistic. How to shut down any protest by creating a very limited space for public discourse.
If I go to the doctor I´m a freeloader.
If I don´t go the doctor the state is justified in taking my children.
If I do speeches I´m selfabsorbed/fake.
If I don´t do speeches I´m antisocial and egoistical.
If I mind my own business and stay at home to bake buns- I´m a bad feminist. If I blog about the role of the sexes…there we go with the selfabsorbed/fake again….
You can´t win. Narrow discourse.
I think there is some rebellion to explored here. I think there is some kind of protest. The arts seems to be a battleground and to me there´s a lot of existential questions buried here. For instance: maybe the artist is the most un-free of all positions. You need the recognitions, the readers, there is a total LOSS of power, of agency, in the position of the artist. You give it all away.
So. That´s a problem.
(but I´m really tired of thinking about it so the change is this: I won´t talk about it anymore. Smiley. I´ll focus on the everyday living. Heart)
We´ve been sick this whole spring. Some bacteria really got to us and we´ve spent most of the time in bed. Living like this sucks when you´re sick because living like this DEMANDS some kind of emotional surplus.
It´s a hard life when you´re really, really sick and you have to make all of the food, carry the water, fetch the firewood. And when you look out the window everything is so beautiful, it´s almost stresful: come on! Enjoy this! Swim into the sunshine and be happy, you country punk!… but we´ve been vomiting and eating pills. That´s a fact.
(he´s so valiant, poor little sick guy)
So lets look at the other people:
Maja, our writer neighbourg is doing really well. She runs a small wilderness hotel to support herself and her son, her newest book is being published later this month and just yesterday she stopped by with supplies for us (yeah, out car broke down, such is the law of things, if one thing breaks like, for instance, your sense of self, everything else breaks down too). We ate some cake and talked for a while. She´s a really good neighbor. I love that she´s here. Another neighbor is helping us with trying to fix the car. I love that too. I really love the neighbors, I wish there were more of them, I wish our community was bigger, I dream about communities these days.
My children are leaving. Victoria dropped out of school to become a sailor, she´s sailing on an old sailship, taking a traditional, naval education instead, tomorrow they set sails and off she goes, my lovely, stubborn, strong one. She´s a butterfly now. She´s a rose in bloom. Sorry for the cliché but it´s fucking amazing to observe. I follow the ships facebookpage. Lovely images.
Sebastian is moving to Copenhagen to study (if you have a room he can rent or a job, don´t hesitate to write me: firstname.lastname@example.org). It´s the same with him. All of a sudden he became a handsome young man. I´m so proud of him! Generous, empathic, strong, funny. For all of the things I did wrong in my life I DID DO these things right. I raised four amazing children.
But oh how my heart aches, these days, how it hurts to see them leave.
(the path they follow)
Two last things. I´d like to ask for your help and/or ideas.
I´d like to have my book translated to english and I´d like to give it out for free. After a bit of strugle and debate – I now own the rights to it. Which is nice. But how do I do it?
I can´t afford to pay anyone for a translation (or setting it up as an e-book) and given that I´d like it to be free there´s not a lot of money coming this way. Ideas?
It´s become really hard for me to write in english. It´s a problem to me because choosing to communicate in english is an ideology. People of the new paradigme need to stand together, acros borders, we need open source, we need communication. As an author though I feel totally amputated though. I´m not able to express the things I want to express.
I was thinking that maybe the family should go somewhere for a month or two this winter (somewehere where they speak english. The goal is to integrate the language so much that I begin to DREAM in english and I´m thinking it could be good education for the kids too). Ideas?
Last thing: Facebook is messing with the pages of small bloggers like me. My posts are not being shown. Instead of being annoyed by this I´ll just say: keep an eye on this blog, this is my platform. Changes are coming and this is where we´ll jump from (when time comes). Right now for instance we´re gathering raspberry leaves for thea (our newest strategy of income). Sounds exiting, huh! 😉
Courage and strength and thank you, really, for all of your kind words of encouragement. They mean the world to us!