I wake up, I always wake up to Sigurds voice.
“Mamma” he says “I´m awake now”
Then we cuddle. Jeppe is in the kitchen feeding the fire in the wood stove. Silas is off to school. It is dark, it is always dark, now.
He hands me the coffee. I watch the sunrise through the window.
Nobody says a word.
After a while we are ready.
We get up. Some days Sigurd is off to kindergarden, I think he needs other children.
Other days he stays at home. There are no certain rule, no schema, we do what we want.
Today Jeppe drove him to kindergarden while I did the dishes, swept the floor, ready the dough, tidy, tidy as I always do, in the mornings.
Then I went for a morning walk.
There´s a certain place down by the lake.
There´s a certain sunrise stone.
It is good to be home.
It´s really, really good.
While I sat on the stone and watched the sun I thought about all the things we need to do.
The other day it was minus 11. Winter is coming soon everything will be frozen to the ground, everything will be still, like inside a bubble, we need to
– Fetch straw for the hens.
Straw is surprisingly expensive and hard to get your hands on when you live in the mountains, in the forest (we have hay – from scything but it´s not as well of an insulator).
It´s a project. To fetch the straw. To rearrange the henhouse, prepare them for winter (slaughter the roosters) and such.
– Prepare the soil-o-lator (stir the soil around, add urine, nettle juice (I made it this autumn),a lot of ash, eggshells. We need good soil come spring, this is a priority, I need to do this… before king winter lays his hands on the land.
– Insulate the house from the outside to the north.
Cold winds come from the north, these old logs are worn. To insulate the north wall we need to buy planks (planks are our constant challenge, expensive and hard to make on your own with an axe). To buy planks we need money. To get money I need to do speeches, sell the book.
– Rebuild the kitchen.
Jeppe and the boys came to fetch me in Denmark. When we got home the house was deep frozen and the drain from the kitchen sink (gaffa tape, the bottom of a plastic bottle plus some cheap ass ventilation tube) was clogged. This is a good excuse to rebuild the kitchen, new shelfs, new table, new storage systems, new- better- sink.
So. My mind was drifting, I was thinking about all the things we need to do.
The quiet of the mornings was quickly replaced with this fluttering of the mind, these butterfly wings of stress.
I looked down.
I looked around.
And I realized that I hadn´t landed yet.
3 weeks in the motherland, on a booktour, shame, ideology, hope, questions, questions, like a soccer player playing the defence, trembling hands, readings, people, oh so many people and all of the hurt in their eyes… it shooke me. In my bones, in the depths of the soul.
I just wanted to go home. To my forest. To my quiet mornings. To my family and to all of our plans which everybody knows we wont fulfill because there is so MUCH to do, it never ends and that´s what I like.
It never ends.
I flex between the quiet. The fluttering of the mind.
The inwards. The outwards.
The ice. The sun.
I´m thinking that I want to do a FAQ on this blog.
I know ONE frequently asked question, the danes always ask me this question but I´d like to do a FAQ with more than one question.
So what more do you want to know?