I have to tell you this, I have to tell you this, I have to tell you this.
The mornings are always slow. They are.
Him getting out of bed. Lighting the fire. Pouring water from the bucket into the kettle. Putting on more fire. Waking up Silas.
Most mornings they are very quiet. They are such a smooth machinery.
The sound of Silas putting on his ski pants. The sound of them leaving. The sound of the car. Through the snow.
They´ll be driving up to the nearest forest road. They´ll sit there- in the silence, in the slow- until the school bus arrives.
When he gets home he will put more fire wood in the stove.
Sigurd always wakes up a couple of minutes later. He always wakes up like this:
He turns his head towards me and say “I think it is morning now”.
We cuddle for a while. Most days we play that we are bears. I use the duvet to make a cave for him, he crawls into the cave and curl up.
“I´m a little bear cub”.
This is not a story. This is real.
Then, suddenly, he roars. He always roars in the morning.
“Bears roar like this because it scares stupid things away” he says. “RRROOAARRR!!!”
Then he runs out to his father in the kitchen. His father brings me coffee. They like to watch a cartoon for a while. I like to look out the window. To maybe, if I can, see what kind of day it is.
These are my mornings. Peaceful, don´t you think?
It´s just that it has not been peaceful at all. We have been having troubles. Imbalances. And they´re not supposed to be there, because we made it, we did it, it was monumental!
We are supposed to be happy now. And our house is not supposed to be messy.
“I feel like we should hibernate”
” Yes, we should”
“But I can´t”
“Neither can I”
” You can´t because you´re manic. I can´t because I´m depressed”
“Why is that?”
“Because neither of us knows how to control our energy”
“It´s like we taught ourselves to direct the energy. We got the house done, right. We did what we set out to do. But that isn´t enough”
Then he tells me about this place in the forest that he´s found. Up by the cliffs. He tells me that it´s very peaceful up there.
“We need to learn to control the volume. Turn it up. Turn it up.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah!”
“I think that we should go to that spot in the forest and maybe meditate or something”
I feel like we are not connected. I feel like we are isolated broken units sitting in the middle of a whole, in all singularity.
And it feels even more painful now that I can actually see, touch, feel, taste, smell that very world, that whole, that I feel disconnected from
Then suddenly we talk, back and forth, energetic.
Identifying the problem gets us high.
We agree upon the solution.
1. The biggest challenge is to take it easy next season. A couple of chickens, the mudroom, the garden and plenty of firewood. Nothing more. Steady as we go.
No big barn, no pigs, no hot water room, no guesthouse, no wellbuilding, no greenhouse, polytunnels, root cellar. No.
Firewood. Garden. Mudroom. Chickens.
It´s not like you´ve never heard about it before and you´ve probaly seen it happen too.
People that bite over more than they can eat.
A little farm, jeez louise, how hard can it be?
It can be very hard.
2. Our main goal should be getting ready for winter. Getting ready for hibernation. He said
“You can´t hibernate because we didn´t get ready” And he´s right.
We got the house ready and we moved in- but now we need to move the furniture around, we need to build a storage system, I need to make everything from scratch because we didn´t stock up and we have no pantry. Bears should have a pantry. Full of honey.
And we should clean up the mess outside, but where do we put it, we have no space for the wheelbarrow or the scythe or the furniture that someone gave us but we don´t need.
And I havn´t even painted any pictures to put on the walls!
And it shouldn´t be like this!
It should be peaceful! We should be one!
And those are feelings that you shouldn´t be feeling during hibernation, you know, those feelings are destructive.
No. What you should be doing during hibernation is eating, drinking, sleeping, watching movies, firewood in the oven, all things smooth.
Like in the mornings.
Bears need that. They need to save energy and collect energy.
They need to get all fat and totally fully rested before spring.
There´s nothing wrong with me or us and there´s nothing wrong with all this.
That´s what I realized.
We´re simply cave bears that can´t sleep.
Alert. On guards. Tending to the cave. Hunting fish.
In the morning we will go up to that spot in the forest. And we´ll probably close our eyes, just for a little while.
And then Sigurd will probably roar.
And then Silas will probably come home. And it´s all good.
Beacuse we´re bears.
Next winter we´ll sleep.
I feel so much better now that we´ve established this fact.