I don´t even know where to begin.
Let´s begin with the self. Self is the starting point thus self is the center. From self all things flow, from self we perceive and understand.
My abdomen has been making a rebellion. According to the interwebs the abdomen area symbolizes the solar plexus of the human. This is the center of the self. This is where we store all of our energy.
They say, that this area can be blocked, due to tension, thus resulting in organ failure, leading to toxicity.
Having my uterus and ovary removed was painful. Then the twins moved away from home. Then we finally finished the cabin, we accomplished what we had been working on for two years. Then I got appendicitis. Seriously. It happened just the other day and once again I had to undergo surgery. They also removed some of my small intestine.
I guess there´s not much left of me in my abdomen area.
What does this have to do with the pioneer life?
I´ll tell you.
I came here to cure myself.
I came here to heal my family.
I came here to be free (from me)
I battled the poisson in my body and my mind.
I stretched myself to the fullest, I gave myself to the max.
I linger at the boundaries of my territory. I roam in the valleys and in the depths.
I don´t know who I am anymore.
That´s where we at. We can begin there.
The self is shaken. The self is hurt. The self is changing.
It seems that the language of our age is glitter. I read these blogs and sites about environment and health and it all looks very shiny. Smooth. Elegant. Like a commercial. Like I have to buy it. All the ugly is gone.
The dissease. The doubth.
I know we don´t talk much about catastrophe or pain or the mornings you wake up and everything is just shit. We don´t. We don´t have the language. Where does all this unpolished self fit in? Where to we put the pain?
My impractical body and this disturbed, unbalanced self require some changes. It demands it!
Like: How do I take care? Of my self? How to I express myself? How do I percieve.
What language do I speak? How do I construct? Myself?
So I begin where it all began.
I begin with the books that I read. I begin with the words that I write.
That´s where I begin.
Technology has changed what we read and what we write. Nobody reads long articles on the net, if you don´t get to the point in a short, concise manner you´re simply unprofessional.
Best of all is to use loads of pictures and even better- videos. The human eye corresponds better with technology like that and nothing is in the mind anymore. It´s in the eye.
Well…. the self is beginning to think that we might be missing something. The self have second thoughts.
I´ve begun to pick up books again. Biographies. And then these pamphlets. Oh, how I love the pamphlets. Handed out in subcultures, on the street, passed on among friends. I love these topics of slavery and revolution, I love the language, the big words and the long sentences.
I´ve begun to write by hand (if you are a dane you should order my pamphlet, my collections of poems, it will be sent to you via snailmail)
See, when you write very slowly your sentences change. And when you have to write everything all over again if you don´t get every word just right… you have to get every word just right!
You haft to focus. You haft to concentrate.
The computer changed my focus and the internet changed my concentration. It´s not that I blame technology for my failures or disturbances in self, no. It´s just that this self have changed so much, lost so much, gained so much, this self needs to begin. All over again.
I need to begin from the beginning.
I´m just a writer and this is me, standing on my soapbox, waving my solar plexus pamphlet at you.
I´ll be standing here. Like myself.
Is a new beginning.
If you want to read more about how technology changed the reading and the writing of our times this is a good article.