Why did you do it?

(It´s Andrea/I´m back/Jeppe´s working the house/ there´ll be no photos to this post/it´s all in my mind’s eye)

I was in Denmark to give some speeches about our radical life choice of living off grid, self reliant and closer to nature.
The question that kept coming back… back and back… was this:
“Why? Why did you do it?”
The question have become so strange to me now that more than a year has passed. Living like this.

The answer is as obvious as “Let’s have a moment of silence for all those stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride bicycles” and ” Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate, so that we can buy shit we don´t need” and this.

It is that awkward moment when you realize the hypocrisy “this is not right”… and yet you can´t seem to act. React.
It´s the angst that eats your soul.

“Why?” is evident.
The Great Escape is over.
There is no accusation, there is no defence. We are nothing but alien immigrants and we´ve landed on the moon. It´s the “How” and the “What” that matters.
What did it do to us? How did we manage?
(Answer: We changed/We didn´t)

Truth rests in the fall.
When the beginning chilling cold reminds you of something you´ve forgotten. When all of the leaves falls off of the trees. Truth comes, certain as death.

Last fall our car broke down, our generator, my computer and my sons glasses broke, all within some weeks. We cried and wept and yelled at the sky in anger. We begged. Whispered. Trembled.

We were so vulnerable. Everything was about the fight. The fight to survive.
And I told you, I told you already back then. Living in nature changes you. It changes your soul.

When the season changes… you change. When the weather changes… you change.You live. You die. When the moon changes the wolf’s howl. When you cry the wind caresses your cheek.
There are days of still staring at the never-ending rain. There are days of sitting down by the lake picking blueberries with your children. Eternal sunshine and a spotless mind.

So there´s that. There´s the way you change.
And then there´s the getting hardcore. There´s the way you toughen up.

This fall we were much more prepared. The building is progressing according to schedule, we know about the mud, we´re better organized, we´ve walked the borders and limitations of our capability.

We are experienced.

Yet there was the car, the money, the computer that broke down. And an evil mean lump in my side.

The cause of this last years back pain and agony and self-pity and sorrow. A tennis ball sized lump in my uterus.

So I´m having my uterus removed.

Which kinds of sucks.

Once again I realize how people matter. Close people. Forest people. Thank you!

And I realize that we´ve changed. And I realize that fall does not scare me anymore. And I realize that we can do much more than we ever thought we could do. And I inhale life. And I exhale life.
And I live.
Sure we cry, scream, beg and call out in anger. Sure we do. We´re no better than you. But beneath the ripples of life there is this…. certainty.
I know that what we did was grand.

The lump is nothing but my evil fear, my cowardice removed.
We´re hardcore. We´re allright. Really.
“And if you want to the rainbow you gotta put up with the rain”

So yeah.
And I hope you´re allright too.

One thought on “Why did you do it?

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