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Sometimes life is not all fine and dandy, sometimes it´s just a shitty day… for no apparent reason at all.

A journalist asked me if I had now found happiness.  If moving out here had made me a more content and fulfilled person.

It´s the lady magazine model I guess. First you feel shitty, then you do something, then you feel all fine and dandy, better than before. You have conquered, you have fought, you have overcome. It´s the story the lady magazines like to hear. It´s the result they want to see. The content, happier version of the self.

Well. Some days… no matter how hard you have conquered, fought and overcome you still just feel shitty. And besides- I think the notion of  perfect bliss and eternal happiness are but delusions of grandeur
Keeps us chasing our tales.

So no. I have not found happiness (why have emotions become things anyways? )
Nope. Njet. I have not found neither peace nor quiet nor a frictionless life. I am not a better person. This is not a better life.

It just is.
The surroundings have changed though and somehow the surroundings seems to affect the mind.  Change it. Like we are, in reality, interwoven with our surroundings.

On the other hand: I know I have choice and control. I am not a slave of circumstance nor of my surroundings.
It´s weird isn´t it? Like a riddle wrapped in a labyrinth hidden down below… the relation between the external and the internal.
So aaanywayyyys:

This experience changed my life in so far as I realized, on a very fundamental level that I have choice and control, no matter my past, no matter my challenges, problems, other people, me.

One thing led to another and suddenly it´s like…. I can choose to not have a shitty day.
It´s just that I don´t want to.

Sometimes I´m in love with the black clouds and now I´m going to bed. Goodnight.

This entry was posted in Blog.

2 comments on “All of them black clouds

  1. Laila Langö says:

    My goodness, I just have to tell you that this blog touches my heart; especially this post. Why? Because it is honest.

    I´ve been chasing the tail all my life – looking for perfect happiness and bliss through external things. Didn´t find it there…

    So I kept on looking and, just like you, found choise. It´s a pretty cool thing to know that a simple thing like choise can provide me with a good day, no matter the circumstances. But do I live it? Sometimes yes and sometimes no.

    What I´m still baffled about is why we humans still love the black clouds. What is there to love? It´s like we´re addicted to them, to their inherent guilt. What do we get from that?

    Would love your comment on this topic.

    Wish you the best! I´ll keep following your life in the woods:-)

    //Laila

    Like

  2. mavricnisvet says:

    A few thoughts on happiness.

    No matter what you do, happiness is hard to reach. For many reasons.
    – Who on earth told us, that being happy all the time should be our life purpose?
    – Even nature has cycles, so does our inner world – sometimes you are happy, sometimes not.
    – Opposite values are complementary – how can you understand a positive value, if you are not experiencing negative ones?
    – Happiness comes from within, not from our outer world.
    – We are all one – our world is a matrix – so everything has an effect on everything – ergo, I can’t control my life, because what happens around me, is affecting me too. Only thing that I have in control is my attitude – although that also doesn’t work always. Sometimes I feel shitty for no good reason I can’t do much about it.

    As I’ve said in one comment to your post, I also dream of living somewhere close to nature, somewhere far from this crazy world. But, if I can’t find peace of mind here and now, who says it will be easier somewhere else. Maybe my projection of ideal world is only my imagination that does not fit to the reality. And if I hold on to this expectations of ideal way of living, I might miss a lot of other opportunities. And I might be miserable when things don’t go as I’ve expected.

    Like

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