Sometimes life is not all fine and dandy, sometimes it´s just a shitty day… for no apparent reason at all.
A journalist asked me if I had now found happiness. If moving out here had made me a more content and fulfilled person.
It´s the lady magazine model I guess. First you feel shitty, then you do something, then you feel all fine and dandy, better than before. You have conquered, you have fought, you have overcome. It´s the story the lady magazines like to hear. It´s the result they want to see. The content, happier version of the self.
Well. Some days… no matter how hard you have conquered, fought and overcome you still just feel shitty. And besides- I think the notion of perfect bliss and eternal happiness are but delusions of grandeur
Keeps us chasing our tales.
So no. I have not found happiness (why have emotions become things anyways? )
Nope. Njet. I have not found neither peace nor quiet nor a frictionless life. I am not a better person. This is not a better life.
It just is.
The surroundings have changed though and somehow the surroundings seems to affect the mind. Change it. Like we are, in reality, interwoven with our surroundings.
On the other hand: I know I have choice and control. I am not a slave of circumstance nor of my surroundings.
It´s weird isn´t it? Like a riddle wrapped in a labyrinth hidden down below… the relation between the external and the internal.
This experience changed my life in so far as I realized, on a very fundamental level that I have choice and control, no matter my past, no matter my challenges, problems, other people, me.
One thing led to another and suddenly it´s like…. I can choose to not have a shitty day.
It´s just that I don´t want to.
Sometimes I´m in love with the black clouds and now I´m going to bed. Goodnight.