I remember reading this list, written by a nurse collecting all of the near-death wisdom she heard at the hospice.
What do people regret? Are there any common traits?
It turns out that there is and one of the main regrets of the dying was:
“I wish I had let myself be happier”
I first heard about this list in the commentaries on my old blog. The commentary as well as the list itself stayed with me for a long time (thank you Sidse!) but now, today, more than ever the sentence echoes in my mind
“I wish I had let myself be happier”.
We have lived in this wilderness for almost a year now. Thinking back it strikes me how much time I have spent being worried, preoccupied. How much time I have spent feeling insecure about our choices AND WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS!?
If I could take all of these hours of worry, anxiety and general chock back I would- but perhaps they were necessary.
Maybe it was necessary to cry all them tears.
Maybe it was necessary to scream in pain.
Maybe it was like a birth. A re- birth. An awakening.
Maybe I could not choose to be happy- before I realized, really realized- in a deeper sense than reading a list online- that happiness IS a choice.
And even more fundemental: that we have a choice!
You hear me. We have a choice!
The transition has been extreme. We have changed more than I would ever have imagined.
I feel more whole. I feel more content.
I feel like I have choices.
That´s not the same as saying we don´t have problems. We do. There is still doubt and pain- but on this very special day, and on this very special night, I choose to be happy.
In the real world.
I think it´s the first time in my life I have actually,consiously, chosen to be happy.
It´s spring equinox. This day, and this night, has been celebrated throughout the ages in these landscapes.
So do I.
We woke up to snow and icy landscapes. Winters last breath, a last convulsion. Then came the sun.
And so it goes.
Around and around. It´s what we do in the middle that matters.
(I have made a little tribute to the sun of today on the facebook page. Come take a look!)